hope

Like that song said,

Don't wish, don't start
Wishing only wounds the heart

That's why I don't wish. I hope.

Hope, and keep busy.

Mantra for life.

Bahala na si Batman, as we say here in the Philippines.

Life is short. Engage.

And always be nice. Because no one mourns the wicked.

Indeed.

(playing with tabs / January 2012 photo by superfriend M)

calm

It's a Saturday night as I write this, and it's also the calm before the storm...

Nothing serious, just taking it easy right now. I have this feeling that life will become hectic once Monday comes. No, I take that back. I know for a fact that it will be hectic, and who knows what follows soon after.

It's from all points in my life, I guess. My family's going to be busy once my tita, who spent a great deal of time last year in Canada with my lolo before he died, is coming home, and my other tita and tito are coming home with them. Stories galore. We'll be spending a lot of time together here since I reneged on my promise to spend last Christmas in Toronto with them, simply because I wasn't able to afford it back then (and because I don't think I could survive winter!). This should be fun. I'm actually excited to hang out with them again. I miss this side of the family. And for that, I'm planning to spend my birthday in Canada with them, but that also remains to be seen, as I don't know what life has in store for me during summer. So we'll see. Hoping, and keeping mental notes about things.

Another Canadian presence is here, my high school best friend from Calgary, who told me this funny story of not being able to get her present to me, a Canadian specialty, past through customs haha! Oh man, that was such a bummer. But I'm just glad she's here, and we could hang out again. Awaiting for another hangout session soon before she leaves later this month. We had a blast with our batchmates in our reunion last week, and we're replicating that fun again soon. This is cool.

goofing around with my high school classmates
(January 2012 somewhere in Marikina, photo by Neri)

I'm also in the middle of preparing for a work gig next week for my former NGO. While it's currently inducing a bit of stress on my part, I also can't wait to start it. I need to get busy again, that's why. Plus of course the extra money won't hurt. Funding future life plans is the main thing now. So yes, universe, keep 'em coming.

And then I'm also seriously contemplating on starting another project which another kindred spirit brought up, since one pending project we were going to do got shelved. Again another stress inducer at the moment. Oh well, such is life. I just hope we ace this one as well, because I am intrigued and excited by the prospect that this project would bring, even if it won't earn me as much as I hope I could get. The work is enough. Yes, I need to be busy. And then we also spent a good deal of time yesterday talking about her current pet project outside Manila, since she's moving back there already. Yeah, another good friend leaving Manila. I've been having lots of those lately, but at least, she's just within reach in the country. We're both excited about her pet project and I will definitely be helping out on that one.

getting busy with work, as exemplified by the state of my office (December 2011 in UP)

But I am also neglecting two huge personal writing projects on my plate since last month. I don't know, maybe I'm not really ready to give that to the world. Maybe. Even if friends are already excited to see it and do it with me. Well, we'll see again. Or maybe I'm just being lazy to face it. I don't know why. I'm really excited about them but at the same time I don't know which or where to start! Haha creative dilemma overflow indeed! If only I didn't need to spend some time earning a living, I'd rather be doing this the whole time, you know. But as we all know, writing doesn't earn you much in this country, unless you sell out... which I am also currently doing. Ah! Artistic woes. Why you no leave me? Hm.

New year, new look. Genderqueer is here.
(January 2012 at my crib)

I guess I'm also a bit distracted lately in other aspects. But it's a good kind of distraction, because it's the kind that heals my soul. It's a distraction that makes me smile. I'd rather be happy in being distracted this way than being sad and wallowing on something unattainable, or something that doesn't feel like it wants me, or maybe the universe doesn't want it to happen for me, to me, for some strange reason only the universe knows, you know. Well, you know what I mean. Being unsure. It disrupts the calmness of my being, especially if I always spend my free time worrying about someone I care about so deeply. Oh man. I don't know if I'm making sense here but the point is, I just want things to be calmer inside of me. Fortified, still working on it, and the next step is achieving inner calm.

But I also hope that the people I deeply care for also deeply care for themselves as well, and that is what worries me. Well, no choice; that's how I am with people I love and care for. I worry about them, by default. You'll know that I don't give a flying fuck about someone if I don't spend time worrying about their well-being. My true friends know this, as well as my family. So regardless if you're new in my sphere but if you're cool enough to be in it, then I automatically care for you, no matter the degree of our relationship, no matter the newness of our interaction. Of course if you've been in my life for a while, even if you don't get in touch, I still worry about you, because I care for you, especially if you know that you mean a lot to me as a human being, whatever permutation of relationship we have. I guess that's just how I am programmed. I guess it's not only in material things I am generous with, but with emotions as well, as some have pointed out in the past to me. Hm, well, what else will we do with a beating heart, eh? Such is life. Feel it.

So yeah, calm. I hope to have that soon. Or maybe now? In the near future. Well, I don't know. Any kind of calm is good for me right now.

getting busy with life, as exemplified by my writing nook (December 2011 at my crib)

Another thing that's making me unstable is school. Well, what else is new? Not teaching, but the other stuff. It all started last week as our institute prepared for revamps in our graduate curriculum, and of course I am involved in such changes again. That was last week's stress. Also pressured to finish one paper I am presenting in a film conference in Hong Kong by March, but I will only go if the school gives me funds. Although I'd really love to travel again, it's quite hard to sync that with another incentive that's making me stay here during that time. Well, we'll see. Priorities. Yes, we still need to do them. And to focus, too. Ah! Distractions. Of the good kind. The excitable kind. We need that as well. To live. So we weigh. As we feel.

So many things happening on my plate right now, and most times I don't know where to start. Creative endeavors, interactions with people, events, projects, what have you. Life. Yes, it's happening. Yes, it's moving. So yes, I need this calm, right before life takes me off to different directions again, ever so early in the year. It's quite exciting, to tell you the truth. Many promising details. Many surprising turnouts, and many excitable leads. I guess this year of the dragon will definitely roar for this ox, in more ways than one. In fact, it already has taken me off the ground, as I am floating a bit already. It's also a leap year as I checked, so maybe this is the year we leap again to things unknown. Whatever those things are, we have yet to discover. The important thing is, we decide to move, and not to be stagnant. We decide to be active, we decide to be creative. And best of all, we decide to be happy.

Toasting the new year with a bit of, uh, cholesterol on the side.

Hey, life is short! Indulge! (January 2012 at my crib)

Indeed, life is short to merely think of what once was. We have to be awake to see what else could be there, could happen, could take place. No regrets, no excuses, no apologies. Again, maximum amount of pleasure, minimum amount of bullshit. This should be the mantra for the year.

Okay let's move!

chillin' with my new girlfriend Nona (okay that's my 7Dcam, before y'all react haha!)
during our family xmas get-together (December 2011 somewhere in Pasig)

conclusion

So if I'm nothing but a distant memory for you, then you're nothing but an archived photograph for me.

Thanks for pointing this out to me, universe.

Now let's open this new package. Freshly delivered to my doorstep.

AKO NA!

And good morning Marikina! Let's emerge from the darkness now.
Apollo, do your thang! See you later, Artemis.
(photo outside my window right now)

Note to self 1: Please turn this into a full-blown fiction piece in the near future. [Wagi ka talagang mag-isip ng opening lines, beks. Ikaw na, ang writer!]

Note to self 2: Stop arguing with Fil-Am dykes who don't listen. Ruins your sleep. [Ayan napapala mo kaka-chat. Magsulat ka na lang muna kasi.]

Note to self 3: Don't be scared. It's just love. [Puta ka, walang ganyanan hayup.]

Note to self 4: Pakinggan si Melanie Marquez. Been there, been that. [Repeat performance na naman? Pagoda coldwave lotion mode na.]

Note to self 5: Magtrabaho ka na punyeta. [Maya na, katamad e.]

Note to self 6: Google is your friend. [Punyeta define cuboid.]

Note to self 7: Stop talking to yourself. [Taena walang basagan ng trip, teh. Nubeh.]


AKO NA!

dent

I originally blogged this on DL earlier. But I think I could share it here as well. Wala lang. :)

Current feelings flowing.

chillin' at the backseat of my homie's ride with the top down in the
city of angels (ako na, ang gangster mode. chos!)
[April 2010 somewhere in Los Angeles, California]

DENT

It's rare that someone makes a dent in my being. And if she does, then I get scared. Because then, things follow the dent. Either I get derailed or I reroute. To repair or to sustain, ah, that is the question.

Sometimes it's hard to drive through this side road called like. Because it ultimately leads to the highway called love. I don't know if I'm ready to traverse this way again. Yet. Because I'm not sure if the past insurance covered me enough to recover from previous bumps. Parts of me are still in the repair shop. Some spare parts still need to be found and fixed. Still checking the gears inside and out. Alignment is the key, so torque needs to be continuously checked and adjusted. It's always hard for me to get sideswiped. I don't want to jump lanes anymore.

But I like this feeling of getting lost.

Hm.

Life is short. Drive.

care

The other night, I invited a new friend over at my place and she was somewhat blown away by what I have in my space -- which is basically a space of my own. See, here in Manila, it's still not so common for us folks to move out of our folks' home when we reach 18. We're not that American, I guess, despite our postcolonial history. So I had to explain to my friend how I tried to be "American" in that sense, that I wanted to move out as soon as I started my journey towards professional life after graduating from the university, during my early 20s.

What price freedom? a friend once said, when I had
doubts of sustaining my own space early in my life.
Liberte! indeed. (December 2011)

I'm not actually surprised by her reaction of me having lived on my own for maybe 15-16 years already. What I found funny is that she doesn't believe I live alone, or that I'm single, given this kind of life I have pala daw (being independent, which is an attractive trait pala to some people, as I gathered from her reaction), that I must be sharing this space with someone, especially for financial reasons mostly, and all that stuff. I had to convince her that no, I can handle this space alone, thanks to the blessings of the universe. I have been good, so far. After debunking her thoughts, she then debunked mine when she asked this: So sino ang nag-aalaga sa iyo dito?

That question left a profound pause within me. "Who's taking care of you here?" I needed a moment to process the question since I don't really believe that there should be someone who should take care of me. I can take care of myself, yes. Whenever I have girlfriends, I still end up taking care of myself, and taking care of them, too. The last time someone came to my life, the one who said that she'll take care of me for a change -- and she did, the first woman who ever did, actually -- still ended up breaking my heart and crushing my soul. Hm, so much for caring.

Sun god Apollo relinquishing his duties to his twin sister, moon goddess Artemis.
I believe they both look after me, but I feel Artemis cares more. (January 2009)

Yesterday, I spent a good deal of my day hanging out with a new kindred spirit, and we exchanged stories of the women in our lives and how care figures in our respective narratives. It was also a good time for me to hear of other people's set-ups. Her and her partner's recent stories intrigued me, as I feel that there is a kind of lopsided functioning of care that somewhat developed in their picture. Or maybe I'm just judgmental. But that's the reason why we spent the day talking and processing their story, upon her request -- because the care might be waning already, she and her partner assessed. It took us chats with coffee then chats with beer to process the process, in between cigarettes. It's a journey, we think, a never-ending one; life always is. So is love. But I believe that no matter what happens, they will both come out of this episode strong -- separately or together -- because they are both phenomenal women in my view and observation. I wish them the best.

Now when it came to my turn telling her my recent history with a common friend of ours, it also boiled down to care, and we both assessed that this common friend -- someone I used to date -- perhaps doesn't seem to know how to care for herself, properly. And perhaps that also affects the way she cares for others in her life, myself included. My friend suggested that maybe I need to restructure how I care for myself in relation to her. But how I will do this restructuring I have yet to discover. But it was a good advice nonetheless -- restructure. It's making me think, and rethink. It's a good challenge.

My safe space. (September 2011)

Care. I've always known that I have to really take care of myself. The very reason why I moved out of my parents' home immediately was because of this: I want to take care of myself my way, not theirs. I want to be free to enact this care. It's not a default thing to rely on care from your family but of course I welcome it if it's presented to me. There are different permutations of caring anyway, and that is but one of that.

Care. My new friend was insinuating that perhaps I needed someone steady in my life -- a girlfriend, a partner -- so that I could be taken cared of in a domestic way or in another way, I guess. But do I need that? I'm not so sure, really. After having several relationships that have failed, I really think it will take me a long time before I will enter into another formal relationship, because yes, there should be care in my life first -- and I have to care for myself, first and foremost. It takes a while for me to reconstruct my soul when it has been shattered after a failed relationship, and I don't also have a deadline for such reconstructions. Sometimes I just feel it in my gut, that I am ready, I am open, I wish to embrace another human within my periphery, that I am ready to care for others that way again.

Sometimes it will rain on your parade. Deal with it. (November 2011)

But maybe not now. I guess I have to really care for myself first, because I am seriously afraid of someone doing that for me. But hey, if there are volunteers that will come along, of course I won't say no immediately, as well. I guess I just have to set parameters and boundaries, that's all, like sharing a common scope of caring, having a Venn diagram of shared space while at the same time maintaining individual spaces where we could each nurture and care for our own self our own way.

Sometimes it rains *and* shines at the same time.
Deal with it. (October 2011)

Yeah, I think that's a better option. The last thing I want to do -- and feel -- is to use someone's love and care as a crutch to live my life. Been there, done that. Not good. I don't want to get drunk or addicted to some form of emotion again, especially love. I'd like to traverse life's paths sober and clean, and I don't want someone to be there beside me just because it's an obligation to be with me, an obligation to care for me. No, that's not how love or care should be. I believe care, like love, should not be operationalized as a requirement, a task, a duty. It's a feeling, a voluntary emotion, not an obligation. That's the bottomline.

So I hope those who wish to volunteer to traverse paths with me in the future would understand how I operationalize these things called love and care. But if they don't, then that's fine. I'm really happy and contented with how I am, alone, even if people don't seem or want to believe it. As that Pinoy line goes, "It's not my problem anymore; it's your problem anymore!" Chos! :)

Sink or swim? Rise above it. (at the poolside / September 2011)

Hay... early morning thoughts. I guess I had a really good sleep after such interactions and conversations with old and new friends this week. Now my soul is awake -- and ready to live.

Life is short. Enact.