Because of the whole hullaballoooooo this weekend -- mega/super/mighty-rainy Manila, a threatening fraaaaaaak-not-again-almost-repeat of Marikina Ondoy flooding, an unsure northern exposure trip, and finally undergoing that trip with the whole rainy shebang (along with the other controversies of the Baguio pride festivities woooohoooooo), plus the almost-cancellation of the raison d'etre of that freaking trip (and also catching up with warmhearted welcoming queer kindred spirits in the city of pines whom I love love loooove so dearly and who love me back!!!) -- and the days following that -- facing classes amidst deadlines and covering/participating in the UP Diliman pride march and other pride-related activities -- and generally catching up with life as it "normalizes" (whatever the fuck that means) -- I was just able to catch up on the historic news from New York just about now, after reading the New York Times and other news sources about what transpired there Friday night (Saturday noontime here in Manila).
Yeah, legalizing queer marriage in NYC.
Can I just say wooooooooooooooooooooooooot!
But let me get that straight. In a manner of speaking.
I am one for equality, equity and all that jazz. Not that we queers are all after assimilation with the rest of straight society (as I believe society as a construct also needs major major reinvention), but I am not one to dis others who want to undergo this ritual. I still hold the position I've always held since I was 17 years old (one of two unbending principles of my life: that one, I won't get married ever and I'll fight to death anyone who forces me into it; and two, I won't get pregnant ever and hey, even if I get raped and accidentally get preggy, I'll abort it, no [moral] questions asked, man, so sue me) -- that marriage as an entity needs questioning, challenging and reconstruction, because it is quite a problematic structure for me (as I've personally seen it in my family), especially within the Catholic viewpoint in patriarchal Philippines. But I will support anyone in my queer community who would still want to undergo such a ceremony. Yes, there is diversity in our rainbow community and I uphold it. This is also the belief about marriage we've collectively shared and upheld in my defunct lesbian org UP Sappho before, and I've carried this opinion before and after its demise.
But hey, for all you know, I might also renege on this principle I've upheld if I meet someone whom I believe is worth it, worth popping that question, worth living with for the rest of my life/her life (whichever ends first) or 'til divorce do us part (but just the marriage one; the preggy principle still holds and will never fold). But still, it's good to know that there are places in the world where you could go to have your relationship solidified with such an imperfect love sealant. If not Spain, Denmark, Belgium, Argentina, Canada or Iceland, then hey, Nooyawk!
Gosh. What I'd give to be in Stonewall Inn at that very moment. Very historic. For all of us.
me in front of the legendary Stonewall Inn
along Christopher Street in NYC (March 2010)
Ang saya-saya!
I guess this means those who wanna get hitched na could already do that. Good for them.
As for the rest of us folks here in the third world, well... we still dream. I'm writing an article about this now. Will post when it gets published.
In the meantime, we cheer with NYC. In the end, love should always win, and always prevail, as this surprisingly touching quote sums it up from, all of people, one of the Republicans who voted for the bill, as quoted in that NYT artik above:
With his position still undeclared, Senator Mark J. Grisanti, a Republican from Buffalo who had sought office promising to oppose same-sex marriage, told his colleagues he had agonized for months before concluding he had been wrong.
“I apologize for those who feel offended,” Mr. Grisanti said, adding, “I cannot deny a person, a human being, a taxpayer, a worker, the people of my district and across this state, the State of New York, and those people who make this the great state that it is the same rights that I have with my wife.”
O di ba? Ikaw na, Gristanti, ang wagi! Chos.
Buy me a beer and I'll tell you in 1,000 words or less.
But in Baguio.
Excited to see this one again. Skipped the one last year for reasons even international pride organizers couldn't fathom, especially those from the land of the maple leaf and mounted police. (Don't ask; buy me a beer and I'll whisper it to you. But the whole of Baguio already knows! Pfft.)
But the year before that was my first attendance of the Baguio march there. Just generally excited to see how pride is exercised there... because they do it better there. Ah, don't ask. Buy me another beer and I'll tell you for another 1,000 words. Okay, 2,000.
But we are still in tangent in some ways with some stuff down here in imperial Manila as well. At least when they *do* remember to invite people (especially longtime activists who have paved more ways for them to act that way today!). But hey, we can't always keep our hopes up, even if we are fighting for common goals but their tactics are so divisive, exclusionary, and -- dare I say it -- elitist. Ahahaha yes my darlings, that is not an oxymoron. Like what they sang in Moulin Rouge, "I only speak the truth..."
Welcome to Hypocrisy 101.
Well, maybe I am limiting myself to the university-based stuff, since that is my university and I would like to support our fellow queer members of the university student council this year. Yes, when they aren't run by extreme extreme extreme narrow-minded interpretations of dead philosophers' tenets, the USC is an okay entity. Yes, this merits another beer if you want me to expound, but this one has to come with bbq isaw.
Now you owe me a bucket of beer.
More later. But first, read how I connect LGBTQ pride with the relevance of our national hero's 150th birthday here. Worthwhile to engage in.
Later gators.
I decided to rant in a major way about writers and their (our) woes to our national hero, Jose Rizal, on the occasion of his 150th birthday today. I popped it out in my Culture Popper blog to be more precise. Read that here.
In terms of writing, relevance and being queer, I also made a happy-first-year-anniversary article about my favorite writing gig of late, the Philippine Online Chronicles' Pinoy LGBT Channel. Read about that here.
I was with my good friend B last Friday, my editor in that POC channel. And as usual, we talked (er, ranted?) about the latest goings-on in the local LGBTQ (or to be more appropriate, Manila-based) circles. Too many controversies going on to contextualize in this space. What I could just say is this: thank goodness for disengagement! Too many hypocrisies flying around and about. Makes me think if we would be able to achieve real solidarity, after all, in my lifetime. Oh well. If not here, then maybe elsewhere.
So this is where June Pride Month enters. I'll be celebrating it outside Manila. Of late, I think I prefer to circulate in old-but-new spaces with old-but-also-new queer people in my circles. I'm talking about attending the Baguio Pride Network's LGBTQ Pride March in Baguio before June ends. I bumped into them BPN peeps last April when I went up there with my superfriend L, and it's really refreshing to talk with queer people with no agendas or airs whatsoever.
It'll also be a good end to my half-a-year travel frenzy, this Baguio trip. I'm trying to formulate newer ruminations about such inner journeys so I made a travel blog last April in Tumblr, but I decided to migrate that to Wordpress instead. Haven't updated it yet but you can still read the earlier posts here.
It's the start of the semester here as well. I still can't shake off my vacation mode. That's what I'm talking about up there, the half-a-year travel frenzy. Been to lots of outside Manila places in that short span this year, mostly with my favorite kindred travelmate. So this Baguio trip, the second for the year, should conclude that -- for now. I don't know if I'm going to do any traveling again for the rest of the year, but I don't think I want to, yet. Well, unless there's work-related all-expenses paid traveling again, why not. And/or unless my favorite kindred travelmate returns, that's when I'll do some serious (personal) traveling again. But until then, maybe I'll just hibernate here at home and do some ruminations of the half a year that passed, among other ruminations.
Sometimes, it's nice to be anti-social, or just be with a handful of specific souls you want to share moments with. Thanks to the souls who have been reaching out to help lessen some sadness in me lately. I heart you all. And yes, more chats and rants soon.
Maybe for now, I'll just rest.
Do you like my new header image? Although it's a bit cropped since I took it portrait size, not landscape.
Banana Beach, Coron (May2011)
Fair enough. I like the image of the hat with the leafless tree along the white sand clear water beach.
Just to replace and retire this one for a while:
White Rock Beach, Subic (November 2011)
Which was a good photo to mark an event in my life. That one was taken in Subic last November 2010. And yes, that was an important place and marker for my life.
Like the new hat beach photo, as well. It's actually a continuation of my changing times and the changing tides I have been happily caught up with, for the past six months or so. The best of my life, so far. In more ways than one.
But I think you folks already picked up on that.
Anyway, as previous chapters close, new ones always open eventually. I am still looking forward to those new ones. More volumes to come. To quote that Beatles song:
"You and I have memories
longer than the road
that stretches out ahead..."
Thanks for reading, as always. More later, when I'm lucid.
*apologies to Cole Porter for using his song lyric as my blog title. well, not really...
The reason I watch movies is to escape from the realities of my daily grind, among other things. I also want to experience other worlds they offer and I also am interested in the stories of the characters that circulate in such worlds. But that's the creative person and the storyteller in me speaking.
But it sucks when the movie's world directly parallels yours. And then the quotable quotes and the character's emotions, needs and wants start to parallel yours.
Like tonight.
I was on to my routine of working at home then catching an early evening movie near my place when the movie I caught suddenly caught me by surprise. It should have been an ordinary film, a product of the local film company where I used to kinda work and whose main TV network I am involved with right now. It's a typical love story, your usual glossy film fare starring your popular actors du jour. I always watch movies to scrutinize the technique and content because that's also part of my job as a film school professor, and because that has been a habit of mine, being an avowed cineaste.
But of course as a human being with feelings, sometimes the film's emotions poke you really hard.
The film was typical, a story about a girl dying of cancer who meets a guy and they fall in love. Now the question that the girl said to the guy, as she was pushing him away, was this: "Kaya mo bang mahalin ang taong alam mong mawawala rin sa iyo?"
One word: OUCH.
The question pertains not only to someone who's dying, but also to someone whose time will have a definitive ending and expiration date in one's universe. Loosely, it translates to "Can you love someone whom you know you will also lose eventually?"
One word, encore: YEOWTCH!
When I met someone last year, this was the very same question -- or perhaps query -- that a good friend told me. Well, more of like a declarative statement than a question, really, when I told her "Hey, you know what, I met someone interesting, but she's staying here for five months only" and she said "Oh good for you. At least you know when it will end, right? Easier to deal with."
Uh, not so true, my friend. Not so true.
I guess it's a matter of circumstance. When love gets in the way, things get sort of crazy and convoluted.
And hence, here we are. Or here I am.
In all my 38 years of existence and in all my 15 years of experiencing falling in and out of love (and it has been several times, dears, but I'm not ashamed to admit that), it's quite surprising to learn that there are still new nuances to this thang called love that I haven't quite mastered. And by now, I thought I would have had a double PhD in these sorts of things called lurv, rowmhance, heartbweyk, sexdrugsnrocknroll bleh and whatever else falls in this crazy category that makes the world go round, as they sang. DUDE! The learning doesn't stop, apparently. I don't know if that's a good thing or a bad thing. Or maybe I'm a bit tipsy right now to decipher which is which, really.
So when this recent interaction ended, I felt so sad, as in abysmally sad, not because I have lost physical contact with the one I have been interacting with (well, of course that's partly it), but perhaps it's more because I don't have the chance anymore to fully express and show and demonstrate to her what my love could still offer and do to her pa. And now you know why I am not such a big fan of long distance relationships. LDRs don't cut it for me because I prefer physical interactions with the woman I love. I love having conversations face to face, interactions where I could reach out and touch her skin in an instant, things like that. But okay, communication isn't so bad these days thanks to things called Skype, SMS and devices like internet phone and webcams. Still it's not really the same as person to person interaction. But whatever works, man. Whatever works.
We do whatever works for love. Unless the one you love doesn't want it to work anymore. But that's another thought.
And now, I have new found respect and admiration for those who keep LDRs and make their relationships work. Such brave souls, these people have. But I guess that also depends on the parameters and guidelines -- or boundaries -- each person sets for the other. Like a friend of mine has a long-term LDR with her partner who works abroad, and they opened up their relationship but the details of being open they don't want to know much. Fair enough. I've also done that in the past, even if I wasn't in an LDR. I told my partner that if ever she wants to experience being with another woman -- because she hasn't experienced certain aspects of being with
a woman yet -- then I'm fine with her exploring such aspects. I can be open-minded that way, really. My only prerequisite to that is honesty. As long as my partner is honest about wanting to be with another for some (honest-to-goodness negotiable) reason, then we could talk about it openly and I'll just deal with this thing called jealousy in a civil, non-destructive manner. Not that I also want the same thing or same leeway afforded me (although sometimes it's nice to be fair and equal). But I could also hack it if she told me that she just wants me for herself and she doesn't want me to see or be with other people. As long as I know where she's coming from with this prerequisite -- and as long as she treats me right and loves me without any sort of emotional blackmail -- then I'm down with being monogamous for her sake. I mean hey, if the person is worth keeping in your universe and if the person is worth it, then yes, I am willing to overlook certain things and bend some rules a bit in order to maker her happy. The bottomline is always to make her happy, and keeping you happy in the process.
Complicated, ain't it? But love is grand that way sometimes. Perhaps that's why we engage in it, we complex human beings we.
Or maybe that's just me. Chos.
Okay now I've lost my train of thought...
Kidding. Yeah but the thing is, I never realized that in this day and in this age of mine, I would still be challenged anew by this thing called love. Goes to show that we still have a lot to learn in this universe, di ba? And this is why I am a big fan of knowledge, of learning new things, even if it involves not the brain but the heart, and to a certain extent, the soul.
Yes, loving someone from a distance sucks big time, but I still find myself a willing player in this gamble called life, and love. It's tricky, I know. I don't know if I will win or lose in the end. But that's really not why I do this. I play to experience the game, not to come out as a winner. But if I do win, then that's an added bonus. Life is all about accumulating experiences, anyway. That's how I choose to see it.
But of course, it won't hurt if I get the girl in the end. But alas, life is not like in the movies most times. So I just try to deal with it and, while watching the end credits roll, anticipate the trailers so I could still see what's next for me out there.
Yes, options. Life is also grand that way.
What a friend told me last week also struck me. I was having a hard time dealing with the departure of my beloved, and I told her why I constantly engage myself in such romantic interactions that end up hurting me -- in certain ways -- towards the end. In a sigh of frustration, I told her "This keeps on repeating to me; loving and losing." In frustration, I asked why the universe keeps on testing me in this aspect. But what she told me hit a nerve as she said that it's not about being tested at all. She said that each person she falls in love with comes with a totally new and different set of criteria to deal with altogether, and that each person is not a continuation of a string of tests the universe wants you to pass, so I should deal with each one individually, differently, separately. I was like PAK!!! Three point shot. That hit home.
So okay, from now on, no more tests. Each person is a new person. No comparisons. And with that, realigning newer types of engagement with each one.
Okay I'm down with that. I hope she is, too.
Well, we'll see.
fly me to the moon, like now na [june2011 iligan city]
Same here, Doodie. Same here.
Happy birthday. xox
