11 May 2008

labu-labong kalabuan + missing qaf

since i've been feeling a little down and out these past few days, i decided to jump the gun on a personal deadline and decided to buy that post-birthday gift i've been meaning to buy for myself since last year, actually -- a brand new home entertainment system, na cheap lang, yung mga 5.1 na mula quiapo ba, at saka mega-affordable but ever-reliable na new dvd player. yeah well, dahil sa motibasyon, i got them both na and spent this weekend setting them up. happy naman sa purchase. this consumer is satisfied. :)

to test the system, i had to pull out an original dvd first, at syempre rare ito sa collection ninuman, especially sa mga co-members ko sa "revenge of the third world" society of dvd buyers hehe. checking my collection, i saw my old love, QUEER AS FOLK. since i have the season two in original dvd from toronto, ito ang pinang-test ko.

bad move.

i ended up consuming three discs of several eps just yesterday and today. how i missed these guys, and gals. the fun, the wit, the sex, the ideologies, the advocacy, everything. it's everything i wanted in a queer-oriented show. too bad it's just made up of mostly gays with a very sub-subplot na lesbian couple doon. pero just the same, happy pa rin ang portrayal. read my postmortem of the show's season ender in a previous post.

sad lang ako kasi i miss the show, so much, at mas gung-ho ako dito kesa sa THE L WORD, mind you. why? because this one nga is well-written, has good character-driven stories, and good situations that show advocacy and fun. wala kasi minsan ang tlw nito e, which still leaves me sad. eto nga't kaka-kumpleto ko lang ng downloads ng latest season ng tlw and yet i don't find myself scrambling to watch it agad, much like how i would scramble to buy jeanette winterson's latest book to read. iba intensity. it's both lesbian-oriented yet the motivation or drive is not the same. sad. so sad.

bakla nga siguro ako talaga inside. i find some of the antics and life philosophies of the gay guys in the show both enduring and something to uphold. ewan ko ba, mas bet ko ang pamumuhay nila minsan, o kaya mas bet ko ang mga kuwento ng buhay nila kasi mas mukha siyang realistic at totoo. i'm not sure what makes the l word so unreachable to me, gayong dapat mas malapit sa akin ito dahil sa may kipay sila at may kipay din ako. hm... bad writing lang talaga, mama. qaf had better writers.

or maybe it's bigger than that. when i discovered qaf, it was during a certain time of my life when i was liking myself a lot, meaning i didn't give a fuck's fart about the rest of society telling me to conform to their standards and confirm to their expectations and shit like that. the brian kinney philosophy. i was like, hey, this pretty piece of meat is a fingering motherfucking lesbian and if you can't handle that, boohoo you. i had that attitude and showed it to the world, without giving a rat's ass on what they'll think. many a dodo contradicted me but the hell do i care. it's my keps and whatever makes it happy, labas na kayo doon. it's that simple.

ganoon din siguro sa buhay. i was also deciding whether to join the mainstream world or to remain in this side of the not-for-profit world of the arts and advocacy chenes. well, guess which side won. kaya even up to now, kahit nanglilimahid na ako sa hirap minsan sa pagiging guro sa peyups, so to speak, dahil sa sobrang baba lang ng bayad ever, go pa rin. happy pa rin. wala talaga akong drive to make limpak-limpak na pera. okay na ko sa manageable na life baga, basta it keeps me happy and sane. and if my partner of the moment didn't realize that and supported that, then wag na lang siguro. that was how i decided to walk away from the past relationship i had, kahit 5 years na siya. it wasn't so intellectually and artistically motivating for me. outta there. i never wanted an artistic death, so goodbye.

yun sigurong 'fuck the world' attitude ang miss ko sa qaf. sobra lang. siguro yun lang din ang attitude na miss ko sa sarili ko. iba talaga once you hit 30 and count up, up and up. iba ang challenges at obstacles to hurdle.i don't regret getting old; just not remembering certain attitudes lang siguro.

pero siguro ang qaf-like attitude na di ko binibitawan up to this day ay yung kelangan kong i-assert ang aking independence sa mga systems, na kahit belong ako sa isang system, di ako tali dito. ewan, hard to explain pero if you know me, maybe you'll get me. maybe.

or maybe not.

bahala na si batman bukas.

maybe it's time to face some truths that you are scared of saying out loud. but how do i do that without stepping on other people's toes, or hurting their feelings? mahirap. pero in the end, di ko na dapat ito iniisip, kasi dapat naisip na rin nila ito. kaya lang, di talaga natin mapipigil kung makasarili ang karamihan sa kanila diyan, di ba? mahirap.


nakakainis lang din whenever i still encounter super-deluded people, na kahit na-debunk na ang kanilang pagkatao, ganun pa rin mamayagpag. fuck them. they don't deserve the label "human being." mga gago kayo...

hay. hirap maging buddhist in times like these... hindi siya nirvana-inducing, sa totoo lang.

hay naku... om shanti na lang. wishing.

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