monthly curse, centuries curse

My freaking period came in early today and I don't know why. I'm supposed to get it like next week pa but here it is, waking me up from deep slumber. And I hate it. And yes, that is why I call it the monthly curse. Once a month, I hate being a woman because of this. I'm sure many of you out there could relate. Group hug!!!

So what does this mean to me? Super-back ache, the lower region or whatever you call that area right above the butt. I don't get pains on my abdomen or that general area. I don't know why. It has always been like that for me, ever since I was in college. Back then, the pain was worse -- I literally can't get up from bed as I am rendered helpless from the waist down. I hated it. Now, it's not like that but it still hurts like hell. Well okay, sometimes I can't get up but it's not that worse. It depends on my physical well-being at a given time, I think. Since I have been working out regularly for the past two months, the pain is not that persistent. So I have to keep up with this workout thing for this curse. And yes, AlaxanFR is my best friend as well during these trying times. Yes, Manny Pacquiao, please keep on endorsing that pain killer. I heart you.

Ah, curses! Good thing it came today so I'll be freer to roam around next week yay! Next week is Pride Week since Pride March happens on December 4. Yeah yeah, I'm marching, I'm marching, get off my back heheh (or get me on my back? Hehe sorry can't resist the segue :P). Two good arguments by two queer women sold me on the idea this year, so... Well maybe a little bit of marching but you know me, ever the photo documentor, so I am ever-present and I roam around. So I'll be doing coverage work for my Pinoy LGBT stint at POC (haha yeah Queer Woman number 1 made argument#1 when she was running out of arguments to convince me to march: "Libay, please attend the Pride March because we need pictures for our articles!" Hahaha! I said "Sure, fine, okay, let go of my arm now." Chos! :P). But as usual, I document these things for my own pictorial archive of the LGBT movement here in the country. But we'll talk about that more next time.

So anyway, last Tuesday, I found myself in dirty, grimy Manila to collect some overdue writers payments and stuff. As I was walking along the Intramuros side where the Manila Cathedral is, I did a double-take because I saw something at the facade.

Look:

Can't see it? Let's take a closer look.

To the left, to the left.
Sorry Beyonce but it ain't about being bootylicious.

To the right (wing), to the right (wing)...
What's the freaking number for?
"Call us if you hate the RH bill, too,
so we can throw curses at these Damasos..."

I was like, what the fuck is that????????????? And yeah, I guess it's all about fucking, and being fucked, for centuries now. Centuries-old curse: religious intolerance!

Since I was preoccupied last weekend up to early this week, I didn't have time to update myself with local news. I was just mortified when my friends from the Reproductive Health advocacy circles started posting videos on Facebook about what happened last weekend.

This particular one interests me the most, since it was also edited out of convenience when this bit made it to the news.

And wait for what that guy shouts at 00:06:14 and 00:06:30. Yes, you have to hold on to your seats for that. Ready? Press play.





Did you miss it? That dude said "You should have told your mothers to have aborted you!" [06:14] and that lady said "Ask your mothers to abort you!" [06:30] and then the woman protester at the end just kept on saying how, in the depressed (poor) areas, you really can't do the natural method since it doesn't work, so she did pills and stuff.

Huwaaw! May ganung factor???? Away, Satan!!!!! *tumbling!*

So that explains that sign I saw at the facade. Freaky, huh?

But I like how the freethinkers just clapped their hands when those two peeps just shouted those lines. So, um, sir, ma'am, are you pro-abortion, then? Homaygad! Did your god hear you shout that? Tsk tsk. Say 10 Our Fathers, 20 Hail Marys and 30 Glory Bes now. Now nah. For salvation!

Hay naku. This is how warped this issue has become. But this still proves one point: that their freaking rosary is still inserted inside our freaking ovaries. Hate that.

All this Pro-Life/Pro-Choice/RH talk just makes me flashback in a weird way during this time I was with my film school friends when we were working with this Fil-Canadian lady producing a documentary for TV called "The Role of the Filipina in National Development" back in 1996. Oh man, I was what, 22 or 23 then? Jeez! And ever the videographer, I was carrying the camera and we walked inside Caritas Manila to interview some woman there who was supposed to give her insights about the docu topic. But just when we entered one of the offices, some crazy nun started showing us these huge posters of aborted fetuses which of course had to look all gory and icky and stuff. One even shoved this small figurine she was holding in her hand in my face while she was ranting about the "philosophies" behind those crazy posters. At first, I couldn't make out what that figurine was, but upon closer look, ah yeah it's that -- an aborted fetus. Made of rubber, I think. Or made of plastic, like them. If my life were a graphic novel then, that scene would have carried a panel with my thought balloon reading: What is this nun about??? Getmeouttahere! Now naaaaaa!

That was so fucking crazy. My girl friend was looking at it as well, and I could see that she was having a harder time hiding her disgust. My guy best friend was also looking but as usual, the artistically weird person that he is, he just absorbed the scene and played along with the crazy nun. When our shoot was over, of course we discussed it and just laughed at the incident. We even thought of comeback scenarios for that nun, if ever that moment gets replayed in our lives. My girl friend would tell the nun that she was having--hold your horses!--premarital sex with her boyfriend!!!! My guy best friend would tell the nun that--oh nooo!--he masturbates!!! So I kinda ran out of my own shock value excuse since, um, hm, I was still a virgin then and um, hm, I didn't subscribe to any kind of "label" then (but of course by default, people think I'm straight because I have big boobs. Yes, that's a valid equation/hypothesis/conclusion in the Philippines). But ah, a couple of years later after that incident, I guess I made my big in-yo'-face: I became a lesbian!!!!! Insert thunder and lightning here. Woooooo! My ticket to damnation! Yes, my friends and I are a merry bunch of sinners.

And a few weeks after that shoot, a campaign was launched and the country -- or at least Metro Manila -- soon became familiar with the terms "pro-choice" and "pro-life." Hmmmmmm... When was this? Fourteen years ago? Hmmmmmmm...

Cut to: present time.

Fourteen years after, nothing much has changed. Well, the world changed, in some parts. Like hey, look at what our main colonial master did -- they legalized freaking gay marriage? Good heavens!!!! While us, its former colonial subject, still have people banishing satan awaaaaaaay! because people want to use condoms. And protect women. And protect people. Generally.

Haaaay lost...

I never really had a clearer and bigger picture about how fucked up RH situations are in the world because of bigotry, prejudice and religious righteousness until I started being exposed to women's issues at my former NGO, Isis International. While working there, I came upon this group Catholics for Choice or something like that which had really cool campaigns about contraceptive use.

Look at their poster:



Cool, huh. Look at more here.

But that's the thing. How come those Damaso RH "protesters" were excluded from this so-called religious ritual? They are, after all, Catholics, too, as they said. But alas, there is a "right kind of Catholic" as that pro-life person said in the video. Hmmmm...

The right kind of Catholic. What is that? Beats me. I've lived in this country for 37 years now and I don't think I've seen the right kind of Catholic, yet. I didn't know that there was a right way and a wrong way of practicing your religion according to so-called religious leaders. Hay curses, foiled again.

I think the point here is, when are they going to open their eyes to the real realities of things? Like that poor woman from the urban poor sector said, their realities are different where they are. But these church-going people in Manila Cathedral have their own kind of realities, I guess. I just wish they won't impose their own kind of morality on others, you know. Especially on the poor and disadvantaged people. Hay...

Manila, my Manila, what will happen to you?

And going back to me, I guess every time, every month, I get this monthly curse, it's just sad to think that I don't even have a say in what goes on in my body, according to the laws of this land, according to the non-insinuated "laws" of the Catholic church. Who owns women's bodies? Sadly, in the Philippines, not the women.

And I get reminded of that ownership every month. Every. Freaking. Month.

Where's that freaking Alaxan?????? *pop*

alternative, that elusive myth

It seems like as this year continues to unfold and gets nearer and nearer towards the end, I get more and more conflicting/fleeting/exhilarating/enraging/redeeming/inebriating thoughts, all in one go. All in one go. All. In. One. Go.

You know how my mind works. Often have I complained, especially in this space, that I so need an off-switch for my brain sometimes, so I could just be, just be, you know what I mean? Just be. If anyone out there knows where this switch could be bought or how it could be built, then please direct me towards it and I will be your slave forever. I'm all ears.

But all these thoughts seem to have one common theme, as I reflected earlier upon reading a book a new friend just gave me. I was planning to call it a night about an hour ago, decided to just browse this book to see its contents as I have been curious about it since it came out last July and I didn't stick around the venue where it was going to be launched that time, even if I was already there because of the ongoing festivities which I was involved in. I completely forgot about it until tonight, until it was handed to me ever so sweetly by this sweet soul, and I am grateful.

I am grateful because I realized now this one common theme that has been hovering above me this year, and that is the concept of the "alternative."

What is alternative? How do we define it? But more importantly, how do we utilize it in our lives? And I think the most important question surfaces: If one practices the alternative so much, doesn't it become anti-alternative, but the norm? So if the alternative becomes the norm, what now is the "new" alternative?

No, I'm not yanking some philosophical bullshit chain here just to sound so important, so academic, or so profound -- things I hate to be sometimes. Yes, important, academic, and profound. But alas, most people tag that of me, always. Arrogance aside, they do, yes, they do. But that's another blog post.

Going back, here is how Merriam Webster defines alternative:

1 : alternate
2 : offering or expressing a choice
3 : different from the usual or conventional:
as
a : existing or functioning outside the established cultural, social, or economic system [an alternative newspaper, alternative lifestyles]
b : of, relating to, or being rock music that is regarded as an alternative to conventional rock and is typically influenced by punk rock, hard rock, hip-hop, or folk music
c : of or relating to alternative medicine [alternative therapies]

Alternative. We are attracted to it because we find the mainstream repulsive.

Alternative. Since we populated the planet a little too late, we strive to find our own little niche in a world that could engulf us anytime. Any given time.

Alternative. We want to have another choice other than the one being presented to us over the years, over the decades, things shoved down our throats since time immemorial. It's about choice.

Alternative. Since the wheel cannot be reinvented, might as well invent another tool to make things work. But little do we realize that sometimes, it might just be a matter of discovering newer paths, different paths, where we could push that darned wheel to, in order to discover whatever new thing/s we want to discover.

In short, we might be buying into the wrong kind of alternative. At least in some cases.

I am one to talk about being alternative, huh. After being in the mainstreamed realm of sexualities, I traded the comfort of the heterosexual privilege to rally with those in the fringes, the so-called marginalized. But even sexualities has its own kind of othering, privileging, and mainstreaming, to the point where newer forms of the alternative to the alternative are being fashioned, but are actually being rejected by others in the so-called alternative. Still with me? Let's say you identify as a lesbian in the Philippines, you will still be asked if you are butch or femme. As I wrote in my downelink profile, "I am neither; I'm just queer, c'est tout." But alas, even now, we are having different and differing definitions of what it is to be a lesbian. I'll just discuss that some other time.

My point about alternative vis-a-vis sexualities is this: you choose to be who you are, but does the community have to approve it? Here in the Philippines, sadly, they do. They are judgmental like that. I was once judgmental like that myself, until I found myself questioning the alternative structures I enjoyed joining in the beginning. I often complain to friends these past few years that I might be in the wrong city or country to be queer since the country has its own sets of definitions one has to "live by." If you're not this, you're probably that. That's how it works here. Neither nor. Ni ha, ni ho as we say in Filipino, something which the father of Philippine independent filmmaking said in the book. Neither this nor that. Neither East nor West. That is how he summed up our culture. And he is right. So right.

Neither this nor that. So if you are neither this nor that, what are you, then? Neither mainstream nor alternative? Then where are you at?

That got me thinking about not just film but how what he said applies to life as well, and the different nuances of its functioning. Sexualities, for one. Alternative lifestyle like how the dictionary defined it. How come even in the alternative, we have to have norms? I thought the bottomline of being alternative is there are different things to go by, and not having something prescriptive. I already wrote about that once, that homonormativity thing, but see, years after I wrote that, nothing has changed, at least here in the Philippines. And the sadder thing is, it seems to be getting worse. Just look at the population populating the Pride Marches, and the ones that opt to remain excluded out of the marches. I rest my case.

And as that song said, maybe, just maybe, the only way is out. Out of here, out of the city, out of the country?

Yes, that's another kind of buying into an alternative that might just work or not work. Depends on you.

Early this year, I was able to spend a couple of months basking in the full western glory that is America, where the aim of many Filipinos is to live there and work. It might be a sad thing to admit this now, but now I understand why that sentiment is there, that desire even, that longing, that most times comes with persevering, striving--at all costs, even betrayal--to be there. And I get it. It's so easy to opt for an alternative to a life that's far much better than the one you have here. Never mind if you're going to be a second class citizen in a country that didn't respect your people or your land centuries ago, buying you from another colonizing master. But alas, we are still willing subjects of the colonizing master. And while it's scary to admit that I feel for these subjects, it's even scarier to admit that I might even be willing to take the blue pill myself, and forget all about this matrix called Manila. Be a willing subject. Shivering now? I was, then. Still am, now. But ah, look at the government. Is it so new? I rest my case.

I read in another writer-friend's blog how he is also mulling over the same thoughts, since as writers, we all tend to have one thought about being a "professional writer in the Philippines" -- that that fact between the quotes doesn't really exist. He just wrapped up his prestigious stint in a long-running writer's program in the US and he posted these same thoughts about his stay there -- thoughts that also haunted me when I was there myself, but not readily admitting to the fact that that fact also existed in me -- until now. Yeah, you can read me now. Firewall is down.

As I was sitting in a meeting earlier today, a conversation in New Jersey flashbacked to me. I was talking to someone who didn't finish college in Manila but who was able to make a decent living for herself in the land of milk and honey. "That's why America is really the land of opportunity. You just have to have opportunity, and the rest is up to you." She was trying so hard to convince me and her brother to try it out there. With our talent and background, she said, it's easy for us to make it out there. Hm, made me think. Made me damn think.

But I also agree with my sister, who already gave up her original nationality for an alternative one there in the US. She is actually willing to give up that nationality for another alternative, up in the neighboring country of her adopted homeland. Since last year, I've been agreeing with her, mostly out of spite since I was feeling bitter about certain circumstances in my professional life the past two years. "Yeah, Vancouver seems nice" is what I've been punctuating my blog posts several times before. And now that I saw in that meeting earlier that things were just, as the Thais would say, "same-same," my gut says that indeed, heading up north could just be the next best thing. The alternative. My alternative. Our alternative. Hm. My mother is already sold on the idea. I don't know...

Alternatives to the alternative. It boggles the mind.

And now that I read that book, I just have to laugh so hard. This young talent said he hates film schools. Both he and I are products of that same film school he is hating. And my only thought upon reading his thoughts was: what is your generation smoking? Because my generation and yours, hey, as the Americans say, we all drank from the same Kool-Aid. But how did you digest yours? And how did we digest ours? If it's giving you gas, do something. And yes, congratulations, you already did. But in my honest opinion, I don't think it's proper to just dis it all totally. I went back to the school because that was how I digested my Kool-Aid: I saw many gaps in our system, and I exposed myself and armed myself of things that one needs to survive outside, and I went back to hopefully teach the new drinkers about these gaps. I want to bridge gaps. I want to close gaps. But to dismiss its existence outright, I think that's creating newer forms of gaps. I don't think that's proper. And to tell you frankly, I got hurt. Really hurt.

Yes, we do encourage the new generations to think of alternatives to the alternatives. But that doesn't mean teaching them to sacrifice talent for ego. I beg to differ. But we were both reared at different times. And as a teacher--now that I am on the other side of the fence--I know that now. This got me thinking. What if I was 23 today, fresh out of film school, existing within the frameworks of the new indie scene. I wonder how I will absorb these things. Independent. Another disabused word, like alternative. Do you really all think we are independent? I have absolutely no idea. I have thoughts, but I'll reserve that for some other time.

They say it's difficult. Yes, stereotypical. Gotta be conventional. You can't be so radical. Remember those lines? It was a favorite song of my generation, penned by someone from our school. Sadly, it still rings true for the younger generations as well. Poignant, eh?

Let me remind us all:

What has life to offer me when I grow old?
What's there to look forward to beyond the biting cold
They say it's difficult, yes, stereotypical.

What's there beyond sleep, eat, work in this cruel life
Ain't there nothin' else 'round here but human strife
'Cause they say it's difficult, yes, stereotypical
Gotta be conventional, you can't be so radical.

So I sing this song to all of my age
For these are the questions we've got to face
For in this cycle that we call life
We are the ones who are next in line
We are next in line.


Alternative. I'm beginning to hate the word. But it works for us, most times. We don't want to be defined by it. But we want to live it. I dunno.

Off switch, where are you?

the smile muscles

And since it's hard to wipe off stupid grins from one's face, might as well re-channel all that smiling since the muscles already hurt from doing too much of that lately, involuntarily :).

So we pour it out on paper. Or in the notes section of one's smartphone during regular commute.

And there you go.


------------

Melt
(for gemini)

You feel this --
me.

I feel that --
you.

Catching glimpses
from each other's
eyes:
yours, thoughts
mine, smiles.

Combined,
we're good.

And so
from a kiss
we feel --
each other.


13nov2010

mid-week lull

It's a rainy Wednesday here in Metro Manila so it's a good thing I decided to rest today, stay home and relax after almost four days of being away out of town.

That new header picture was where I was:

first time to see a Philippine beach this year

That's White Rock beach in Subic, outside SBMA I should add. Dati pa siya, right? I've been to SBMA several times during my, ahem, youth (my pop managed the phone system set-up during Gordon's time, right after the Americans left the naval base), but not here in White Rock.

Well, I was trying to post this one:

first day beach view from the resort area

But it won't fit. So there.

Will retire this one for now:

dried leaves in a New Jersey backyard, March 2010

Yes, I took that picture. It's not part of some generic template, mind you.

Anyway, the weekend getaway was fun, although it's not exactly a vacation. I was there to conduct a video production for advocacy workshop with a group of media practitioner friends. It was part of my old women's media NGO office Isis International Manila's activist school program where Asia-Pacific and Filipino women NGO workers stay here for a few weeks and learn theory and praxis stuff focusing on specific advocacies. This workshop's theme was Re-examining Gender-Based Violence, as I learned that GBV is the new term that somehow replaced VAW, or violence against women.

So I taught the production and advocacy lectures while my friend and colleague X taught the editing lecture. We subdivided the participants to three groups and each was expected to create their own film there. And they did, under our supervision and coaching.

I love this photo:

me supervising the third team's shoot,
with L-R Bushra from Pakistan, Yuen from China,
and Pratima from Nepal

Looks like a movie still of a Bollywood film, thanks to Bushra's South Asian looks there hehe (photo documentation by my friend/teammate Teta).

So that was where I was. And to tell you frankly, I really, really, really love this engagement. It's everything I want, ideally, out of a job: teaching media production (especially filmmaking) to people with an advocacy bent, doing (women's rights) advocacy work (although I also like LGBT rights, of course) while getting paid (even if it's not that big; I make exceptions for my types of advocacy), and being with like-minded media/arts-oriented friends. All in one.

That was last weekend.

But this gig is not yet over. As my post title says, this is the mid-week lull. Tomorrow, the video production participants will finalize their films, polish their works and learn extra about DVD file conversions and stuff. Then on Friday, there will be a launch of their works, the video prod peeps and the participants who joined the other workshop in Subic, the theater production peeps. That one was handled by Mae Quesada from PETA.

From our rough presentations yesterday before we left, the feedback and reactions from both groups were good, and also inspiring. The new sistahs at Isis were happy, and I'm feeling they want us to do this again. Well actually, they do, as their mother hen told me already hehe. Man, I am so there! Anytime, I told them. Anytime. Yeah, I really live for these things. That's why I hope to do more.
*

It's also my break today from starting school. Sure, sometimes it's fun to teach the young ones about filmmaking, but then sometimes the advocacy part gets lost on them. I guess the usual college student is more self-centered these days more than before. And this is what saddens me. Some are afraid of being labeled as activists, some evade calling their works feminist, and some are just plainly apathetic about what goes on outside their comfy internet-wired bedrooms. But still, I teach, and I won't leave teaching until I somehow affect at least some of them about how to treat the world fairly, equitably and humanely while doing the craft and art both they and I love.

I guess teaching gives me some kind of positivity, some hope that future citizens would be better than present adults, since some adults have been giving me some shit lately even if I am already avoiding them. Hey, that's another blog post, bleh. But we start all that acad stuff next week, during the second week of class, during the time I know most of them are done with their enrollment stuff. I don't want to teach a class that's not yet ready. So I'll see them next week.

As for now, I'll just chill and write here, post some stuff, face other work engagements, and relax.

and we rest

senses sensing

The smell of freshly-cut grass permeates this early afternoon as I type beside the window here in my usual writing nook inside my rainbow reading room, several floors above ground. But I have no indoor or balcony garden. So where is that smell coming from? Beats me.

catching summer sunrises at home
april 2010

There is a huge house beside this side of my condo where I live but there's no grass to cut there. I can see from where I am, yes. I am a peeping tom like that. But nothing kinky, unless someone walks out of their second floor veranda and parades him/herself in some kind of pervy fashion.

Rain should be the one I should smell since it rained quite a few times last night (and I'm guessing early this morning), ruining an early evening plan of trying to go back to my sports park walking routine before the monthly curse arrived. Haven't been able to do anything active, fitness-wise, since last Saturday's (almost) three-class marathon at Fitness First at ABS-CBN branch. No, I'm not a member but my fitness freak friend is, bless her. I'm her guest. After, we drink san mig lite by the bucket(s) and feast on our favorite adobong litid fare, usually at Cubao X. But since we were in the ABS area, we just sampled some new place there, for a change in atmosphere.

*

Yes, still down with dysmenorrhea, the leaflens version, which is instead of having cramps in my puson area, my lower back is the one killing me, hence alaxan is my best friend. And hence, I stay put. Day one of UP registration should be today but it's always an easy day -- seniors and freshies -- during the first day. I'll just go there tomorrow when the real battle begins -- the enrollment of the second and third years. Wish us luck.

And I also have a lot of things on my plate right now, ideally to finish before the weekend comes, since weekend will be a different thing for me, up to a few days, due to an upcoming project I have to attend to. But here I am, blogging. Hm.

I've discussed this curiosity with two of my friends in the past, that whenever I seem to be having a deluge of things to do on my to-do list, which need to be faced immediately, I stop and write, mostly blog. Escape? Procrastinate? Hm not really. I found out that those friends also experience the same thing: one immediately watches movies in a marathon at home, DVDs. The other consumes books, one after the other. Funny that. Me, I write. Hm. What gives?

*

Skies are dark now. In the distance, a low rumbling is coming from the horizon. Another landfall might be upon us here in a few. I'm anticipating it so that I have something fresher to inhale today. The rain breeze somewhat calms me, when I'm inside my home. I don't know why.

But the stars are reminding me, once again, to focus.

Taurus Horoscopes

(Apr 20 - May 20)

Wednesday, Nov 3rd, 2010 -- You might feel conflicted today as your high ideals pull you one way while the practicalities of your current obligations pull you another. If you let your responsibilities slide, you may not be able to take time off to enjoy yourself. Keep in mind that complaining won't help. Don't put off your work; stay focused and accomplish as much as you can.

Okay. That, I will. After this.

*

Well, if there's one thing I miss right now, it's my time loitering around California with my sister and friends, and before that, my time loitering around New York with friends as well.

catching the salinas sunset
at the central coast of california
april 2010

I have yet to write about those two wonderful months, so many insights, thoughts, feelings unprocessed. Much talked about, but not jotted down. Hm, I really wonder why...

I guess it's because verbalizing mere thoughts would make the feelings behind them very real. Honest feelings. Vivid feelings. Perhaps I'm not yet ready to face a few of those honesty and vividness. Thus, they are left unspoken in written word.

Ah, hesitations. Well...

*

a street sunset silhouette in greenwich village
march 2010

What would it take for a person to just up and leave a nest to hopefully cocoon themselves in another nest somewhere out of their comfort zones? This earth sign person is having a hard time dealing with such thoughts, even if this double oxen has been nomadic in her "rootedness" all her life. Oxymoron? Paradoxical? You label it. I'm tired of labels, sometimes, especially as applied to me. Even if those labels purposefully work for me as well.

Ah. Dramatic irony. We live it.

Daily.

*

Friends have been flying the coop for love. It's always about love. It has to be about love. It always was. But is that the only thing that will make us move? Perhaps this is where that song "love makes the world go round" got its lyric. We became transnationals due to our heartbeats. Why is that? And is that the only kind of beat that will make this national go transnational?

As the now preggy Alanis once sang, these are the thoughts that go through my head...

*

Well, don't mind me. I'm just rambling. So many thoughts, so little time. Need to focus on what to write for work stuff, so I have to park these other thoughts somewhere else, somewhere where others could possibly give feedback, in order to help me process some of these thoughts, perhaps. Perhaps.

Feel free to comment.

As for my other focused thoughts, I'll be populating my other blog horcruxes in the coming days. Probably after next week, when the activities ease into my life again as the second semester begins and I face new work challenges ahead of me. For now, this will do.

tumbling tripping

My good friend emailed me in good old-fashioned way this meme thing that you have to fill out, those getting to know you thangs of yore. Of course in the information superhighway, yore means like 2-3 years ago, or pre-FB.

It was a nice experiment, seeing how people don't seem to be doing these sort of things outside Facebook. But I still posted mine on FB since it's easier to tag my friends there. But I'm reposting it here just the same.

Good way to kill time while pain is killing your lower back because of the dreaded monthly curse. These times of the month, I hate being a woman, I tell you.

---------

welcome to my planet.
[at the griffith observatory
in los angeles, california
/ april 2010]

tumbling tripping

sabi sa instructions, post one day at a time. e kinarir. so eto. tapos send back to people. tag na lang, easier.

sa tumblr daw dapat ito. e wala akong tumblr. kaya tumbling na lang.

kung di kita na-tag, sige lang din. sagot ka tas tag me. huway nat.


Day One: Ten things you want to say to ten different people right now.

1 - love yourself more. like now na. please lang.
2 - get a room na kasi and get it over with! dare! hahaha
3 - stop looking. it will come, sooner than you think.
4 - congratulations for being strong. stronger pala.
5 - don't worry, tatama din ako sa lotto.
6 - take it easy.
7 - i-petition mo na ko. like now na. hahaha!
8 - well, salamat na lang din.
9 - pucha ano ba talaga iq mo? curious ako. sa totoo lang.
10 - geez. talagang they put the A in biatch because of you, 'no?


Day Two: Nine things about yourself.

1 - i don't drink coffee after 6pm. or else i won't be able to sleep.
2 - i know how to ride a skateboard. kahit may ayaw maniwala.
3 - lately, mas gusto kong magsulat in filipino. ewan kung bakit.
4 - i'm beginning to dislike eating chocolate. afraid!
5 - i stopped eating rice na. congratulate me.
6 - i like all things orange. lalo na sa food. like carrots.
7 - i actually like living in buildings than in single detached houses. basta above the ground floor ba.
8 - once upon a time, i took bellydancing lessons. and i miss it.
9 - i miss deeskowdanceeng sa clubs. di ko lang matiis ang usok-usok now.


Day Three: Eight ways to win your heart.

1 - just be nice.
2 - wag ka matapobre. lubayan mo ako kung ganun ka.
3 - turn off ang uber-aggressive. mag-bungee jump ka na lang. dun mo ilabas yan.
4 - wag kang manlait nang walang basehan. constructive criticism keri ko.
5 - just care.
6 - just be there.
7 - wag ka makulit. titiradurin ko ilong mo.
8 - ewan ko. play it by ear na lang. characteristics change every year.


Day Four: Seven things that cross your mind a lot.

1 - sana tumama ako sa lotto
2 - poonyemas na saddlebags itoh
3 - sana kuminis ulit ang fez ko like back in college.
4 - hm kelan kaya ko ulit makakapunta sa bangkok?
5 - mag-migrate na kaya ako?
6 - stupid people.
7 - may saysay pa ba yan?


Day Five: Six things you wish you’d never done.

1 - gone to india without roaming around new delhi. olats.
2 - gone to new york without taking at peek at harlem. olats.
3 - gone to LA without trying to stalk jodie foster's house heheh
4 - became heterosexual. olats.
5 - became a cougar. harhar.
6 - turned down a modeling job? malay mo venus raj na pala ako ngayon. char.


Day Six: Five people who mean a lot (in no order whatsoever)

1 - the one who said "lilipas din yan. ano papanoorin nating sine?"
2 - the one who said "aliwin mo muna sarili mo. eto 300 dollars."
3 - the one who said "maghanap ka na lang ng bagong kaibigan"
4 - the one who said "kelangan yumaman na tayo libay. next year."
5 - the one who said "anong baka kasalanan mo? stop that."


Day Seven: Four turn offs.

1 - yabanggacious full of themselves peeps esp yung wala namang ibubuga talaga
2 - pa-victimization forever moda
3 - mapanlait ng race class gender sexual orientation disability social status intellectual capacity lalo na if they use the word of god against people to justify their hate
4 - hindi witty


Day Eight: Three turn ons.

1 - smartness
2 - kindness
3 - happiness


Day Nine: Two smileys that describe your life right now.

>:) - at work
:P - at play


Day Ten: One confession.

1 - i crush tyang amy? hehe.wala ko maisip. ibubulong ko na lang later. painumin mo ko.

august and everything after

Apologies to the Counting Crows for stealing the title of their late '90s album for this post. But nothing sounds more apropos for the feelings I wanted to jot down here, now, this time, and countenance.

November 1. The Philippines where I live is in a cemetery frenzy now as the country stops everything and "celebrates" All Souls Day. Or is it All Saints Day? But saints here in this country have long been prioritized so let's give the dead their day.

No choice but to be trapped here at home since home is near Loyola Memorial Park, one of the major destinations during this time of the year here in Marikina City. Hence the one-way rerouting and horrendous traffic going out. So I'm just staying put.

at camp john hay, june 2009

But I'm not really writing about that, directly. Maybe it's just coincidental that my sentiments fell on this day, during the celebration of the dead, during the third "-Ber" month we Pinoys love to mention in reference to the yearly Christmas countdown. But being a non-Yuletide cheerer, I don't usually count down the ber months for that. That is why everything after August seems to be a countdown to Scrooge-ness for me. Bah humbug. But that's another post.

But all is well in my department, so to speak, in terms of this latter part of the year. The first ber month was more horror-stricken than any due to personal circumstances affecting a portion of my life. Just a simple thing, that I became single again, so there. Well, it happens, and it's a part of life, so there's no bitterness there, really. Not this time, surprisingly. Unlike before. And for those who asked and expressed concern, thanks. Truly appreciate it.

sweet tooth at home, august 2008

But I'm good to go now, processed that quickly out of my system, like a fever that just had to break and eventually released until everything's fine again. And that has long been buried, even before the Day of the Dead arrived today. And I'm actually happy and glad I was able to put that behind, ever so quickly. Thank you clarity, as Alanis once reminded us. Clarity indeed. And focus. I guess the zen meditation helped with that one. Yes, finally, after a couple of attempts last year, was able to catch the module this time, and I'm happy I started it. It couldn't have come at a better time in my life. So yes, things are calm, things are soothed out, things are where they ought to be. I'm glad.

On the up side, I'm starting to reorient my life again and tapping the solitude once more, getting in touch with my inner Kal-el, feeling my way back to my own Fortress of Solitude. Not that I don't know how; I think this is really my default, being single, and having someone there sometimes is just a bonus, an enhancement. This is why I never found that Jerry Maguire quip "You complete me" very romantic, since there's nothing to complete in me. "You complement me" should do the trick, as I conversed with my friend over beer buckets last weekend after our semi-regular workout sessions. And this tapping thing is really good, since I was able to start some things I wanted to start before the last love arrived in my life. In short, the "back in business" sign is up again. Nothing closes, nothing opens, things run the way they should.

And so I find myself relaxing at the beginning of this third ber month of the season, resting from whatever I needed rest from the past two ber months before. The second ber month that passed was actually my favorite since my favorite borrowed festivity, Halloween, takes place that time. Everything's just orange and black with glowing lights in between, like the way I want everything to be, my three favorites in one celebration -- creative lighting in a dark background, before orange became the "new" black, and when black was the black. Something like that.

huma-hallow at sm north, october 2010

I'm taking advantage of this break since I didn't feel like I had any real rest, so to speak, during October, our sembreak supposedly, since our break also began late, as our official end-of-sem thingie happened just midway, October 15, which meant submitting grades and stuff happens a week after. The life of a professor, bah. So I actually felt cheated out of a sembreak this year. And then in a couple of days, second sem enrollment begins. And classes resume next week. Boo.

So aside from the usual school preps, I'm also preparing for an out-of-town workshop I'm conducting for my old women's NGO office right before school starts. I'm bringing along a couple of my good friends since we are on the verge of establishing a new media training/production group, and this will be our baptism of fire, the first real project. So that's keeping me awake at nights. I'm actually excited about these two ventures, reconnecting with my old feminist peers and jumpstarting this work with like-minded creative peers. Win-win.

And oh, this sem also introduces me formally to the world of the academe as "professor" since my automatic promotion papers finally arrived last September. So from my old Instructor 5 ranking, I am now Assistant Professor 1 since I was able to finish my masters degree, hence the crossing of ranks. And so, officially, I can now carry the title Prof. Libay. Imagine that. After five years. Well. Life in the academe could really suck your energies as I have blogged before. Just read Danton's recent nightmares. Poor guy. But well, we survive. We do.

As for the dreaded last ber month, well, I have a new bff to accompany me in passing the time away, if the weather so permits. Will introduce her all to you soon. I'm also planning the getaway, the one I was supposed to do the first ber month, until I talked to a colleague-mentor, whose insights I always treasure because of the wisdom behind them. Her dad died early this year and it was only recently that I was able to really sit down with her and ask about it. And I like the way she rationalized things about people's advice to get a vacation, go away for a while and that sort of thing. She told me something that will be really useful in my life: that when you take a trip, it shouldn't be because you are escaping or getting away from something sad, horrible or whatnot, since you have to deal with the concept of coming back, and coming back will be tougher to deal with.

september sunrise outside my sanctuary, 2010

That really made a lot of sense to me. And that is also why I had--have--to reconquer a lot of spaces, both inside of me and out, figuratively and metaphorically speaking, before I should embark on any kind of trip, especially of an emotional kind. That was really something. Blew my mind the moment I heard it. You really learn something new everyday.

And so, here we are, now. It's raining as I write this, but I'm glad to realize that I've done a lot of that reconquering already, with the help of a few good and trusted friends out there, and family especially, which made it even easier this time around. No more rains inside my household, and the sunset is beginning to be comforting again, somewhat.

As for goings-on, the usual stuff are still there. My latest Pinoy LGBT channel article on the Philippine Online Chronicles--about clothes and accessories as an LGBT indicator--is up, and I'll be writing this week's assignment right after this post (and there's a "guess that celebrity" tidbit I inserted there again heheh). My latest Manila Times article was way overdue in its posting (and I'm actually losing interest in that gig, but that's another story) but I'm glad online author colleagues were happy about their book's publicity -- and they deserve it! Read about the five women-penned dugtungan novel Angelica's Daughters here. My every Friday baby, the Cine Chichirya radio show, is still up and running over the AM band and via live streaming on the internet, and gaining more listeners and really good feedback from the Broadcast Comm. Dept people, so I'm happy about that one. I mean hey, you watch a movie every week and get to talk about it? That's not work; that's our life haller. We just get to do it on air, over our college radio DZUP.

at dzup with co-hosts xe and avie, july 2010

One more thing I have to focus on again is going back to writing more fiction. I've posted a few literary ramblings here and there, two poems which actually received quite a number of good feedback and a creative nonfiction piece that friends understood beyond its context. But my fingers are itching to tap more words. More fiction. More screenplays. But first, I have to polish the two really overdue novels in the back burner. And for that, we need time away from all things online. Maybe during the yuletide holidays. We'll see.

In the meantime, we chill.

And thanks for still reading.