working the work, talking the talk

and yet once again we find ourselves in the middle of things that did not concern us in the beginning but we find ourselves now at the center of things. but that's okay. i am quite used to that. as long as the end product/goal/vision is something creative and will help people, then it's a go for me. so go lang ng go.

so after a haggard-o versoza day, i'm glad the night had answers to burning questions.

that's why i like the night. better than days. moonshine's always better than sunshine, i say. sunshine sometimes sucks.

*

so many activities are nearing na pero parang eto ko't nakatengga pa rin. pero at least nakaka-attend na ko ng meeting-meeting lately at nakaka-contribute kahit papaano sa pagsulong ng mga bagay-bagay. oh well...

ang dami! ang dami lang. sa lahat ng engagements ko at arts -- mula sa cinema/film, sa literary at sa lgbt advocacy, day sabay sabay silah! nahihilo na akesh.

so if you see me walking and talking to myself and in a nonending pensive mode/mood, eto na yun kasi. yun na.

*

mukhang magiging happy ako sa second sem classes ko. usually kasi, the student composition i get sa second sem ay parang latoy-latoy lang, na parang they'd rather be somewhere else than in my classroom. dami rin kasing istorbo sa second sem. nariyan ang yakkers na pasko, ang valentine's sa pebrero, UP fair sa pebrero pa rin, at kung anik-anik pang kaistorbohan. kaya siguro lutang din ang utak ng mga bata dahil sa ganito... hm, pero hindi rin ati.

pero promising ang sem na ito. better than the previous second sems. kasi okay ang student composition. and not surprisingly, mga shiftees sila.

minsan talaga makikita mo sa shiftees ang more drive, more passion to be filmmakers. kasi nga nakapag-decide na sila to become future filmmakers and they incorporate the life lessons they learned from their previous courses sa current course nila. most of the people in film who have excelled are shiftees. well, di rin maiaalis na some of the yabang excelling people in film are shiftees, no. well, walang tulak kabigin.

*

may isa lang akong naalala sa student talk na ito. ito yung lagi kong nakikitang vandal art sa AS chairs na "push button to eject teacher." how i wished gumagana yung ganun sa mga buwisit kong teachers dati. and now, how i wish that also works sa mga buwisit na teachers na colleagues ko na.

saklap ng buhay. nakakatawa lang--at actually, nakakaawa--na may mga guro akong nakakasalamuha na naging guro ko before na ngayon ay wala pa rin katorya-torya sa life. sabi nga ng isa kong friend, noong undergrad kami e ganun ang repu ng isang tao, hanggang ngayon bakit ganoon pa rin?

ewan ko ba. sometimes people refuse to change or refuse to grow up. and sometimes, they also refuse to change their ways in order to adapt to the real world out there. nakakalungkot.

kaya minsan naiiwan sa power tripping yung ganitong mga tao. sad talaga. sana may iba silang compensation sa life, like a good sex life for example, pero minsan wala talaga e. kaya kathy bates mode ang drama at project nila sa life ever -- kumbaga, misery loves company. sad naman.

san nga ba yun na narinig ko, yung walang kamatayang quote about teachers na "those who can, do. those who can't, teach." ang sad na totoo ang line na ito, pero of course hindi sa lahat ng guro ay applicable ito. like hello, ako ang unang mag-o-object dito, kasi ako -- and the rest of us who actually have real-life experience outside of the academe -- iba ang motto ko. "those who can do, teach, to warn others about what's needed and what's not." i guess yun ang sa akin.

nakachika ko nga once si ms chit, my colleague now na teacher sa journ dept, na once upon a time e bossing ko sa dyaryo. sabi nga niya, how will she teach ba that balance of supplying real-world facts without being/appearing cynical in the first place. i agreed with her na mahirap, dahil sa kaming natuto rin sa labas ng akademya ay nagbabalanse ng mga natutunan namin sa eksena sa loob ng akademya. kasi kadalasan kasi, hindi rin kaaya-aya ang eksena sa loob ng akademya.

dami ring di maganda sa systema. meng iba diyan na hindi tutulong sa iyo at mananadya pa sa mga gawaing facultad. meron diyang kaibigan mo sa harap pero pagtalikod mo sabay saksak. nakakatawa. akala ko e hindi showbiz ang akademya. this is actually the newest rant of all: showbiz din ang akademya. and worse.

oh well...

minsan nakaka-tempt iwanan. puwede ka namang gumawa na lang ng sarili mong kana sa buhay sa labas ng akademya. di ba't kadalasan naman e kapag nadi-disillusion ka e umaalis ka at naghahanap ng bagong environment?

ako kasi, hindi pa naman ako ganun ka-disillusioned. i guess my decade of being exposed in mainstream showbiz/media prepared me for this, for this work and these days. strange lang kasi to face people whom you think are here to offer their service, pero kabaliktaran pala ang gusto. gusto nila e sila ang sineserbisyuhan ng mundo. baligtad. e di dapat naging boss na lang sila ng kumpanya sa labas. nawawala na kasi ang konsepto ng serbisyo sa kanilang utak e. nauuna ang yabang, ang tatlong letrang nakatatak sa noo nila, particulary p-h-d, at kung anu-ano pang titulong pag binigkas mo three times e hindi ka magta-transform intoa superhero with a cape and superpowers to save the world, like "professor emeritus," "full professor" or our favorite "PhD."

bading, ang bato...

the challenge of being an educator is keeping it real. how do you teach kids to strive for the best when you know that the world they will explore one day will rip them apart and tear them to pieces? sometimes you tend to be overprotective and shield them from the realities of the outside world, but you can't do that all the time. in fact, you shouldn't even do that. you owe it to them to show them what;s out there and what they might face, and help them to discover their own superpowers to cope with the biggest obstacles and antagonists.

such is the challenge for us educators.

but for me, one thing's clear: i keep it simple. keep it simple. and keep it real. i tell them enough of the real world to have an idea of what's out there, and i also encourage them to do their best.

now it's another thing if their best is neglected for other reasons.

being the academic coordinator, i have the unfortunate job of analyzing if a student deserves to remain with the film institute or not, after being under probationary periods or similar disciplinary actions. i always tell these kids that finishing the degree is also important, but they also have to choose their priorities in life.

it breaks my heart to see the most talented students get waylaid by other things -- rakets, org duties, tibak engagements, outside exposures, etc. take your pick, this is UP after all. and like i told a promising student on the red earlier, it's not about balancing activities like org stuff and acads, but it's more of showing what their priorities are. responsibility, and commitment. important things that they apply to engagements somewhere else are not applied to their academic engagements. and that is sad. sometimes, the school is the one demonized if they don't get what they want or if they don't succeed. there are also those who not only demonize the institution but do not really help it back just a bit after the help that it gave him or her in the past to achieve his or her own personal goals. sometimes this level of selfishness and arrogance amazes me, that it thrives in their young minds and hearts. now that is a real tragedy.

sometimes it's a delicate matter to show them or tell them that they are gems, these really gifted students, because there have been some that we or i treated that way, and they ended up as arrogant as your country's president. or worse. this level of arrogance surprises us to no end, as we always wonder what well they are pulling this arrogance off of. strange indeed.

well, there will always be people who will think that they are god's gift to ____ (take your pick) but to see this kind of mentality in these young minds...sad.

*

balance. is it really all about balance? sometimes i doubt it. it's more of priorities for me. my favorite author once mused: what you risk reveals what you value. and this holds true every single time. it applies to me, too.

sometimes i feel that i've taken so many risks that i question myself why i don't just go with the flow. sometimes i look at the happy and contented faces of people working the round the clock hour thing, the 9to5ers, and think, now why can't i have that kind of satisfaction? i don't know what kind of artistry and temperament the universe injected in me, but it just keeps on looking for more challenging and satisfying avenues for myself to wade in. mahirap... especially if you need to earn money.

sabi nga nila, fair si lord. kung ano ang sobrang biniyayaan ka, kulang sa iba. well, i guess okay na ako sa konseptong kulang ako sa pera o yaman, pero huwag lang sa utak at artistry at skill. salamat naman at, yabang aside, meron pa rin nitong mga ito, intact.

kaya may ganun minsan. such is life, di ba nga...

oh well. sabi nga ng colleague ko kanina, kanya kanya na yang chenelyn boomboom.


o basta, kitakits dito ha. more pre-march events to come. stay tuned here.