nasusuka na yata ako from too much exposure sa screens dito sa bahay. like nakabukas ang laptop ko at online forever while the tv is also turned on to watch news and, if i'm not news-hopping, i catch my favorite shows on cable like CSI vegas during their regular run or the repeat after midnight. lately, i've been longing to just lounge around and curl up with a book, but that never happens. why is that?
it's quite hard for me to disconnect from these outside resources when i am alone at home. i don't know why. maybe the silent whirrrrr of these machines pacify something inside of me, make my inner ear stable or something. i'm also trying to go back to dvd-watching here at home pero i can't seem to start it. hay ewan ko ba, ang de-media-fied mode ko ay alive and kicking pa rin. dunno why though. naiinggit tuloy ako sa friend kong si teta kanina, kasi excited siyang umuwi at manood ng bago niyang dvd na nabili -- of maya deren's experimental works pa! naaliw kami lang kanina kasi she didn't quite realize the treasure she found tapos kami ni beng e nanlaki ang mata sabay duet ng "pakopya!" hehe ayuz.
something about this house is making me...numb, again. hay naku. kay aga aga e... ewan ko ba. sometimes houses feel that way. sensitive ako sa mga tirahan this way kasi e, ever since i started living away from my parents. so far, da best pa rin sa akin yung super small jologz room ko sa house for rent ng aking very first girl ex in the 90s. ironically, that house is located on the other side of this same street i'm living in now. that room kasi was my first move to be independent, for real. dati kasi, i moved out na rin pero something happens with my college roomies kaya nagfu-fall out at nagdi-disband kami, so to speak, at babalik sa bahay namin. pero that small room was my first semblance of independence where i really had to earn some money to pay bills for real. i didn't mind that i shared the house with 2 other friends kasi parang solo ko pa rin iyon because, being production people, we rarely see each other because of our skeds. and i had the more regular sked back then because i just quit my own production-heavy job and chose to reroute myself from filmmaking into literary writing, and i started my MA back then.
coming from the big house in kamuning prior to this one, i realized then na hindi ako pang-big house talaga, especially since i am just living alone. or if i have somebody with me, temporary living quarters set-up lang naman ang arrangement, and i eventually end up alone pa rin sa bahay. i guess i also got allergic to this single detached own house-and-lot thingies set-up because of another ex. she was so keen on settling down already when i wasn't in that mode yet. i didn't want to be tied down that way back then, and i think even up to now. that's why if i'm going to have a new girlfriend, i'd rather we live in separate houses pa rin. i also have this thing about privacy and alone time for myself, especially for writing, kaya i would value it highly if she would value my alone time. patok yun pag nagkataon.
was having this discussion with a new friend last week. bakit daw gusto kong mag-condo e mas mataas daw ang market value chenes chenes ng isang single detached house ek plus puwede pang makuha cheaper sa bank chenes chenes yun. half of what she said kinda flew above my head, because i wasn't really into understanding all these house financing chenes chenes things (yeah i am stubborn that way hehehe, or i am just arithmetically challenged that way, as in automatic shut-off kapag extreme calculations na ang pinag-uusapan hehe).
have you ever seen movies set in new york where the characters make tambay sa may window ng apartment nila 5+floors above, tapos may fire escape chenes sa labas minsan? parang gusto ko yung ganung set-up. i like windows and i like views and i like buildings and i like heights overlooking stuff. that's why the idea of living in a condo sounds attractive to me now. another friend was asking din bakit condo, and we both have the same reasons because she's also contemplating on getting one: naiiwan mo during long trips pero secured pa rin siya, at mas madaling i-maintain kapag mag-isa ka. never mind the pets. i think i also don't want to have pets muna kasi napapagod na akong mag-alaga minsan, kahit alam kong mami-miss ko ang may pet sa bahay. but we'll think of that later on.
unless i'm rich and i could build a 3-storey house na may rooftop somewhere sa isang elevated part ng metro manila, patok iyon. pero dahil nga sa we are twins with the aesthetics of poverty mode, walang chance of that ever happening.
when i told that to another friend before, she said i'd love living in paris where she is from, because it's like that there -- buildings, night lights, everything. but i just didn't have the heart to tell her that her kababayans are just so obnoxious beyond belief sometimes that i couldn't imagine myself studying/working there, much less living there. wah. may plano pa naman akong mag-hibernate doon ng one month to write lang, as in really write, in an outdoor cafe somewhere in paris. ah, the ezra pound spirit in me, sabi nga dati ni mam edith tiempo sa akin in dumaguete... hm. kasama ba si ezra na nag-paris tulad nina dorothy parker, anais nin, henry miller, ernest hemingway and all those other great writers? hm. marahil, ano?
in fairness to pascale, she's swiss nga pala, french-speaking, kaya hindi siya obnoxious like the others hehehe. hm, nalalapit na naman kasi ang french spring in manille kaya...nagkakaganito ako? hehehe. chos.
ayoko namang isipin na may sting mode itong nararamdaman ko sa bahay, tulad ng kinanta niyang "the bed's too big without you" chenelyn. hindi naman. sure, i feel lonely and alone sometimes pero hindi madalas para maisip ko yun. siguro mas gusto ko lang ng mas contained na lugar para mas ma-contain ko ang mga nasasaisip ko. kasi that goes hand in hand talaga. hm. saka with all the things i have, i feel i need to go back to my minimalist mode and junk half of what i have here. methinks i'll do that later this year...
pero nakaka-disappoint din namang tumingin ng condo minsan. the exorbitant prices and crazy payment schemes...hay nakuh. sometimes the location is not so good din. like i remember before being seduced by this cambridge blah ba yun na sabi sa leaflet e "10 minutes from megamall, 20 minutes from quezon city" and all that advertising crap. e hello nung pinuntahan namin, cainta area na yata siya na oo nga at 10 minutes away ang main road na una mong dadaanan papunta dun mula sa megamall, pero di nila sinabi na 30 minutes away pa yun lugar from that road. kakainis yung ganun. parang yung may nagbigay ng leaflet sa cubao sa akin about this condo sa malapit sa sta. lucia sa marcos highway, sabi niya "10 minutes from cubao lang mam" e sabi ko sa kanya "hello kung jet ang sasakyan mo. taga-marikina ako no, alam ko kung gaano kalayo ang sta. lu sa gateway, at hindi 10 minutes yan!" sabay talikod.
kainiz. it affirms the choice of not choosing a life i almost had na tinalikuran ko -- advertising. nakakaasar lang e. faker.
minsan naman maganda nga ang presyo ng condo, werid naman nung lugar. like this one na tinignan ko ang showroom. it's near gma7 siya, as in katapat lang sa kanto. pero ang kalahati niya ay nakaharap sa edsa, kaya iyon ang langhap mong hangin sa umaga -- edsa air. saklap.
adventure din ang maghanap ng titirahan for good. suwerte lang ng iba kong friends na nakahanap na ng ganitong set-up. good for them.
kanina may pinamigay na announcements sa faculty tapos isa doon e application for housing chenes sa UP. good luck na lang di ba. ten thousand years bago ito mabigay sa yo. o kaya papagawa sila ng bagong residence hall for grad students/junior faculty, tapos ang catch e tatlo kayo sa isang kwarto. potah, ano yun, bedspace? chaka. you really think junior faculty and grad students would share that way? sus. sino ba nakaisip nun, kelangan niya ng reboot. at ng boot.
hay housing. basic need siya pero marami sa pinas ang walang sariling ganito. saantalang ang iba e nakakatira sa tatlong palapag na bahay o whatnot tapos dedma lang sa mga tao sa ibang lugar. well. kanya-kanyang chever, sabi nga ng students ko.