inklings

It's the year of the tatt as well... with me as The Girl With The Rainbow Tattoo... and then some.

Comme ca:

All tatts conceptualized and designed by me.
Got them every two months
(June for yoni-lez tatt; August for lesbian-feminist orange-violet symbols;
November for alibata rainbow tramp stamp + rainbow motto
"hope and keep busy") done by the same female tatt artist.

My skin is a canvas. Each dot of pain is a learning experience. The overall picture decorates me in a new way now.

Bring it on!

Happy Queer Year!

[right before the UPCMC xmas party / December 2011 Quezon City, Philippines]

Let's ride! Yiii-haw!

winding down

In three days' time, it's official: we will be closing this year and embracing the new one.

2012.

Some folks say that's the end of the world as we know it. Some folks just laugh.

Me, I wind down.


What a whirlwind of a year this has been. I was actually planning on writing something else in this space to count down the days to the new year. But this whirlwind sometimes still knocks the wind out of me, thinking and remembering what has been, what was there, and what has gone -- and what I want. Alas, there is also what is irretrievable, a touch-move stance, broken pieces that no glue on earth could mend. The intangibles.

We take them all in.

On my computer desktop, I write notes to myself on electronic post-its, things that pop into my head, mostly of things I should write about. One of them read like this:

conversations with my ghosts, or speeches i will never make (addressing phantoms of my mind)

This project eventually evolved when the word "pensieve" entered my mind one day, in reference to that big container of magical water in the Harry Potter mythology where you drop bits of tears that store memories in your mind. Or was it straight-up thoughts tapped from the temple by the wand and put in special vials to be poured out of the pensieve for viewing of memories in 3D. Something like that.

I thought of pensieve-ing some thoughts that have been bothering me this whole year, especially the latter half of the year, thinking of leaving them in this container of a blog, so as not to bring them over when I cross time markers with the rest of the world as the earth completes yet another revolution in its orbit. But I decided to junk that project. It seemed too heavy, too deep, that I may not be able to muster enough strength to present it clearly, to carry it. It still weighs my soul down. The "conversations to people I will not make" project was also let go, as it also weakens me to even think of it. I guess I still can't converse.

So I thought of focusing on the whirlwind(s), and what still blows my sails to discover directions forgotten and new ones yet to be discovered.

Perhaps the biggest whirlwind of it all is finding love again despite the soul-shattering episode I had last year. While it looked too good to be true, odds were defied and new formations of interactions were established, invented, and solidified. Now the trick is, what if ties have to be severed?

Often have I cried to a couple of good friends about this mid-year, when the strongest of those ties was cut off for good -- physical distance. I told my friends that I think I could better handle the tragedy of losing a love than the "tragedy" of loving someone who is not with you physically. I guess this is the wind that also knocked me out of my wits after riding high after high after high of this love interaction, love reinvented, love revamped project, for the first great half of the year, when I was having the time of my life.

As I tweeted earlier this month:

Love is a drug, and after years of exposure,
I definitely need rehab. How do you get sober?

As with all addictions, love is also something I need to handle. Perhaps the intensity of the love I experienced was so strong that it needed to be contained, controlled, handled, but I couldn't. I didn't know how. I know I'm not making much sense here but trust me on this one when I say that this love I felt was the most wonderful love I have ever felt in a long time, because it was complete -- intellectually, mentally, romantically, sexually. Complete, not perfect, but perfection is not the aim there, but contentment. And I was so content. Contentment leads to a quiet kind of happy. A quiet kind of happy leads to waking up each day being grateful, and going to sleep with the thought that waking up the next day excites you. It was like that. For me, at least.

A complete package is rare to encounter in one's lifetime, if you encounter it at all. Given my history in this department of romantic feelings, I was actually cynical that this kind of package even existed at all. But surprisingly, it did. No, it's not really just the person you meet--of course that is the most important catalyst and element--but the overall circumstances that get factored in also mattered: her countenance, my countenance, our combined circumstances, the environment that pushed us to be with each other, things that nurtured the interaction, positive and negative ones. You could say that we needed each other at that particular space and time. And perhaps it's over now. Or at least, that stage is. And it can never be retained, sustained, or maybe it has to evolve to something else. Who knows? But perhaps we are both resisting the evolution, for reasons we are not yet clear about. Or maybe that's just me.Or I'm just overthinking, yet again.

So that's the whirlwind that propelled me to love again for the first half of the year, the same wind that knocked the wind out of me when that love turned out to have a physical expiration date. But we knew it was coming; we just didn't prepare for it. Defiant bitches that we are, we ignore such things, of course. And I think we both suffered after, individually. We coped, still coping, and perhaps will continue coping unless the universe gives us clues as to what to do next. But we also don't wait. We only hope.

But the bottomline here is that we are still both glad that we are in touch, even if from a distance, even if other factors bother our spheres already in our respective universes. I likened her once to a comet, something that comes once in a lifetime, gracing the skies with its marvelous and stunning presence, and then leaving, not to be seen for the next decades. Something like that. I guess I have to remind myself that if this love was indeed that kind of a comet, then I have to fortify myself and accept the fact that I learned a lot from it, I grew as a person with that kind of interaction, and I was able to wake up what was sleeping inside of me, all these years, dormant facilities that needed to jumpstart again. For those results, I am very, very grateful this happened at that time and with that person. I never regret one day of our interaction, even if during my saddest moments of longing I somewhat did. Of course you think crazy thoughts when you are immensely sad.

So perhaps what I am saying here is that I am glad for this love interaction that came into my life this year, and also left but not to be forgotten. Maybe new chapters of this book will be written in the future, we both mused once, but as for now, we don't hang on to what will be, but we hold on to what once was. And it's fine that sometimes, we ignore what is there right now, since that is the hardest to deal with the most. But yes, we cope. Indeed, we do. We always cherish.

I guess this immense sadness from longing will not be felt had her absence not been amplified by another sadness that came from a different sphere in my life: my longtime friendship sphere, to be exact.

Early this year, I somewhat felt that a kindred spirit was waning in interaction with me, for reasons unknown to me. He cannot even greet me properly during my birthday, or get in touch to see how I have been doing. This was our routine, but it somewhat surprised me that he was starting to break away from it. And when I found out that part of breaking away was related to his way of earning a living, I was completely saddened by it. To be secretive of professional money-earning endeavors was something I expected from our other "friends" but not from him. I was bewildered to learn of this secrecy, and I was immensely saddened, for perhaps I was judged wrongly in that approach. No, it wasn't about envy; it was about honesty, or the lack of it. And it was such a bad flashback for me. Perhaps, like our other "friends," I am also seen as a professional "threat" by him because I function, because I meet deadlines, because I deliver. This was how outsiders analyzed the situation. The term "crab mentality" in Philippine culture would be without basis if things like these didn't exist. But the saddest of all sad things is that he and I vowed not to be crabs in that boiling pot, that we will leave that boiling pot in order not to pull each other down, but to push each other up. Sadly, from his change of heart, he obviously wanted to pull, not push. What a waste. A waste of an investment in emotional integrity.

This wasn't the first time so-called "friends" did this to me in the professional sphere. I already had one major heartbreak and two minor heartaches from similar experiences within our set of "friends." Never did I imagine that it will happen again, to me, and with him. This, too, was something that knocked the wind out of me during the last quarter of the year. I think I haven't recovered yet, actually, but I try to move on.

But I suppose friendships have to dissipate at a certain time. My problem is that I hold on to them ever so fiercely, because that was what I offered them -- my fiercely loyal self. Perhaps in the end, what I should be doing is to train myself to be fiercely loyal to myself, even if it's hard, even if it's selfish. But like what one of my life motto says, as printed there in my sidebar, either I'm your best friend or I'm your worst enemy. Sadly, people choose unwisely. Well, I guess that is not my fault anymore. At least now I know where they stand, and I should then keep my distance and hold my ground. For stability.

But if losing old friends meant making new ones, then I also welcomed that this year. Seemingly dormant friendships were revived, seemingly shallow/platonic friendships became more meaningful and deeper, and new persons are kindred spirits in the making. And I am loving it. There were those who briefly came and immediately went, but their interactions are equally treasured still. Yes, in order not to be stagnant in your pond, you have to swim and meet all kinds of fishes eventually. I am glad I am going with the flow of people who want to traverse the same tides and waves I do. Yes, we swim.

Many other interactions, both professional and symbolical, were made this year. I have made lots of new friends and acquaintances this year that had my professional persona both happy and glad that projects came into being, that products and services were produced, and new experiences were created. These various projects gave my professional soul so much to feel, so much to cherish, that I am glad that such networking existed. I hope to continue more of these things, both local and international, again. They felt really, really good. Enriching.

Validations were also received, ego boosters still continue to crop up as we speak, and the sun still finds ways to shine on dark spots of my mind, making me see clearly what still needs to be done, and what I ought not to be doing in the first place. Perhaps I needed to experience that rush, and then that diminishing of that rush, in order to make me feel the regular beat of my life that makes my daily existence function. In short, it's finding my beat, how many revolutions per minute does it take to make me work, come alive, think, and feel. Sometimes I am still trying to find that perfect pulse, but then again, I stop and remind myself that perfection is not my aim, and it never has been, in any endeavor. It's always contentment, should always be contentment.

So this is me winding down this year, emotionally speaking. Yes, I am alright. No, I am not depressed. Yes, sometimes I still feel sad. Of course, I am mostly happy. If I didn't feel this myriad of emotions, then I cannot be called human. I still long for the love I felt early this year, but I am also not holding on to anything that will choke anything or anyone. I miss the lost friendship, but emotional sacrifices had to be made. To a certain extent, I am getting back the old Brian Kinney mantra to propel me to next year: maximum amount of pleasure, minimum amount of bullshit. I think more than ever, I will need it for this coming year.

I have also come to the conclusion that life indeed is short. Witnessing and feeling several deaths around me of people who have different kinds of emotional ties with me, I have somewhat made this decision not to waste any more minute or second on this earth on useless things and useless entities. Negative people could continue to pull me down, could bash/criticize me to their heart's delight, but I shouldn't be bothered, because I still have lots to do with my time than to give it to them by addressing their negativity. I would rather make use of my precious time doing what I love doing, being with people who are supportive and accepting, and I would certainly use my time to make this world a better place to live in, for me and for the kids who still have to see more sunshine.

To the people I care for and love, I will continue doing that until you don't want me to anymore, or until I run out of breath. Whichever comes first.

To the friends I still have who have been ever so patient, trust me that I will continue to gamble with you in this game we call life. I may be limited in certain aspects but in aspects where I can devote fully, trust that I will.

To old "friends" who see me differently now, thank you for showing me your true side even this late in the game. There are different game courts after all. Thank you for forcing me to discover the new ones, the better ones, with people who deserve to be treated better, with people who will not waste my time like you did.

To new friends, I am excited to share the game courts with you. Let's play!

To the girl who reads, the word hasn't been invented yet to fully encapsulate what I want to say to you, so forgive me for using something trite: thanks, love.

To all of you who have been reading this space all this time, I sincerely hope you find bits and pieces of useful things that you could take home with you, and put them to good use. Learn from my mistakes, and feel free to build upon what I have laid out. Preferably, build something better. And pay it forward.


all photos September-December 2011 taken in various part of the Philippines

a happy holiday indeed

Sending an orangey brown holiday greeting to the beautiful souls out there, from my small space in the universe somewhere in a place called Marikina within Metro Manila, Philippines.

Digging my redesigned digs hehe. New couch, new TV, new purpose of a bookshelf.
New breath of life, I suppose. Okay 2012, bring it on! (December 2011 Marikina)

Just nesting with my new couch and new tv watching endless movies since the other day hehe. Photo courtesy of my new girlfriend Nona. :) Heheh. (If you missed that "announcement," read the post before this hehe. Or okay, click this.

Anyway, for those who celebrate it, happy holidays na lang. For those who don't, happy vacation :)

Borrowing babaylan's tree:

meet my new girlfriend

(sing to the tune of Copacabana) Her name is Nona. She is a show girl.

Chos.

This somehow looks like a still from an Alfred Hitcock movie.
I like! :) I heart Hitch. (self-portrait trial at the
rainbow reading room / December 2011)

We look good together, 'no?

Heehee. Yes, I have a personal relationship with inanimate objects. However, I am bad at naming them. Like my male-bodied queer friend has a new car and he named it Kevin. Imaginative. Me, I have a new laptop and I named it Pilak, Filipino for silver because, er, it's colored silver... So imagine what my old copper-colored laptop is named. Not Tanso, but... Copper. Copper Cantor. Hehe. Well, this is the first time I'm naming a camera, so well... Nona. Hehe. Because it's Canon. Labo.

Well hello zoom, we meet again. Play nice. Behave. And heed to my instructions only. And we're gonna be just fine...

This one was a personal struggle. For quite a while, I've resisted owning a digital SLR since my first wifey, my Minolta SLR with the Vivitar telephoto lens, is still around...but not handy anymore. Ah, Minolta, we've been through a lot. She has seen me struggle with my undergraduate thesis film in the '90s and saw me through it. She was ever loyal by my side when I started becoming a professional in the world of showbiz then in the world of literature then in the world of journalism up until the world of freelance writing. We've photographed events graced by three Philippine presidents and hence that ugly, ugly hard-to-remove "Presidential Security Group inspected" neon stickers on her body. We've photographed indigenous peoples up north of the Philippines and we've photographed future political rabble rousers down south of the country. We've photographed interestingly unknown Filipinos and we've shot uninteresting celebrities as well. We've climbed mountains, been in beaches, and covered Pride Marches since the time I transitioned from being cisgendered/semi-questioning to femme lesbian to genderqueer. But as with time, functions fade and services wither, and she has been dormant and quiet for years now. Just there, but never forgotten.

Hello depth of field, where have you been all these years? I missed you immensely.

So ever since, we've been having this open relationship and she has permitted me to fulfill my desires with others because she can't perform the role anymore. Hence, my wonderful trysts with two point-and-shoot Nikon cuties. They served me well.

But now, no more flings. It's time for a serious commitment. And hence, this (monogamous) marriage (for now...).

Chos!!!!!! :)

Don't mind me, I'm just high on chocolate covered malt balls.

Mighty fine capturing of details I initially thought wasn't possible
in digital technology. I was reared on celluloid film, after all --
both the still photo 35mm format and motion picture 16mm format.
Film "purist" no more. Democratizing image capturing is the shitz!

Well, it was either this or a backpacking trip out of the country during this time of the year when it's best to be out of the country (Ah, Xmas in the P.I.? That's another blogpost!). I'm glad I chose well. As a superfriend said, I should buy first what I need to have immediately in my life right now. No questions asked on what that is. Priorities. That trip can wait.

And man, am I ever so glad that the universe is watching! I seriously thought I would end this year on an unhappy note and usher in an even unhappier one. But there really are times when you just throw things up in the air and yes, they fall into place eventually. That's when good karma points earned will help glue those pieces strongly. And here we are.

Thank you, universe. Thank you goddesses for looking after me. Artemis, you rock!!!!

Now let's use this baby well!

To quote Rick in Casablanca, "I think this is the beginning of a beautiful friendship!"

Visayas, stay strong!

Funny how the universe makes you see your life in certain perspectives.

Have you seen the news? Take a look at this photo from Dumaguete:

From Dumaguete Metro Post's FB: Dumaguete Rescuers hold on to a rope as they form a human chain to rescue 32 passengers and crew, including an infant, of ill-fated M/V Ever Transport III, which sank after running aground off sitio Canday-ong, barangay Calindagan, Dumaguete City at 4 a.m. Saturday, after it was battered by big waves brought about by Tropical Storm Sendong. (photos by Melissa Alexandra B. Pal) [as reposted in FB by my journalist friend Inday Espina Varona]

And this aerial shot of Cagayan De Oro:


Aerial View of Cagayan de Oro City during the wrath of Typhoon Sendong. Video courtesy of National Grid Corporation
of the Philippines (NGCP)... Capt. Israel Ranario (pilot) and Mr. Emmanuel D. Abellanosa, Head,
Mindanao Operations and Maintenance


What a weekend this has been. Many dead. Swept away by flash floods. Been texting my good friend KK who just went home to Dumaguete last Friday. She's okay but her relatives in CDO have another story to tell, one that's similar to my own relatives' tales in Provident Village circa 2009.

This was our version of that:

A view from where I live, September 2009. Cars floated like rafts.

News. Old news, new news. Same same, different location, similar devastation. Ondoy then, Sendong now. No need to tell you about that. (But if you're curious, this was my account of that, plus this update for my relatives abroad). I tell you, it's still traumatic for us here in Marikina sometimes. I still secretly panic whenever there are strong rains.

I was just there in CDO last June, but only in passing on our way to the Iligan City PBB auditions where I volunteered as a writer-interviewer. My first time visiting those cities, and I vowed to return to CDO sometime to explore more, since it looked really promising. Iligan was another city totally devastated by this onslaught. So sad. And of course, I don't need to tell you how relevant Dumaguete is in the hearts of literary writers in English who have been to the Silliman workshops, myself included. So yes, this is indeed sad.

I was planning on blogging another thing today, actually since yesterday, but of course bigger things like this news of the weekend makes my concerns a tad irrelevant and, to a certain degree, insignificant.

Funny how life shows you what's important. So we'll park that thought for now, and blog about it some other time.

In the meanwhile, those of you who subscribe to worshiping a deity or supreme being, please pray for my countrypeople in the Visayas region. They need all the help now. Search the Philippine Red Cross for details on how to help. Many other avenues are accepting help.

note to self mode and all that fortify jazz

We really have to listen to the universe sometimes. Like today.

Taurus (Apr 20 - May 20)

Sunday, Dec 11th, 2011 -- You could feel stuck behind a wall of worry as you hold on to old beliefs that aren't relevant to your current situation. Nevertheless, you may still create convincing stories to justify your fears today. But self-doubt isn't helpful and only increases your sense of isolation. Rather than looking back to the past, envision the future just as you wish to see it. Focusing on positive affirmations is smarter now than playing into a more negative outlook.

So there. Yes, heeding!

Plans have been changing on a daily basis, but I'm glad some things just pop out of nowhere and just shake up my world in more ways than one. The only catch is, sometimes di yata kinakaya ng powers ko, all that shaking and shoving and shriveling. Man I need strength! Of the emotional kind! But yes, getting there, getting there. As a good friend pointed it out to me, "You're not depressed; you're just very sad." Hm may difference pala? Hahaha now I know! But yes, kidding aside, that really is good to know. Oh well.

It's really good to get in touch with people that care. I sometimes tend to focus on certain individuals that I seem to neglect others around me, other people who actually turn out to care more for me than those fuckers I've been focusing on pala, for so long. Life lesson learned the hard way there, and I'm glad the universe is kicking in to help me on that one. So I am thankful indeed.

It's kinda like that main Project Fortify photo I posted here a few weeks ago. Which turns out to be a manifesto of a conscientious design company in the US. If I love their manifesto in their photo-poster, what more the video version:

And it has biking to boot! Man I soooooo love this! Added it to my favorites on my Youtube channel.

Here's that photo again:

Oh yeah, I also jazzed up my channel, after years of being dormant. I decided it's time to update it and it's a good thing some of my works are online na pala. So linking lang ang kailangan and then some more uploading. But it's also good that Youtube also jazzed up their design so it really looks like a sleek pang-demo reel type of site na for me. Which is why I revived it. Take a look here.

Ayuz.

I think 2012 is promising to be a better year for me, this early. There are signs and yes, brass rings that, if I don't grab, I might regret missing them. We'll see. And yes, sometimes, there are neglected things I need to pick up again, forgotten projects that need to be revived, ignored personas yearning to be involved again. Yes, I am listening, fueling, rewiring, reprogramming things to accommodate all of them. As in ALL. No kidding.

I also have to remind myself never to repeat what mistakes I committed this past year. Lovable ones notwithstanding, and regrettable ones that need not be repaired.

Sige let's do this. HOO-HAH!

Life is short. Let's dance.
(at UP CMC audi / December 2011 photo by Maya)

and this is why we (still) march

My latest POC Pinoy LGBT article is now up, in time for today's pride march in Manila. I echo the Occupy Wall Street movement's rationale of being in a certain percentage of the population.

I wasn't actually planning on writing what I wrote there. But it just surprised me the other day. I woke up thinking that thought -- that hey, we are not the 90 percent -- that I felt so impassioned and opened my laptop and started typing that article, in one sitting. I was so fired that all of a sudden, it dawned on me: yes, this isn't over. Things still have to be done. Like what my friend reminded me early this year: "Libay, they are not the movement. Rally for the cause." By they, she meant some negative elements circulating in our atmosphere, seeding clouds that rain on our parade, so to speak. She, too, has seen it first hand, like I did years ago, and we compared notes.

And hence, my "recluse-ness."

Plus I wasn't actually planning on doing things for this, today. I stated last year that last year's pride was going to be my last in Manila (but not in other parts of the Philippines, mind you) but I guess you can't take the march out of me, even if some elements in the Manila scene made me feel like I am unwelcome in my own sphere.

But chatting with my longtime bff last night -- herself a pride marcher since our late '90s days -- I again got the feeling that indeed, there is no end to this: correcting misconceptions, highlighting victories, and eradicating prejudice. I've long been whining to her, for like half a decade now, how I seem to be so in disconnect with the lgbtq scene here in Manila, "simply" because I have been espousing thoughts outside of that spectrum -- I am the q in lgbt. But where is the q? It has always been LGBT. So now, you know my dilemma.

It's not merely about identity as well. It's about my stake in it, and how people perceive it and how they reject it, actually. Yes, even within the movement, sometimes there are rejections of our kind, especially if we don't "maintain" a certain status quo. I mean, when else would true emancipation emerge if we don't get our act together?

But differences aside, this is really why, at least during one day of the year, we are all united, and hopefully we are all reminded that indeed, WE ALL HAVE A STAKE IN THIS, NO MATTER OUR APPROACHES. You say activist, I say advocate. Potato, powtahtow. You know what I'm saying?

So please peeps, stop ostracizing people who are perceived to be gay just because they choose to remain in the closet. And stop ostracizing lgbts who try to challenge our lgbt status quo, simply because each movement should have checks and balances once in a while. Please, do not ostracize those who do the checking and certainly don't be all messianic and think that a handful of you are the "only" ones who do the balancing. Intiendes?

And to the rest of those who do not understand other people's labels, I thought the point of solidarity is to be just that -- to be solid, tight, bonded as one: one in fight, one in objective, one in goal. No matter how each of us decides to travel this path to equality -- whether we're inside the closet but still inching our way to somewhere, or we're so out there that we try to convince others to see things from our rainbow lenses -- the most important thing is, WE ARE ALL TRAVELING. And travel connotes movement. And once we recognize that each form of travel is a move forward, then each small step by us -- no matter how private or publicly we do it -- is the way towards an empowered leap for queerkind.

Even with my whining as to how people seem to not get me, I say what the hey. I was reminded by good friends that I don't have to, I just have to be. To be who I am, do the things I love, things that make my blood rush with excitement, that's going to be who I am. Yes, I have to write that down somewhere, because sometimes, I forget, and I slip into some state of emotional coma. I need to constantly remind myself as well that I still have lots of things to do in my life, regardless of how people perceive me. And whoever can't get with the program can just mind their own business na lang, please. Because I won't start morphing into other people's perceived notions of identity simply to "fit in." Since I was small, my cousins have always tagged me as a nonconformist, even if I still didn't know what that word meant. Now that I know, I embrace it. So no, I don't need to conform to what your ideal persona is, and if I happen to fall outside your arena of personas, then so be it. Sooner or later, someone who happens to like this persona will arrive, as they have in the past (and someone is still there, actually, and I thank her for still being there, regardless of the distance :)). Yes, I don't mind waiting, because I also have other things to do while I wait. Yes, I also need to remind myself of that, to not be stagnant. My mind also has to move, not just my body, because movement is a staple of my soul's nourishment.

So today, we try to move, still. Even if I'm just in the periphery, documenting this event in photos -- like what I've been doing since 1997 -- and writing about this in some form of media, I do what I can, whenever I can, whichever way I can. This is how I participate, this is how I show my pride, and this is how I show my solidarity with the movement. Yes, we have different ways but we have the same objectives.


So HAPPY PRIDE, MANILA. Yes, that song is true; I keep coming back to Manila. I guess I can't help it.

So Malate, I'm coming home.

For now. :)