38 realizations and then some

Squint your eyes and look closer--oh wait, wrong 30something countdown. Chos.

Was spending some time earlier doing what I love doing best these past few years -- writing and revising -- in a place where I am beginning to "un-feel" something that excited my blood some half a decade ago when I realized that I have been making or discovering or unearthing lots of realizations in my realities lately. So before my birthday month ends, I think I want to solidify these flurry of passing/haunting thoughts by writing them down here.

Yes, this will be an indulgence -- much like the rest of the content of this blog, as blogs are really meant for such, hey -- so bear with me. Yes, you can comment, why not. I am a fan of discourse and dialogue as I always say, as long as they are based and anchored on good logic and non-oppressive formats.

Yes, 38. Since last 24th, I turned 38. Gosh, I never realized I'd reach this age but hey, we're still here, and we're still queer. And no, it doesn't mean that each realization is something I highly agree with. You'll see.

So sige, let's do this.

38 realizations by leaflens on the occasion of her 38th bday

1. Despite the years, I am still hot. Haha! Or as we say in Filipino, may asim pa ang lola mo! Chos. I realized this because I saw how people kinda like me but are just fucking afraid of going near me. But that's another realization altogether. See #2.

2. Oo, malakas pala talaga ang dating ko. There's this thing in the Filipino culture where you are branded as someone who comes off as too strong--sometimes for your own good--to other people. But that's not really your fault. You're built that way and people react accordingly. So this means women who like you get intimidated to approach you (woe is me!) and wimpy co-workers evade you altogether because you can call them out on their shit without batting an eyelash while still looking so effortlessly fabulous. And in the Filipino work culture, that's not an asset. Woe is me.

3. No matter how I package myself as "queer" in the Philippines, I will only be perceived by the local LGBTQ community as a "butch lesbian." Like my good lesbian advocate friend said, "Libay, the Philippines is still trying to grasp the concept of the L and the G, and they haven't fully understood the concept of the B and the T." So yeah, in short, good luck to my Q!!!

4. I've been genderqueer-looking for years now even before I realized I was, or even before I discovered such a term existed. And there I was, thinking in all honesty that I can snag the pretty femme out there just because I am also femme (femmes go mostly for femmes here in lezmanila) but no, I have to remember that I would almost look androgynous if not for my freaking huge breasts and hips, which make me sexy. So thus...

5. I realized that I am really sexy, indeed. Hahaha! i just have to dress the part and I'm good! Heck, even straights hit on me when I'm in this "passing het" mode, so there. Hahaha! Which brings me to...

6. I can still pass as straight pala! If during meetings some random guy eyes you like he wants to take you out to a date or something, that really really really means something! Sorry dude, I only go for female-bodied persons. Tough luck.

7. After years of monogamous relationship after monogamous relationship, I realize I might not really be built to be in one for long. Either that or there's just slim pickings for me here in Manila. Or I might not be circulating in the proper crowds. Or maybe I am just conditioned to be with one partner but in essence, I really don't want that. Case in point: as I am seeing someone, I also get attracted to another one, and having crushes on others. And no, it's not simply being a big flirt. Still, with that being said...

8. I think my system would only accept monogamous relationships for now. And that thought scares me because it contradicts with #7. I guess I am a walking irony. And why do I say this? Because...

9. I realize I can't shake off jealousy that easily. Call me Juno but I guess there's this built-in thing when you get so used to monogamy to also push the button called jealousy. I hate it when I am a green-eyed monster like that sometimes, because it consumes me. And I hate being consumed that way.

10. And yet, I also realize that I am cool with open relationships. Now why is that? Maybe due to years of training as well, being with women who also had some thing or other with someone or other out there, during the beginning of our interactions. Which they eventually junk, by the way, to settle down with me in some form of monogamous bliss. But come to think of it, it's just a pity that we all have to end up in monogamy just the same. Which brings me to the realization that...

11. Women want to own me, just me. It's not an exaggeration if I say that all, like all, the girlfriends I've had in my life, uttered this one scary but singular line: "Akin ka lang, ha" meaning they are pleading-slash-reinforcing that I belong to them, and only them. Yes, my girlfriends are more proprietary than proprietary software for gosh sakes man, I swear. I don't know what's with me that they feel the need to put a tag on me and call it off limits to all. Hm. Flattering, I admit, but scary just the same.

12. Being an accomplished LGBTQ advocate in the Philippines don't get you laid, grrl. Like haller. The more people know you and your work in fighting for their rights, the more they avoid you and deify you like you're a golden calf or something. I remember this scene in the film MILK where Harvey Milk's admirers really go to his place and want to sleep with him, just cause, you know. Like that character played by Diego Luna. Hm I might be in the wrong continent to be such. Not that I'm being an advocate to get laid. No such thought in me.

13. The women who wanted to own me eventually ended up treating me bad. Now why is that? Maybe it's because when they are so sure that they had me on a leash, they forget to care. But they also forget that leashes are easy to snap out of. Hay, which brings me to...

14. Women who declare they love me all put me in leashes. And not the kinky way, mind you. Most of them limited my mobility in one way or another -- my artistic expressions, my interactions with other beings, my expression of my sexuality, you name it. I wonder if I have such a puppy personality that they feel the need to tie me up and lead me to the life they wanted for me/us, without asking me first. Sucks, right?

15. In essence, I really embody the "You complement me" principle more than the Jerry Maguire "You complete me" shtick. Like I said before, I am already complete; I am just finding people to complement me, friends and lovers both. The work of completing one's self relies only on one's self.

16. I realized that if I am indeed complete, then I shouldn't feel so unhappy when I don't have a partner/lover. And yes, to tell you the truth, I am indeed happy during these times. Unlike maybe 12 years ago, I guess I've come to be more mature and I've learned that there's no sense wasting over being so girl-hungry and such. Which leads me to the next realization that...

17. I should focus more on myself, and my self-growth. Because I have been setting aside my own growth for the growth of my current partner du jour, I always find myself lacking in terms of growing and nurturing my own needs. That's the sacrifice I chose to make during those days, and most times, I regret them, really. So this is why...

18. The next time I get into a committed relationship, I should keep more "me time" than "we time." Since you also need to preserve your own self intact regardless of having a partner. No, not a fan of that "two become one" shtick, sorry Spice Girls. Which also leads me to...

19. The next time I have a steady girlfriend(s?), we won't live in together. As a writer and probably who I am as a person, I value my privacy so much and I value it if I could keep a space of my own to do things I want to do. Sometimes, I really want to just be in a fortress of solitude like Superman. And I eventually fly in people meaningful in my life inside it every so often, if I feel like it.

20. I realized I have to stick to office hours-hours in order to survive one more year of teaching. Since it gets so lonely whenever the sun sets on me in my dear old alma matter these past few months, I feel I need to get out of the campus if I want longevity in this current course of my life. (Long story, hard to tell...) Just cause. Basta! But that being said...

21. Sometimes I feel I am not cut out to be an academician. Sure, I can spit and duel theories with you, draw up pedagogy chorva like there's no tomorrow, but the practitioner in me sometimes shouts that I could be of better use to humanity if I am outside the academe. Hay... tough call. Which leads me to...

22. If only I made enough money in being a writer, I'd be a full-time writer instead. But we all know that that's not the case here in the Philippines. Hay time management, wherefore art thou?

23. As much as I like working in mainstream media, I still am wary of it. Need I say more? I am an advocate of many rights and that doesn't jive well with some mainstream practices and reflections...

24. But I get drawn to work for like-minded individuals who turn out to be visionaries. I just hope they follow through with their visions this time, though, unlike in the disappointing past.

25. Despite my age, I still seek new challenges in the area of work. Because I'm not trapped in making merely money but making a dent in the universe, I still seek this. Knowledge above profit. Which is not good, I know, in most circumstances...

26. I don't have patience working with morons. No need to elaborate.

27. I don't have patience working with self-entitled powertripping assholes. Enuf said.

28. I think I want to teach where a class really wants to learn, not just whiling away time to finish a four-year bachelor's degree. Sometimes, it feels like that teaching in the premiere state university. I'd rather teach in some place where education will really make a difference.

29. I'm still not rushing things but unlike before, I now want to publish my own book and make my first full-length film asap. I don't know where this is coming from, but heck, if it drives me, then so be it, right?

30. I realize that, no matter what the leader does, the Philippines will still remain in this quagmire of corruption. Since it's already endemic to this culture, much like how tarsiers are endemic to Bohol.

31. I don't think I will ever see true gender equality in my lifetime. Hello the RH bill can't get passed, what more the Anti-Discrimination bill? And other things. Hay...

32. Friends are a thing of the past. The only person you need to rely on is yourself.

33. I am such a fucking romantic. Because I watch a lot of fucking movies and listen to Broadway tunes, is why. Hates. It. I don't want to be hardwired this way no more.

34. No matter how much I hate being in Manila, I'm too chicken to leave it. For some strange reason, we have this symbiotic relationship. Maybe because I'm a writer. Ewan.

35. As much as I'd like to migrate to North America, I'm reluctant to start over. A good friend reminded me of the privilege I have here over the years and yes, she is right. I have been so fucking privileged that I have yet to realize that. Like duh.

36. How I wish envy fueled me to strive more. But that's the thing: I really don't feel genuine envy. At all. Maybe that explains who I am today and why am I in such a state.

37. Yes, I am arrogant. As a friend told me once, we are all arrogant. So yes, I am embracing it. Full force.

38. I like being alone. Even if I have occasional bouts of loneliness and such, in the end, I still like my own personal space and time, my me time, my own time. And if someone didn't understand that, then s/he ain't a friend in the first place.

barely breathing

No, I haven't fallen into a ravine of forgetfulness. I was just merely trying other platforms.

And with that, a cross-post. Here's me trying out this Tumblr thing, making a new Leaflens offshoot that's meant to be a travel blog which will also collapse an earlier food blog I started. It's at Leaflens Lamyerda, with a longish entry about my latest travel -- to the beach of San Juan, La Union.

I am also in Twitter universe now. Add me up as @leaflens. Still trying to get the hang of it. Bear with me.

And in a few minutes, I turn 38. Not a good age to be queer in the Philippines but it's a great year to be alive on earth.

Just saying.

bowing down to the universe, ready for the next cycle.
(San Juan, La Union / April 2011 photo by superfriend L)

cashing in on emotional investments

I'm no economist and my eyes really glaze over when I get into discussions about financial stuff like stock exchange, bank stuff, complicated transactions, all those "adult" things. I don't know why; it must be the math or something.

But one thing I could parallel with economics is how people have investments that could mature over time or maybe go bankrupt. No, I'm not talking about putting money in a bank or something. This is about friendship.

I live in a country where the people appear to be warm, all smiling, kind and nice. Yes, we are that, but there are also times when all that disappears for reasons strange and weird.

I think I've documented in this space before how, over the course of my life, I have found great friends and how I've lost quite a few of these friends as well. That's just a typical fact of life, I guess. But it feels somehow different if the people you lose in your life are those whom you have invested so much in terms of your friendship, meaning they have been your life coaches, your career advisers, your love life commentators, your no-nonsense self-checkers.

don't get me wrong: i love being alone.
but sometimes, i also yearn for the company
of like-minded individuals and kindred spirits.
even if i'm alone, sometimes it appeases me
that such individuals are just around me,
orbiting within my spheres.
(at the subway station, new york /
march 2010 photo by x)

It's particularly hard for a Taurean like me to let go of such close-knit friendships -- or maybe that's just me as a person. My astrological descriptions would always say that I don't meet many people and befriend all of them, but those I do befriend I become fiercely loyal to. These are the ones I decide to keep for keeps, as friends for life and all that sappy shit, BFFs to the max and whatever else terminology you could apply here. Yes, I guess I am that -- super-picky with whom I truly open up my life and super-careful with whom I share my deep hurts and highest joys. So you could just imagine the kind of emotional investment I put in in these kinds of friendships I decide to keep, I decide to nurture, I decide to enhance and all that. That's why it pains me so so very much when emotional investments like these suddenly go bankrupt.

This is what I have been feeling lately, which I discussed with my mom, a really good writer friend of mine, and a kindred spirit I have been hanging out with for the past months. I told them that I couldn't quite fathom how such emotional investments of mine -- especially those I started as early as the time I was in college -- seem to be crumbling for the sake of something superficial. I don't know; maybe we have different definitions of superficiality. But for me, superficial is when one trades a friendship for a job position or a work opportunity. I don't know; maybe it's just me, but aren't friends supposed to help each other out in terms of career advancement and all that moneymaking shitz? Maybe I am mistaken... or as my mom said, maybe these people are just plainly insecure of me, of what I could do, of what I could achieve. In short, they see me as a threat, and competition.

"Really, 'Ma? But aren't we all friends naman?" I sighed.

"Hay, pareho kayo ng Papa mo. Dami ring naninira at naiinggit sa kanya sa [office] niya dati." Somehow, hearing how my high-ranking father was also the victim of such insecure backstabbing didn't appease me.

"Pero I treated these people as my best friends, 'Ma. My barkada! How come they could do this to me?" I really am baffled by this turn of events.

Then my mom reminded me that what I was feeling right now with a couple of good friends was the same feeling I felt about half a decade ago with a couple of good friends as well. Yes, ironically, they all came from the same core barkada I once held as dear and precious to me. They were my family. My dear, precious alternative family. And that was very, very important to me.

Until some of them fucked me over, one by one.

"Oo nga, 'no. Hay... Why do these things happen to me?" I just slumped.

But my Mom just said what she and my father said half a decade ago, when this was all new to me. "Maghanap ka na lang ng ibang kaibigan, anak."

And yes, ever since then, I just went on with my life as usual, meeting new friends and keeping those whom I think I could nurture more than the first few encounters while flicking off those whom I think would just eventually be a nuisance. And that has been the project for more than five years now.

Yes, somehow this works. You get involved in a new environment and meet some new people who want to keep in touch with you even after you depart from such environs, and you do. You meet new people through old people still orbiting your life, and keep their friendships if they felt like being friends with you. You participate in time-bound gatherings where you meet a few people whom you know won't stay in your physical sphere for long but with the super-short amount of time you spend breathing the same air, you know that you want to keep that friendship for life if there's a chance and even if distance would mar the physical connection, there is always the virtual connections and the chance of someday breathing the same air again somewhere, sometime, someplace.

I am one of those lucky people because whenever one of these really deep emotional investments crash in the market place of friendships, the universe sends me people to gravitate to, people who would help me heal such wounds and who would give me new insights about life and how to cope with it. Lucky, lucky me.

But sadly, once such friend is leaving in less than 24 hours. We've been hanging out intermittently for the past five months or so, and her time here is about to expire as she goes back to her country of origin. I am feeling so sad about this departure, for the very few moments that we have spent together, I have found a good friend to converse with, who also gives me insights about new things and old things, and stuff like that.

We have been hanging out with another kindred spirit and the three of us just sometimes have the nicest, richest and most mind-blowing conversations about life during meal times, right after I accompany them to do errands around the city or when we are just chilling and hanging out somewhere, sometimes just in their rented apartment in Quezon City or here in my condo in Marikina. The last time the two of them hung out here, we went to the nearby mall and had a picture of the three of us taken at a photo store there. That photo has been on my wallet since then, and I don't think I will ever remove that there.

my feet at White Beach, Puerto Galera (feb2011)

Hanging out with these two people really helped me process the things I have been losing in my life these past months that these two have been here. Yes, I have finally accepted it: I have been losing a couple of really good friends and maybe it's really time for me to accept that. I have also been having second/third/fourth/fifth/nth thoughts and doubts about certain career spheres I've been circulating in the past few years actually, and these two have also helped me process some things about that. And yes, their presence during these crucial and problematic times in those spheres have helped me distance myself from those negative spaces and these two have sprinkled me anew with fairy dust that could make me fly once again. So see, that is how important these two have been in my life recently, even if I know they might not think so. If they read this, I know they might be surprised that I valued them so much like this, but get with it girls, this is just me being sappy :).

L's foot at White Beach,
Puerto Galera (feb2011)

So anyway, I thank the universe again for sending them here and making them crash into my orbit somehow. Their presence helped me a lot during these crucial times of my self-reinventions, and I think these are a couple of emotional investments I would keep until time passes. Distance would not mar such interactions and feelings but I know -- like they do -- that I will never forget these times much like they would never forget these as well.


K's foot at White Beach, Puerto Galera (feb2011)

[Bon voyage, K! And thanks for everything. See you in your part of the world sometime soon, I hope! Careful with the allergies.]

As for the career spheres of emotional investments, those things still hang in the balance. I have also been reassessing if such investments are still worth it, even if many in my sphere have been saying that they're not anymore. However, those that are also after my welfare have been trying so hard to convince me to just stay put and never mind the bollocks. But the jury is still out on that one. I know what I have to do, yes, but I think I still have to kick myself in the butt for not doing what I think I ought to do na. Like now na. I don't know.

And with that, my last emotional investment has yet to mature so it could be cashed in... or maybe I need to retrieve it from some vault out there in the universe to make me go on and use it or whatever. I don't know... will get back to you about that one.

But just to contextualize, I actually wrote something about that investment thing, the most precious one for me, I think, for now. I posted this on Facebook last night and I am sharing it here with you now:

the universe is telling me something 010: looking for a girl

I've been looking for a girl I once knew. If you can spot her around, please tell her to get in touch with me immediately. It's a matter of life or death. I need her right now. Like badly.

I knew of this girl who was once thought of as radical, who stood her ground when people exhibited different levels of shit-ness, a girl who would never accept being put down economically and was once known to have walked out of an office run by a creative leader of sorts of a major corporation. But walking out wasn't the most radical move she has done; she was once known to butt heads with executive vice presidents of corporations who want to put her at bay and not deliver the career promises they promised her to hold on to an obviously dead-end job.

Yes, she is that radical. Oh how I miss her so.

How radical is she? Well, I used to envy her stance of never having to subscribe to societal norms in a sexist heterocentric patriarchal country we thrive in, as she never really gave a damn about how society would perceive her when she would change her mind about how to deal with predominant societal structures and how she never gave a second thought to challenge such dominance.

I wonder where she went? Maybe like all other real and true progressive of this country, she went to where it matters the most, to where she could enhance her own self while enhancing each other as well. Wherever she went, that is where I want to go to, for real.

Yes, let's just admit it: I envy her so.

Where is she? She is this girl who wasn't afraid of consequences and never gave a flying fuck of what people would think about her when it comes to what she did or what she thinks or what she did with her life and career. Yes, I never thought there would be people like that, who would never be preoccupied with sticking with one institution until she retires, even if that institution has been injecting stress and low self-esteem to her, an institution that promised to nurture her but which ended up antagonizing her to the nth degree. Knowing her, she would not hesitate to leave and look for a better opportunity out there as long as the old opportunity ceased to give her the knowledge and growth it promised.

looking for the non-obvious.
take a picture; it'll last longer.
(may 1999 bais, dumaguete)

I don't know. I knew her once so I know she's real, she existed. Yes, she is not a figment of my imagination for I know she made me feel like I could also be like her.

I don't know. She's more than this but I know it's hard to characterize her when you've had like more than your fair share of beers for one night. So forgive me for my shortcomings.

I don't know. The universe is telling me something this time. Because if not, then why am I looking for this girl?

Tell me where she went. I need her now.

Really.

Yes, if anyone does find the old me, please don't hesitate to get in touch. I need her back, badly.

Like now na.