nerd-o-rama

ayuz.

To rain or not to rain on his parade of poetry: UP Press offers Kilates’ Mostly in Monsoon Weather

To rain or not to rain on his parade of poetry: UP Press offers Kilates’ Mostly in Monsoon Weather

Whether in a sun-baked or soggy mood and mode of writing as he himself so describes, poet Marne L. Kilates lets the proverbial pen flow freely to commit poetic word after word to paper (or its electronic and computer counterparts). The result: his latest collection of poems new and revisited entitled Mostly in Monsoon Weather published by the University of the Philippines Press.

The collection is separated into two parts, the first called “In Dry Season Light” (with 25 poems) and the second “Mostly in Monsoon Weather” which is further divided into “Revisitations” (with 13 poems) and “Moon Songs” (with 25 poems). The works were written between 1998 and 2005 from the poet’s own dating of each piece.

A veritable mix of old and new works, Kilates’ poetic terrain—to borrow a term coined by poet Gemino Abad—maps out the inner and outer beings, traces and surfaces of the poet’s persona and his immediate surroundings, interacting whether drenched in rain or scorched by the sun. Widening his artistic reach, these surroundings are not limited to the poet’s current Metro Manila urbanite realities (with poems such as “Sometime Mornings Sestina” and “Saturday Afternoon at the College of Music”). Rather, it hovers and touches the surfaces of other locales (like Palawan in “Honda Bay” and “Snake Island” or Cebu in “Bus Ride from Argao”), expands all the way back to his Bicol roots in Daraga and Legazpi City in Albay (as exemplified in “Kagsawa” and “Legazpi Pier”), his paternal roots in Naga City in Camarines Sur and even extending it to other nations such as Italy (“Not So Alone in Rome”), China (“South of the Clouds”) and Thailand (“Thai Dance”), to name a few.

So what does Kilates want to achieve in this kind of literary mapping? Perhaps a more definitive query of his own inquiry, as he repeatedly asserts that “The monsoon always catches up with me.” But does it, really? “I wanted to remember sunlight, try to make a clearing for it in my memory,” he aspires. The whole collection indeed reflects these attempts of avoiding the rain one time and embracing the rain the next time, or doing both—at the same time.

Mostly in Monsoon Weather is Kilates’ third collection of poetry. His first is Children of the Snarl and Other Poems (1987) and the second is Poems En RouteBangkok, Thailand. (1998). Both collections were cited by the Manila Critics Circle’s National Book Awards in 1988 and 1998, respectively. Aside from receiving numerous Palanca awards, he also received the SEA Write or the Southeast Asian Writers Award established to honor leading poets and writers in the ASEAN region. He received the award in 1998 given in

A well-published poet, Kilates is also known as a translator of Tagalog poetry, authoring books on translations by poets such as Rio Alma (Sonetos Postumos, Dust Devils: A Bilingual Selection of Poems on Youth and Selected Poems of Rio Alma co-authored with Alfredo Navarro Salanga and Mike L. Bigornia), Rogelio G. Mangahas (Gagamba sa Uhay) and Jess Santiago (Gitara) as well as Maguindanao Folktales.

Kilates is currently one of the Board of Directors of Unyon ng mga Manunulat sa Pilipinas (UMPIL) and a member of the Center for Bikol Arts Foundation Inc. (CEBIKA).

Mostly in Monsoon Weather is available at the UP Press Bookstores in UP Diliman, Baguio, Cebu and Davao, Popular Bookstore in Tomas Morato Ave., Quezon City and Solidaridad in Padre Faura St., Manila as well as branches of Powerbooks, National Bookstore and Fully Booked.

In the U.S., UP Press titles are distributed by the University of Hawaii Press and the Philippine Expressions Bookshop. For those in America, please contact these establishments for the availability of this book.

//

Mannahatta Mahal: fil-am in NY's poetic tales from 9-11 and beyond

Mannahatta Mahal: poet expat’s latest opus from UP Press

The University of the Philippines Press is proud to release award-winning poet Luis Cabalquinto’s latest book of poetry.

Entitled Mannahatta Mahal: Collected Expatriate Poems, the collection boasts of 77 poems describing New York life as livid, lucid, lively, sometimes lonely, and, more importantly, larger than life—as seen through the poetic lenses of a Filipino living and working in the Big Apple.

A poem entitled “September Eleven” decidedly marks the start of the poet’s latest inner and outer journeys, and eventually goes within and beyond that important event in any New Yorker’s life. Here, we see Cabalquinto zoom in on the details of the streets, the people, the stores, the arts, the surroundings, even the birds and bugs that most take for granted on a busy day or active night. But as he points to these things, he pulls out to reveal meditations, ruminations and spirited thoughts about these observations. While there seems to be a default disconnection associated with life in New York, Cabalquinto is quick to point out its opposite, as he tells us of small pleasures one gets from the seemingly simple or mundane that fuels the fires of the soul, such as experiencing an outdoor classical music concert or quick restaurant meetings with dear old friends one has not seen for the longest time.

As another award-winning poet, UP College of Arts and Letters professor emeritus Gemino Abad, says of the collection, “With Cabalquinto, we enter the very heartland of poetry, its revels and revelations—there, a steady hand on the pulse of language, poise and vibrancy of expression, a clear-eyed venture into the heart’s secret wagers, a maturity of insight touched at times with humor and tenderness.”

Born in Magarao, Camarines Sur on January 31, 1935, Cabalquinto earned his BA in Communication at UP Diliman. He pursued further communication studies in Cornell University at Ithaca, New York under a Fulbright-Hays grant in 1968. It was in Cornell where he immersed himself fully in the world of poetry and fiction writing under the tutelage of notable literary writers. Cabalquinto was encouraged to focus on poetry when small press journals in the US began publishing his work. He also received multiple writing fellowships and awards such as the New York University Academy of American Poets poetry prize and the New York Foundation for the Arts fellowship award in poetry.

Since then, Cabalquinto’s works have appeared in local and international publications such as Caracoa, Philippines Free Press, Philippine Graphic, Manoa, Asiaweek, and American Poetry Review, to name a few. He has been published in the U.S., Australia, Hong Kong, France and even in the Czech Republic.

Mannahatta Mahal adds to Cabalquinto’s already impressive list of books which include The Dog-eater and Other Poems (1989), The Ibalon Collection (1990), Dreamwanderer (1991), Bridgeable Shores (2001) and Moon Over Magarao (2003).

In 2006, Unyon ng mga Manunulat sa Pilipinas (UMPIL) awarded Cabalquinto the Gawad Pambansang Alagad ni Balagtas for poetry. According to UMPIL, the award is given to “living Filipino writers who have contributed outstanding works in any language currently used in the Philippines and who have dedicated their lives and talents to the development, propagation and promotion of any Philippine literature.”

Indeed, with Mannahatta Mahal, the UP Press continues to support outstanding works by writers like Cabalquinto in its mandate of championing talented Filipino artists.

Mannahatta Mahal is available at the UP Press Bookstores in UP Diliman, Baguio, Cebu and Davao, Popular Bookstore in Tomas Morato Ave., Quezon City and Solidaridad in Padre Faura St., Manila as well as branches of Powerbooks, National Bookstore and Fully Booked.

In the U.S., UP Press titles are distributed by the University of Hawaii Press and the Philippine Expressions Bookshop. For those in America, please contact these establishments for the availability of this book.

//

teacher tumbling series episode 1

now i know why teachers get mad incessantly and want to blow themselves up and just shatter to smithereens (or they wanna do that to their students). hay.

may ganun kanina sa Film 10 class ko, the GE course for non-film majors. since 70 percent of the class is made up of UP freshies -- yes, straight out of haiskul layp -- they're still below par sa usual maturity rate. but being UP students, you kinda expect them to jack up a few notches or so up that scale because they have some kind of academic x-factor.

but nooooooooooo. may isa lang kanina na tumambling ako nang tanungin niya ko ng:

"mam, wala ba kayong ibibigay na...incentive o ganun, sa perfect attendance?"

tangina, ano to, haiskul??? may bonus points at medal pag wala kang absent sa tanang buhay haiskul? potah. nalurkey ako dun.

at tinanong niya yan dahil delinquente siyah. as in, uber delinquent to the max. he thought he could make a 4-minute film production overnight. i guess he's not listening well in class because i always tell them that i give them days off to work on their damn projects, not to go malling forever. most of the other kids were able to pull it off, with some really really pulling it off well that i wanna offer them to shift to our course! may future sa pelikula! but of course i don't say that out loud, that's kinda unethical. mej. bantayan ko na lang na mag-shift sila...

hay nakuh. what do i do with these ones? sagot ko lang sa kanya, ang incentive sa kanya ng perfect attendance ay yung marami siyang natutunan sa pag-attend niya ng klase! tangina. ano ba tong mga batang to! at naaasar ako kasi siya yung nag-express noon na gusto niyang mag-shift dito. kaya sabi ko nga sa kanya, dito pa lang sa Film10 di niya pinagbubutihan, what more sa higher film courses na mas demanding sa oras, talino and most of all -- maturity! jeezus fuck! i swear, ito ang topper ng aking teaching experience on hearing the most bizarre question from a student. trés bizarre super! incroyable!

wala. nabuang talaga ko dun. it's rare that i get wengkwengk questions from students but i'm just worried about education in general in this country because they seem to be increasing, these wengkwengkkids. hay nakuh... ewan.

hm, speaking of wengkwengk kids, tatlong cmc students na pala ang na-expel because of plagiarism. hah, if you guys think we're not serious in these things and you could get away with it, think again. sabi nga ni dean, kahit ilang sems na nakalusot kayo pero na-trace pa rin, deds pa rin. remember, nababawi ang bachelor's degree due to plagiarism. it already happened before. yes, here in UP. yes, here in CMC.

kaya laging mag-sariling sikap. walang mapapala sa pagkopya sa iba.

marriage riles me up

my ninang in toronto has been unsuccessfully and a bit successfully trying to send us here in pinas pictures of her son's wedding, my cousin's wedding, the one i grew up with in marikina. been trying to browse for the last couple of hours. something's wrong with the sending...

but i am happy for chet; the wedding invites came as early as three months ago and mine has been magnetized on my ref door since then. i told him if i had the money and if sked permitted, i would have flown to mississauga first chance i got to be with him on that momentous event (this is his first wedding, at the age of...i think 28 or 29). alas, neither permitted this poor unfortunate soul to fly out there and witness the grand event. still, i am happy for him.

chet's been my surrogate brother since we were kids growing up in marikina. but they migrated to canada early on even before he reached high school. so close are we that i even questioned his sexuality once when they last visited here in manila over some laps in a pool somewhere. being the non-macho shit that he is, i kinda suspected he was gay. yes, i am that one-track minded: non-sexist men to me are either gays or gays waiting to come out. he was neither. he was just a very very nice pinoy boy. although he was not secretive about gay advances to him back in toronto and all, and his extensive knowledge of church street, toronto's gay district, where he got his ear piercing and where QUEER AS FOLK US VERSION was shot (i just died of envy with his stories of this). his was a warm heart that i could talk to for hours, and wanted to ever since we last met...

his bride is a cute one, hot to be precise but i didn't want to scare her with my dykey comments. what i saw was good enough for me: my ninang and tito eli are happy enough for him, along with his two younger brothers and our other family members. so life is peachy...

but somehow, this reminds me of how us, being lesbians gays bisexual transgenders, do not even that societal privilege to be with the one we dearly love. what if our partners get sick and all, could we vsit them and be with them at the hospital? a resounding NO! that's because any relative up to the whaterver degree of consanguinity could be with them, but us? hell fuck no. kami lang naman ang partners for life, pwera lang ang benefit ng marriage and all. ano pinagkaiba? MALAKI.

the one film sequence that made me endlessly cry buckets before was that vanessa redgrave portion of IF THESE WALLS COULD TALK 2. she was a les who is a lola na whose partner died and then all of a sudden, her partner's relatives were talking everything in their house as if the things were theirs, not hers and her partner's. sad. made me sad because at the time i watched that, i was with someone whose family i was sure would act the same way, even if she explicitly said to her mother that one of her bank accounts would go to me in case she dies and all. fat chance. she almost wanted to build a house, gastos all hers, in a lot to be given to me by my parents as inheritance. but what if we split up? house is hers, lot is mine? hay no way dude. no way. so i killed that fairy tale long before it even began.

ewan. mahirap.

we at UP Sappho before debated over what our stand is on gay marriages. we are for it, or the simple reason that whatever heteros get in legal protection, we homosexuals should also get it. that's why i don;t get it when a writer colleague of mine before asked me why lgbts need to ask marriage pa when we got each other na happily living with each other. so binalik ko sa kany yung tanong. sabi ko "e kayo ng asawa mo, bakit kayo nagpakasal?" wala siyang masagot kundi yun na ang "natural progression" ng relasyon nila, magpakasal. sabi ko, why can;t lgbts have the same progression then? bakit kayo lang kinakasal? wala siyang msagot.

and there you have it. marriage is not actually the be all and end all of relationships. thanks to divorce and anulment in the US, these vows could esaily be dissolved. but i really wonder why some women prefer to be with husbands that don't treat them as human beings... or worse, make them happy, in whatever way.

kaya kayo diyan na nag-iisip na you got the losing end pf the bargain just because you have marital problems and all, whether kinakaliwa kayo ng asawa niyo o kaya may alzheimers pneumonia TB or cancer ang sawa ninyo, PAKATANDAAN NIYO NA AT LEAST, KAYO SA SOCIETY NA TO, PINAGBIGYAN KAYONG ASAWAHIN ANG MGA PUNYETERANG ASAWA NINYO. di tulad naming bakla, tomboy, bi o tranny na nagtitiis sa informal relationship na kahit man lang common law provisions e di nag-a-apply sa amin dahil sa HINDI NAMIN MAPAKASALAN ANG MGA PUNEYTANG MAHAL NAMIN SA BUHAY.

so should we feel sorry for you na mga may asawa na tinotorotot, may leukemia o kanser ang mga waswit, and whatnots? HELL FUCK NO! at least, tandaan niyo ito, MAY PAGKAKATAON KAYONG PAKASALAN ANG MGA PINAKASALAN NINYO, SAMALNTALANG KAMING MINSAN MAS DEBOTO PANG MAG-ASAWA KESA SA INYO E HINDI HINAHAYAANG MAGSAMA BILANG LEGAL ENTITIES NA MAG-ASAWA.

putangina niyo. yung suwerte niyo binabalewala niyo lang. samantalang kami, kapag ma sakit at naosipital ang partners namin, di kami puwede dumalaw dahil HINDI KAMI KAANO-ANO. samantalang kayo, mag-asawa pero di nagpapansinan, pero puwede lumabas pasok sa simbahan, sementeryo, ospital. di tulad namin. DI TULAD NAMIN!

kaya sa susunod, bago kayo magsalita ng mga salitang nakakasakit sa mga di tulad niyo, mag-munimuni muna kayo kung insensitive kayo o hindi.

conversations with one's self

why do i even bother? i mean, if she doesn't bother, then i shouldn't, too, right? i mean, not anymore... silencio incognito does not exactly scream out caring, i think. a friend happens to agree. don't make contact. see if she will. been there been that, i re-quote her, for the nth time, that night. been there, done that, indeed...

so why do i even bother? something my friend said echoed throughout the hollow of this malfunctioning clavicle: do you want to know so even before you start, you could already end it? what magic words. i said a resounding "YES!" because to invest with larger benefits may mean withdrawing all from one account so you will be able to open a new one somewhere else sometime soon. and yes, that is the hopeful plan. hope against hope, mind you. hope against hope.

when you get to this certain age, you have a certain feel of what you are certain you want to happen, right? my friend opined. yes, i agree with you, my friend. certainly. i agree. having heard her own story, i could not help but think out loud, with regret, that aye, there's the rub lass, things i do for naught, for it will not be a certainty that the familial bond would be fulfilled anytime, sooner, and especially later.

still, i am afraid of being tauted as like gia. love me love me love me... but someone actually said that to me before. i think she is right. i hate her for that. still do.

yes, that's why i don't make eye contact. one of two things. it's either i loathe you to damnation, or like you to utmost fruition. take your pick.

i already did.

hay, indeed. i love you from the bottom of my hypothalamus. does hate travel the same circuits? i wonder... indifference might as well do, also. it already reached me. loud and clear, i say, loud and clear...absofuckinglutely.

a nice nightcap

it's been a while since i saw a live music performance at a bar that serves liquor. of course, been patronizing our very own friday film bar event only if i like the film and/or the musician involved for the night. tonight, or most proper last night, was a film i wanted to catch, TODO TODO TERROS and capped by the music of cynthia alexander. since her third gig for that night was at 70s bistro, i decided to hang out with the gang there na lang because i live like 30 seconds away from the place. figured i might need the nightcap, and it's near, so it's cool. at saka sabi nga ni teta, pambawi sa last time i caught her there because i arrived like last 4 songs na kaya di ko na sila na-enjoy. tama nga naman.

so here i am.

and it was a nice nightcap indeed. earlier, she sang nice tunes at the film bar but most of them rather made me feel like weeping. i don't know why. well, i know why but of course i'm not sharing with y'all hehe. well, whatever. basta, i got the blues this month and it ain't about jazz, baby. no sirree it ain't. oh well...

so it was a nice nightcap because after a long time of wanting to sample bistro's superb lengua dish again, i got to listen to some cool tunes while downing some affordable liquor at last! too bad cynth's gigs are always no smoking fares kaya suffer ako kanina hahahaha. oh well... bawi na lang tomorrow.

and the bistro gig was happier because the tabla guy was there! she has this indian dude who plays tabla kasi, and he's always there at the bistro gigs kaya talagang ako pumili ng front row seat para clear view of him ang aking perspective. i've always wanted to try to play that instrument kasi. kasi unlike the djembes or bongos na heavy sa palm work, mas hapi sa akin ang tabla kasi more of finger work. e mas sanay ako sa finger work kasi if ever i play skin perks. hm, i dunno why, pero baka my being a lesbian has something to do with that heheheh but i digress...

anyway, it was a nice set. kahit cynth was kinda sleepy na, nabuhayan after midnight. she sang covers na nice to hear after all this time, especially hearing joni mitchell's "both sides now" played with tabla! wahaaaa that was something! and we goaded her to play indigo girls' "ghost" we being me, teta and beng. some girl from the audience sang with her and that was cool. then their rendition of the om shanti song was also ethereal but with drums, thanks to budeths who made an appearance. hm, na-overshadow lang niya si tabla dude kaya well... whatever...

also heard two cynthia songs i like ever since, na tagal ko nang di narinig kaya nagfa-flashback ako when i heard them kanina: "insomnia" and "hello baby." wow grabe lang sa flashback yung hello baby... reminded me of days when i was...i dunno, braver, i guess... and more gutless, but super sappy. hahah go figure. basta.

well, the liquor also helped so that rather completes the night cap for me...

so we're good. for now. i hope tomorrow would bring better tidings.

ciao.


ps buti na lang walang undesirables na nakita kanina hahahaha yun lang worry ko lagi sa gigs ni cynth, except for... hahaha bad chord progression? or maybe bad poetry for us hahaha... not to mention... hay naku bailar bailar ka jan... hahahaha. kakaiba.

chos.


as i said, some people never learn. and some people never learn the difference.


for sure!

the funny thing about life is...

talking, working with, interacting, comparing notes, listening, hanging out and seeing people in their twenties these days, particularly this month, brings me to one conclusion i never thought i'd be happy to declare:

i do not miss my twenties!

for sure!

i mean, let's face it. it's nice to be in that age bracket but it's also hell. it's the in-between ground where you just recently got out of college and will be, for the next 3-6 years, orbiting purposefully or aimlessly to find your own spot in the cosmos to build your entire universe, and then the scare of the next decade is right around the corner to remind you that you need to do something in your life, fast, as in right now, to be able to stand up to people and say hey, i have made my life what i want so far blah, only to realize that you really haven't and you're scared shitless of what will happen next that you're just content with stepping on other people's toes, making your mark without thinking of other people (especially your parents) and just trying to make it from new year's day to christmas eve, without a scratch and with a lover to show off to the world, and trying to hump each other like crazy rabbits only to find out that indeed, the condom has its important role in life.

blah. i so do not miss my twenties. even if i miss the label "generation x" because that was us, indeed. but even douglas coupland has moved on and is now refocusing his energies, but like us in that label, we are all still productive. the way we want to. word up!

observe the twenties of this generation. this is not how my twenties was spent. was able to make something out of the decade. kaya nga i am able to spend quiet moments with myself in this decade. peaceful, zen-like moments that give you inner smiles.

hehehe sabi nga ng isang fellow writer, 40 is the new 30. tama. dahil sa totoo lang, 30 is the new 20. and if we go by that mccann erickson youth survey, 20s is the new tweens -- spending/thinking like teenagers only this time with more disposable income at their disposal, especially with the call center profit, the aim of the young ones daw is to "earn fast sooner than later." at tama sila dyan. in short, mas dumarami ang rakstar sa kanila! hahahahaha. and that is so true.

i am content. bow.

who wants to watch this? contact me asap

to my students (yes, i know you read this!) and my teacher colleagues (hm, i wonder who among them read this...), contact me asap if you want to watch this event. bilis. you know where to find me.

dahil hindi na ko makapaghintay...

...chichichiryahin ko na itong bagong pelikula ni jodie foster my love.

yes, my love, dahil ang tagal ko nang itinakwil ang debosyon ko sa kanya mula nang mapag-trip-an niyang maging mas action star-ish (FLIGHT PLAN, PANIC ROOM) o kaya'y dekorasyon sa mga pelikulang kelangan ng pag-aayos ng kwento (THE INSIDE MAN, DANGEROUS LIVES OF ALTAR BOYS). pero mula pa noong bagu-bago pa lang ang internet sa buhay ko e nauna na ang debosyon ko kay jodie nang masilayan ko sa sinehan ang kagalingan niya bilang aktor (THE ACCUSED, SILENCE OF THE LAMBS, NELL, CONTACT) at minsan din ay direktor (LITTLE MAN TATE, HOME FOR THE HOLIDAYS) kahit sa sige na nga, magaling siyang umarteng hetero kahit ang ka-akting niya ay banban (SOMMERSBY) o sobrang bilib sa sarili (MAVERICK) pero alam naman naming lahat na ang tawag niya sa co-parent ng kanyang mga anak ay partner at matagal nang inaabangan ng sangkalesbyanahan ang kanyang pag-amin na siya ang aming numero unong diyosa. :)

but i digress. let's go to this film.


THE BRAVE ONE
d. neil jordan
dop. philippe rousselot
c. jodie foster

it's been a while since i've seen a neil jordan film. i like the way he directs because he knows how to visualize a well-written material. he knows how to communicate with his production people, his dop most especially, and the actors of course, that's why he could get the most out of all of them and make one great concoction that is so meaty, refreshing, satisfying, and thought-provoking. similar examples are THE CRYING GAME and INTERVIEW WITH A VAMPIRE.

hm, is it strange or is there a lot of homoeroticism going on in the characters of these two films? so it might not be a wonder if jodie herself appears so freakingly dykey butchy here in the film, which made me -- and i'm sure a host of other jodie-devoted dykes out there -- fall in love with her anew.

and fall is right. because finally, after years of hibernation, jodie emerges with a film that befits her stature as a great thespian. finally, good material for jodie! at eto na nga yun.

the story is good. she plays erica, a talk radio host who ruminates on the essence of new york city and its streets chever. she even records sounds of the city. at ang ganda kasi it's been ages din since i saw a film focus on sounds as life ek. at okay ito. tapos maganda rin ang discussion na "why don't my hands shake" chever na na-feel niya when she makes killings with her 9mm automatic gun. boy, would i want to do that din, no? kaya i'm sure daming babaeng relate dito kaya nga sabi niya regarding the many outraged women out there e marami kami out there. at tama siya doon. hundreds, if not thousands of women are harassed, abused or downright killed just because they/we are seen as weaker than men. kaya when she makes killings vigilante style, men, sarap lang ng feeling kahit visceral lang. as in. well, not really. kasi ako i also target shoot as a hobby before (rifle, not pistol) , pero not anymore, since i got my glasses. at saka wala akong tinamaan na tao. although i really wish... some people...

natatawa lang ako kasi iba talaga ang nakikita ko sa pelikulang ito. o masyado bang purple-colored ang lenses ko? pero kasi naman ati, sobrang dykey lang talaga ng hitsura ng lola jodie dito eh. from the simple colored shirts to the straight cut jeans and the fitting jackets, especially the leather ones! ang simple pero ang cool! and ang lesbian! hahahahaha. and the way she walks din. postura baga. sometimes she's so andro, sometimes she's so butchy, soft butchy nga lang, the kind i'll make patol to hahaha and the kind i have been accused/labeled from time to time. hahahaha. hay...

nakakaaliw lang din isipin na ang galing niyang i-shake off ang kanyang clarice sterling fbi agent training of holding a gun at kaya niyang palabasin ang first time gun holder chever dito. winner!

winner din ang support cast, from mary steenburgen to that detective dude. okay rin yung interracial ek na ang fiance niya ay isang indian national. cool.

saka hindi mo iintindihin ang haba ng film. 2 hours lang siya pero hindi siya mahaba. maganda kasi ang storytelling pace, plus i also like to look at how rousselot, one of my favorite dops of all time, lights the scene. siya rin ang nag-ilaw sa INTERVIEW and other films i also visually love like CHARLIE AND THE CHOCOLATE FACTORY, LA REINE MARGOT (with another of my loves, isabelle adjani), CONSTANTINE and HENRY AND JUNE.

gusto ko rin yung discussion na you become someone else when something tragic or traumatic happens to you. tama siya doon. kaya maganda yung characterization because it's real and it's honest. and most important of all, it's valid. kasi tama, you never go back to who you are after you experience something traumatic, lalo na sa mga babae, be it as "simple" as being mugged or maholdap ka sa fx, ma-harass ng isang manyak, as emotionally complicated as experiencing the death of a loved one (relative, parent, friend, sibling) or having your heart broken for the first, second or nth time, or worse, being molested or raped. no, my dears, you never go back to who you once were. tama yung film, you become someone else, and most often, that someone is indeed a stranger. like how many of you out there feel that you don't know yourselves anymore after such a traumatic experience? think about it.

that's what i like about this film. kahit simple lang kung titignan ang string of events, marami siyang insights na papag-isipin ka deep down. kaya keri ko siya.

o bilis, nood na! dapat big screen. sayang dop ni rousselot kapag sa dvd lang pinanood ito!

patalastas sa pagpapakadalubhasa

surveying my ten years' worth of stories, poems and what have yous here in my pandora's buxom of writings, i revisit some materials that i have long forgotten. and it makes me laugh sometimes, especially reading the earlier ones.

there's this sequence in THE L WORD where jenny the writer tries to enroll in a prestigious creative writing teacher's class, played by out bisexual comedian sandra bernard. when she finally gets in the class, i remember one session where the teacher scolded jenny. she said to her:

"You don't write [fiction]; you journal."

and that has resonated in me ever since i heard it. i've also been guilty of doing that a lot of times. sure, my personal experiences have been the jumping board of ideas for my fiction pieces but the thing is, i can't detach sometimes. that's the problem. kaya natatawa ako nang marinig ko yun sa show, tapos natatawa ulit ako ngayon remembering that while reading my stuff. nagse-select na kasi ako ng final candidates for my MA CW thesis, which will be a collection of my short stories in english. dapat a dozen lang ang gagawin ko, dyke's dozen baga hehe, pero mukhang kailangan kong dagdagan for the stupid page count requirement of a hundred. hm...

sayang. sarap sanang ipa-workshop itong mga kwento kong iba kasi gusto kong i-revise. was talking to my writer friend joel nga and exploring the possibilities of joining this writing group kaya lang mga filipino writers kasi sila mostly. although joel writes in english naman hm... we'll see.

also quite amusing to note his pasintabi kuwento, na i am "famous" daw in penguin cafe malate hahahaha. well, at least to the dykes who hang out there daw. now how come i never see these people when i visit there? hanlayo kasi ng lokasyon e. pumunta na lang kaya kayo dito sa qc mga hija? at dito tayo maghuntahan hehehe. i would love to hang out with fellow kabaros, always. you know me.

strangeness talaga yun hahahah. hay... famous ka jan. hahahaha. hm, makapunta nga malate hahahaha! sino sasama? chos.

ngatngatan

nasa mood so dive lang.


SISTERHOOD OF THE TRAVELING PANTS
s. from the novel by ann brasshares

since there's a dvd of this lying around somewhere here, i decided to watch it when i saw that the young adult literature (YAL) novel na pinagbasehan nito ay kasama sa "teens read too" 20-book challenge chuva ng adarna house, sponsor ng barlaya YAL workshop na sinalihan ko. dahil sa YAL at amerikano at mga teeny girlies, parang alam ko na ang mangyayari sa pelikula, at sa libro na rin siyempre.

okay ang naratibo niya, not too exciting yet not too boring either. maganda yung concept na isang pantalon sinusuot ng apat na iba't ibang personalidad na kababaihan at sa pagsuot nila nito e may nadidiskubre sila sa sarili nila eklavu. siyempre hindi positive lahat, dahil mukhang yan ang thrust ng YAL lately na napapansin ko, na bridge siya sa pagpapaintindi sa mga hindi na gaanong bata sa mga isyu ng mundo na kinakaharap ng mga matatanda at paghahanda ito sa kanila bilang malapit nang maging matanda. something like that. like two of the characters dealt with issues of death here, yung isa, si punk rocker filmmaker nagpapaka-goth outcast e nakakilala ng isang feeling close na bata na may leukemia pala, na nadeds. tapos yung blondinang soccer player na promiscuous e namatayan ng ina. tapos yung dalawa, dilemma ng pamilya at/o pag-ibig, tulad ng karakter ni america ferrer ba yun, herrera something, basta yung si UGLY BETTY, na may race issue dahil puerto rican siya at puti tatay niya na biglang nagkaroon ng ibang pamilyang sobrang WAC ang dating. tapos yung isa e greek naman at napaibig sa isang kaaway ng pamilya niya sa greece a la romeo and juliet na plot pattern.

so mga complex na pinagdaraanan o pagdaraanan ng mga teenager ang kinaharap nila. maganda naman nga ang paglalahad. epektibo siya bilang pelikula rin kasi nakita ko ang ganda ng greece. ang sarap talagang bisitahin ang lugar na iyon. i swear isang araw, i will be there and worship at the palace of my goddess athena hehe.

medyo naging interesante ako sa libro nang napanood ko ito. makes me want to see how the narrative unfolded through the pages. sige basahin ko.



BRIDGET JONES 2: EDGE OF REASON
c. renee zellweger

may isang salita na dati ko pang ginagamit noong kabataan ko dahil may tunay siyang meaning na narinig kong muli na ginamit ngayong matanda na ako ng konti sa isang konteksto na nakakaaliw at nakakatuwa, di taliwas sa orihinal niyang konteksto pero may pagkakaiba ng kaunti. iyon ay ang salitang TUMBLING. ang daming kaibigan sa lgbt community na gumagamit nito na ngayon e naririnig ko na rin kahit sa labas ng komunidad. like pag nagdi-discuss ng strategies ng anti-discrimination bill sa congress, sasabihin ng mga lobbyists na "magta-tumbling ako sa kongreso bukas" or something like that. kaya tuwing maririnig ko ang salitang tumbling e natutuwa ako...at oo, magaling akong mag-tumbling nung bata ako. na ang proper term pala, i learned when i grew up, was cartwheel.

bakit ko dini-discuss ito? dahil sa nag-tumbling ang byuti ko nang pinapanood ko ito. it's bad enough that i get reminded of how sad single life is via bridget's ramblings blah blah na kung titignan naman talaga e single life's not so bad. pero she makes it sound so bad, kaya naiinis din ako dahil nakakadagdag ito sa undue pressure sa mga taong single diyan, lalo na't babae ka, at pilipina ka, at hetero ka. grabe lang sa pressure. i have tons of friends and relatives who could vouch for that. you might be one, too. well, of course hindi rin exclusive ang singlehood discourse sa hets only. even lesbian women feel the pressure. read my article on that and you'll know, especially the section appropriately titled "keeping up with the bridget joneses."

yung unang film, okay lang. may humor. pero itong isang ito e hindi ko alam pero parang naging pathetic loser shit si bridget, na lagi siyang nagmumuni-muni at nagsususpetsa sa jowa niya. makes me think how the author of the book looks at single women, na kapag matagal kang single tapos nagka-jowa ka, you become some pathetic person who holds on to the relationship and flaunts it pa sa lahat or something like that. basta! nakakairita.

mas lalong nakakairita ang pinaka-reason kung bakit ako nag-tumbling: the lesbian angle. all along, yung pinagdududahan niyang mistress ng jowa niya e sa kanya pala may gusto, at hinalikan pa siya! tangina talagang tumambling ang byuti ko sa plot twist na itich! kainis! kaasar! para saan yun??? walang silbi. wala na sigurong maisip yung author. helen fielding ba? whatever. hindi nakaka-engganyong basahin tuloy ang libro. nyetah. buset.

*toingk!* (sound of me tumbling)




CAVEDWELLER
s. based on the novel by dorothy allison

the reason why i watch or buy books with dorothy allison's name is that she is an out lesbian writer who writes well. short stories ang una kong nakita sa kanya noon sa mga lesbian anthologies. kaya nung nakita ko yung librong BASTARD OUT OF CAROLINA sa bookstore dati, binili ko. pero di ko pa ito nabasa kasi may nakita ako agad na pelikula nito sa video store. so being the film buff that i am, i watched first. and boy, was it heart-wrenching. hindi ko na mauulit pa yung storyang yun, so the book now remains unread to this day. hambigat kasi men.

enter cavedweller. i don't have a copy of the novel pero what the hey, watch the dvd na lang muna. so that i did. and as typical of allison's stories, it is set in some midwestern/southern (not so sure) state in the US where they have twangs where they speak. medyo redneck country so to speak, for lack of a better description. specialty niyang magkuwento ng mga kuwento mula sa ganitong lugar, ng mga taong not too destitute but sometimes too desperate in their despair. either it will hit you hard or it will make you feel so detached. with this one, i am rather detached. maybe it's the way the visuals unfolded, or the story was visualized, pero something in here doesn't work. i think it's the pacing. the dramatic beat of the story may have been trying to appropriate the beat of the novel or storytelling pace ni allison in general, pero parang weird. masyado yatang mabagal for cinema to have it unfold that way. or maybe it was the detachment of the characters in the portrayal of their characters. of course, typical allison themes have abused women who run from abusive men. and to note, hindi nga pala lesbian-themed ito, kahit yung BASTARD, because that one's autobiographical, kaya mas masakit panoorin. saka mas magaling acting dun. dito kasi, ewan ko ba. miscast yata lahat sila.




THANK YOU FOR SMOKING
c. aaron eckhart

based pala ito sa isang novel. it's a very interesting story and a very comic one. hinabol ko sa cine adarna at buti na lang sa big screen ko napanood kasi mas epektibo ang dating niya.

maganda ang pagkakagawa, yung stylistics ng filmmaking were utilized very well dito at marami siyang mensaheng naipalabas. at ang pinaka-importante, para sa akin, ay ang "walang black or white sa isyu ng paninigarilyo at lobbying, puro gray area lang" na alam kong alam naman ng lahat pero hindi ina-acknowledge ninuman, kahit ng mga advocates of whatever. puwedeng sabihing anti-smoking ang storya or whatnot, pero i think the story shows more than that. it shows you many sides of a controversial issue and it makes you decide on your own if you will stand in the black, the white or the gray area. kaya effective siya for me. now this is a novel i'd like to read, too, if ever i had the time. gustong-gusto ko yung concept ng barkada nila, yung mod squad or merchants of death kasi yung isa, spinner ng small arms, yung girl tomador kasi alcohol naman hehe tapos siya big tobacco. tapos later nag-expand kasama na ang big oil, loggers, weapons of mass destruction at saka iba pa. hahahaha. nakakatawa. ito dapat inii-sponsor ng mga NGO na film showing hahaha. funny.




HAIRSPRAY
c. john travolta, nikki blonsky, michelle pfeiffer, queen latifah, christopher walken and that dude in high school musical and the guy from xmen

masaya ito! this is based on the late '80s john waters film of the same title, starring ricki lake. and i know those details because i grew up watching ang loving john waters' films. sobrang campy pero happy. kaya nung lumabas ito noon, aliw ako! tapos naging broadway musical siya nung early 2000s yata, tapos happy rin yung songs, favorite ko yung "momma i'm a big girl now." tapos eto, naging movie musical na siya, kaya three times na ang happy. happy!

ang sarap sumayaw. mahilig kasi ako sa mga pelikulang may sayawan na ganito, tapos mahilig din ako sa mga vintage nostalgia americana chenes na ganito, mga 50s-60s type ba. ewan ko ba feeling ko my past life was there during that time. iyan lang yata ang aspect ng american culture na gusto ko ng sobra kasi magaganda ang designs. classic vintage, colors, the graphics. ewan ko ba, type ko tignan yung mga ganyan e. kaya trip na trip ko ang mga diner set-up na restos kasi ganyan ang interior design, like our uber-hangout before na sam's diner, sometimes dean st. cafe and now butter diner. hay...

tapos maganda yung pagkakagawa ng choreo na nag-swak sa pelikula. kaya pala ganito kasi nung nag-flash yung credit sabi e yung direktor ang gumawa rin ng choreo. na mabuti naman kesa sa yung direktor e walang ideya sa choreo tapos ifi-film lang yung mga nagkakantahan at nagsasayawan. ang chachaka nung ganun. pero eto, galeng kasi interwoven ang dance and songs sa language and grammar of film. hanep! bet ko sya!

saka cool yung kuwento kasi nito. integration of races in a racially divided america noon. plus self-image din ng teen girls. saka showbiz, or the business of entertainment. daming issues pero hindi heavyhanded ang treatment, true to the feel of the original film. kaya lang mas masaya yung noon kasi mas emphasized yung hairspray element. as in lagi talaga silang nag-ii-spray ng hairspray. na nakakatawa at nakaka-relate ako/kami noon kasi ito yung panahon na talaga namang nagtataasan din ang mga bangs at buhok ng mga babae kakagamit ng aquanet hahaha! tangina nabutas lalo ang ozone nung panahun na yun! the cobra hairdo! walangya. hahaha funny.

kaya lang medyo na-off ako sa audience nito. kasi the makers did a helluva pr job about john travolta playing the role of the obese mom. pero nung may mga tender moments sila ni christopher walken, some people just voiced their homophobic rants na naman seeing nga na dalawang lalaki talaga yang nasa screen. nakakainis! i guess the suspension of disbelief was not big on them. or talagang homophobic ang mga taong matuturingan. or both.

nonetheless, di ko na pinansin yun masyado. or at least i tried. basta i focused on enjoying the film and that's it. kaya panoorin niyo na siya sa big screen kasi mas masaya kesa sa dvd, sensurround and all.

bad poetry night

originally posted at my downelink blog

-------------------

since this space is just asleep, i thought i'd wake it up with bad poetry hehehe. i am by nature a fictionist, to paraphrase leslie cheung's character in farewell my concubine. i'm not so confident about my poetry but what the hey, this space is a safe one for sharing among like-minded womyn, so i'll go for it...

so i'll just post my poetry here in the hopes that you gals would be able to decode it and maybe figure it out if i mean what i say or if i'm just pulling your leg... well, it's up to you to believe it or not. after all, i'm writing this during the influence of some liquid or substance whatsoever (whatever's in the legal limit, mind you).

whatever. here goes.

oh yeah, comments are most welcome. good AND bad. i don't cry at criticism, trust me. i'll even love you for it. yes, that's how masochistic i am about words...

-------


Resurfacing, unsaid
(for grace)

I keep wondering if you still have time for me
What’s everything for?
The future’s too far from the here and now
But I know you worry about that a lot
The whys, the heretofores sometimes leave me
Wandering to see if there is more
Time for me to have time for me
Unlike you

Driven by speed or caution
Is not the way to go
For us
Maybe it’s time you said those
Dreaded words we both avoid
To say to each other:
It’s not working for me.
Or is it such a dreaded
Declamation that makes us feel
Entwined with work that we hope the other
Could just forget the whole thing
That is us?

Is there still an us?

Makes me wonder how people tick
Tucked in their own spaces
Talking about things that preoccupy
When the thing that we wanted most
To hear is not signified
In any matter or form whatsoever
Make or break, so be it
But who’s the first one
To acknowledge?

I know it would never be you
For that is your nature
To wait on things that satisfy
And leave formalities unattended
Until it is too late to restart
And all you will be left with is
Yourself, without a start,
From the start.

I know it would never be me
For it is in my nature
To behold the moment too much
And let you take your steps
Even if it means
You step on me, too
I have been known to be that
And do that, and be that, still

Makes me wonder if I’ve ever
Really changed for the better
Or for the worse
Some people think I deserve better
Than you, but I fought otherwise
Now, I am beginning to think
They are right
All along
But only about the part where
They think I could do better
Than be with someone
They don’t trust

I don’t know who to believe anymore
Them, or me, or you
Who keep on saying words that
Make me hold on
To what we have
Even if what we have is something
I could not quantify, or even qualify
As belonging to me, or to you

Clearly we do not see each other as
Property
Belonging, being, owing
Terms we do not use
In this day and age, we scoffed,
These are outmoded thoughts
But deep down, we both know
We wish those thoughts
Might some day – one day –
Apply to us. To me, to you,
And to that put together –
To us.

To us.

As to where we’re headed
That might be up to you
Entirely
Should you decide on things
For the better, without me,
Then so be it.
If you decide to be with me,
For worse,
Then so be it.
So long as you stay committed
To the truth
I will not question any argument
You will present as I mourn

No, it was never meant to be
Maybe it was meant to be
Something else
But we interpreted things differently
Or maybe it was not just
Our time to shine
Together

Whatever the ending
I know we had a beautiful beginning
Still, I am happy to have felt that
And for me to know
That you have felt that, too,
Is enough reason for me
To go on…without you
Should you decide to be,
To go on without me

I thank you.

//

streetfood, feedback, starsighs

my friend ly in new york sent this street vendors award thingie.

sarap. one reason to walk around the world: sample street food fare. nagutom tuloy ako dito a. gusto ko ng felafel, shawarma at lamb. kainiz.

kaya lang, walang pinoy? hm, baka restos and corner places ang kainang pinoy sa nooyawk, hindi street vendor type... although it's about time may maglako ng bananacue, pritong lumpia with suka at kamote chenes sa bilao anywhere in the world, no? parang yung mga nagkalat sa campus. ang dami lang nila. fishball kaya?

i remember when i was in bangkok, inikot namin ng friends ko ang banglamphu(sp?) area to check out khao sarn road (where THE BEACH was partly shot) and the paikot na rambutri road doon kung saan nagkalat ang street chenes nightlife. sarap! bawat mahintuan yata namin sinasampolan ko ang inihaw streetfood hehe. may hepa shots naman ako so safe hehehe. at masarap siya kasi! except for that parang pritong ipis thing na kulay red. iyon tinitigan lang namin, before we decided to check out an ice cream parlor there.

yum.

too bad i wasn't able to do that in delhi. ngekngoks kasi yung mga conference organizer at di man lang kami na-city tour chenes. kulang sila sa spirit of tourism chenes. well, i'd love to go back there in india and do that. maybe sometime soon. siguro somewhere in the south of india naman para mas vegetarian ang fare. gusto ko lang sa north kasi maraming lamb dishes.

i heart street food.

*

feedbacking.

hi trisha! thanks for the comment. i googled barlaya too and found don's blog. took a peek at yours, too. ingat! keep in touch. may multiply din ako. add me up!

yoshke, tama ba? oo nakapag-comment na pala ko dati sa yo. di mo lang nabasa. daan ka lang ulit when you're around. ingat!

i agree with you kee, di magfa-fly itong no smoking sa diliman hehehehe. napapayosi tuloy ako...

pash, thanks for stopping by. will wait for your next film. sige, challenge yan ha, try not to be too talkative hahaha! ingat!

*

i like my star readings today, so apt:

Taurus (Apr 20 - May 20)

You may have unrealistic expectations about what you hope to accomplish at work. As much as you should be cautious about anything that seems disarmingly good, there's no need to be overly negative, either. Disaster is not looming around the next corner as long as you remain practical now.

General Daily Overview

The Moon enters lovely Libra at 7:31 am EDT, where she can make almost anything appear sweeter. Today this tendency is exaggerated as the Sun creates a crunchy quincunx with fanciful Neptune, challenging us to find the truth. We may trust our fantasies more than reality, even when confronted with the facts -- for they, too, can be bent out of shape by our illusions. This isn't, however, about denial; it's about using our minds to create the future.

magandang reminder to self yan.

*

more later. don't want to comment on the big news of the day. let's wait what happens first... nuninuninu...

deal breakers

attention university of the philippines diliman smokers!!!!

my former teacher who works at the registrar's office just told me that peyups is about to unleash a new university-wide ordinance that will again signify that the university is taking a few dozen steps back into the dark ages.

after banning alcohol in the campus (the one that comes in bottles as hard or soft), they are now going to enforce daw the no smoking ordinance chenes anytime soon. which means no more yosi breaks anywhere in the campus. in effect na naman ito in several areas, like bawal na sa loob ng enclosed airconditioned rooms and such places. pero now, even in the freaking parking lot iba-ban na daw. pati daw mga kotseng napapadaan lang sa campus that happened to have a smoker smoking inside the moving vehicle will be banned. what the fuck di ba? labo kaya nun. imagine being stopped by security like this : "bos, bawal pasok UP kung di mo patayin sigarilyo." labo.

again, when i heard this, like when i first heard that alcohol is banned on campus, napabulalas ako ng "huwaaat? kelan pa tayo naging ateneo?" not to offend our jesuit-trained friends but hey, at least doon kasi may grounds kung bakit may such bans sa mga vice products like alcohol and yosi. even miriam already did that and it was quite a struggle there as narrated before by ms gigi francisco. the truly feminist ones of that school indeed put up a fight! pero wala rin, the "cleaner" people won and when we were in miriam for a meeting before, we had to walk more than a hundred steps towards a small patch of land with a small tent thing near the creek place designated as the only smoking area of that campus. ang labo. i asked if peyups will implement the same thing, put up tents and designated smoking areas and such, and my teacher is not yet knowledgeable about the details of the fine print. shit hits the fan itish!!!

well, let me tell you, that just sucks. i mean, thanks for being concerned about people's health and all, but the point of being people is just that: we are free to choose whatever the hell we want to do, buy, eat, drink and all so long as we are not directly harming people in any way. but outright banning? man, that's just the pits. para siyang censorship during the time of the dictatorship. bawal kahit ano, lalo na kritisismo. labo.

sa upfi na lang where i work, deds na kapag may ganyang chorva. like our meetings and even thesis defense comes to a halt when majority of the faculty decides to have a yosi break, and of course we allow ourselves that, as a release and break from the work and all. hey, it's not like we're smoking marijuana or anything like that di ba? ewan. labo. sabi ko nga kay mam heidi who told me, malaking away itoooooooo. tignan na lang natin how cao will handle this one! faculty una niyang kaaway dito patay siya hahahahahah! tabako pa naman tinitira ng iba riyan. hay nakuh.. hm man, speaking of that, i miss my panatelas... makabili nga.

this smoking thing came to my mind because i was watching the season2 rerun of sex and the city earlier and the ep was the one where carrie first meets aidan and she tries to switch off smoking just because he hates smokers. something like that. sabi nga niya, how much was she willing to trade off or sacrifice for a cigarette. pero tama rin naman siya e. dapat people will accept you no matter who you are, and you just do minor alterations to fit each other's lives in a relationship. to demand for a wardrobe overhaul would be criminal. that means you went into a relationship and wanted to control your partner's everything to suit your own thing. now that is just not sound, just and correct.

sabi nga ni billy joel "don't go changing to try to please me...i love you just the way you are." now if some person told you that, how much of that is true kaya? i've seen friends do 180 degree turns just to please their mates. i, for one, used to do that in the past but thank goddess i snapped out of it. if you meet somebody whom you think you could be with but they demand so many changes from you that you won't even recognize your own self once they are done with you, man, better get the hell outta there. some friends naman were just so dying to be changed that they welcome this kind of overhaul 100 percent. again, to each their own, man. to each their own.

sometimes in order to fit into a beloved's beliefs, you change your own to suit his or hers. perhaps we could chalk it up to symbiosis, but if it becomes too much that you lose your identity, now that's just plain weird. are you willing to do that? if you ask me, after 4 major relationships in this lifetime, no. clarification: not anymore. yes, folks, i was once a sap. too much of a sap, to be exact, that's why i am doing my own overhaul. i owe my intelligence that.

i've always gone by the rent credo of "i'm looking for baggage that goes with mine" because you really cannot separate people from their past, let alone their baggage, no matter how hard they pose the opposite. but if you seek to help your partner with their baggage and attack you for it, man, that's just weird, di ba? labo nun pero i've seen many friends attacked by their mates because of that. same here.

my friends and i have been talking before about this, na ano nga ba ang deal breakers namin when it comes to relationships. iba iba ang sagot diyan, siyempre depende sa mga current nilang kasama o mga nakasama na nila before. i know jealousy is one, lack of honesty and trust is another, and of course who could ever forget non-attentiveness of the other's concerns? or downplaying other's concerns as if theirs is more important than yours. like i had this ex whom i wanted to make damay sa akin regarding a family problem, concerning my mom pa no less, and all she did was dismiss me needlessly and said that more destitute and poorer people in the philippines have bigger problems than me because these people don't have their own houses and their lands are being snatched away from under their noses blah. which got me thinking, na hey, wala rin naman akong sariling bahay a (at that time) so what the fuck? but hey, you know what happened to that relationship. i was really glad i got out of that zombie mode.

so if i find myself treading on familiar grounds again, perhaps it's time to just up and leave, right? maybe. well, let's see how much of a deal breaker this is, because it is sounding to be like one...

sad.

that's why i never believe in soulmates. my friend teta once asked us that before, what we think of that concept. i said i believed no one person has one soulmate, for i believe people have chunks of one soul embedded in them, and it's just about finding the biggest chunk of the same soul in a person. kaya it's possible they could relate to more than one person because more than one came from the same soul, or they share the same soul fragments. something like that. kaya wala yung concept na "she's the one" blah for me. if you find someone sharing the same chunk of soul with you, no matter how big or small the chunk is, it's up to you two to work things out if you belong to each other for a long time or a short time only. then you move on. kaya dapat open tayo lagi sa moving on phase and we shouldn't be stuck with the "waaah it didn't work" stage, whether moving on means finding another person or enhancing your own persona -- but i prefer the latter, actually.

pessimist as it may sound but there will always be more people who will break the deal for you rather than make the deal. that's why we shouldn't be so closeminded about meeting new people or being with other people. dapat bukas tayo sa ganung posibilidad. saka dapat lagi ang bottomline dito e improvement of one's self, kasi yan naman talaga ang tunay na bottomline, kahit ano pa man ang deal na ma-break ninuman.

new supply

pareho kami ng topak ng kapatid ko minsan kaya eto pinapadalhan niya ko ng mga chenes mula istets:


ayuz! yung old supply color purple. kadiri kasi ang una kong natikman e vomit. tapos pepper. asar.










hm meron din kayang chocolate frogs?





yuck yung bagong flavor, pickle!









la lang.

movie fare galore

dami nang napapanood lately so it's time to chichirya again. latest movie fare na muna.



THE INVASION
c. nicole kidman, daniel craig

based on the '50s sci-fi novel Invasion of The Body Snatchers, i watched this one because the trailer seemed promising and the storyline also had that old movie appeal, but with a modern touch. maybe that's because the concept of this body snatchers thing interests me a lot, ever since i saw the original b/w INVASION OF THE BODY SNATCHERS in my film genres elective class eons ago. i particularly liked that discussion about how hollywood used sci-fi genre flicks, usually B movies, to scare the hell out of stupid americans with communism as the big ghost. and that is the underlying project of this body snatchers film, that everyone loses their free will to think and be and they become a robotic homogenized entity that follows one program from above. that's how americans saw communism as brainwashing. epektibo naman; natakot ang mga 'merkano at ayan, cold war. the rest was history.

dami nang remakes and all ng konseptong ito sa pelikula, pero yung peas in a pod type ng original ang okay pa rin sa akin. kaya interesante sa akin itong bago kasi i want to see how they rework it, much like how most of stan lee's superhero devices get reworked with modern technology (ie imbis na aksidente lang na naapektuhan si ordinary dude ng extraordinary thing kaya naging superhero, may scientific basis na yung ngayon). so this one involved the simplest and easiest to prove: dna alteration, spread via viral infection parang common cold. galeng noh. simple lang pero plausible, somewhat, sa day and age nating ito. it works for me.

hindi mabagal ang film pero hindi rin mabilis. tamang tama lang actually, saka nakakaintriga. well-acted naman except yung ending part ng doctor played by jeffrey wright ba yun, yung nasa angels in america na theater guy. madrama masyado akting niya nung iniinterbyu siya ng press. but i'm happy with nicole din. kahit ano naman yata gawin niya, keri lang. di lang maalis sa isip ko na bakit pag may ganitong brainwashing the madla film e siya ang bida, parang yung another sci-fi novel into film nth remake na rin ng STEPFORD WIVES a few years back. but hey, whatever works...

gusto ko rin yung tagline ng movie: "do not trust anyone. do not show emotion. do not fall asleep." man, sounds like my motto in life! feeling nicole kidman akesh hehehe.



NANCY DREW
c. emma roberts

in grade school, my main tambayan was the library because one thing that our catholic coed school had going for it was the extensive diversity of reading materials in that library. and the geek in me was enticed. from the grade 1-3 small ladybug series stories with pictures to the complete collections of what will be known as young adult literature, that library really rocked. so from grade 4-5, i when i finished the whole Bobbsey Twins series (the purple ones), i skipped the blue-colored section of The Hardy Boys (because adventures led by boys didn't appeal to me early on -- hmmm, my earlier dyke was already coming out na pala! haha) and went on to the yellow-colored section of the Nancy Drew series (because i preferred stories with headstrong girls who rocked -- my early feminist persona surfacing!). and yes, like the geek i was/am, i finished them all by the time i graduated from elementary school. meron pa kong nancy drew activity book noon na may mystery solving clues chenelyn. nahilig din kasi ako sa mga detective mystery chenes na yan when i was in grade school-pahaiskul pa lang. i even had a detective kit complete with fingerprint chenes, as in pre-csi talaga. and i knew what forensics meant na in freshman high school. also got hooked on those choose your own adventure type books in high school to complete that mystery adventure track of my teens. o di ba la talagang ukilkilin ang past ko hane? hehe.

flashforward to now. i don't know if the makers of this movie actually read the books but i don't know why the whole nancy drew set-up was dumbed down for this new generation, unless ganito na ang newer series characterization ni nancy na binebenta ngayon, unlike the original mysteries (at least the first 30 novels or so before). as in, super dumb ever na siya! ganun na ba ka-dumb ang generation talaga ngayon that they had to do this? kasi kahit young adult fare ito, generally 12-19 years old ang bracket, e dapat matino pa rin ang paglalahad ng kwento at ng nilalaman nito. okay, yun meron ito, but hollywoodized version nga lang. interesting yung story na may old hollywood star na namatay na may mystery pala sa bahay niya ek. okay yun puwede na, kahit parang hindi multi-layered ang mystery unlike sa books na talagang mapapaisip ka. ayaw na yata nilang paisipin ang younger generation na ito a. hmp, kaya nasasanay at natatamad e...

pero what i can't accept is the characterizations of the leads, lalo na si nancy. hello para siyang sinapian ni lindsay lohan at hillary duff pero naka-period costume. what gives? labo. hindi naman ganyan ka-perky perky si nancy. smart at witty siya pero hindi ganyan! hindi siya kumakain ng perkyperky cereal sa umaga! not to mention the distracting sound score na peppered by "soundtrackable songs" na obviously plucked from top 20 radio playlists and anthologized into the ost for more! it's just irritatingly distracting. ipod fare scoring sucks (as in, the songs will end up as ipod playlists of the young peeps).

and well, i don't know why they didn't just stick with the original gang at si ned lang ang nariyan dahil sa syempre, heterosexist ang earth kaya kelangan may male love angle ang girl. chaka. walang silbi si ned dito kundi i-drive yung blue roadster ni nancy! kakatawa. pero likes na likes ko ang caru na ito ha! i want one!!! na-miss ko rin yung sina george and bess and all, da orig barkada in sleuthing. george being a girl, ha, kung di niyo nabasa yung novels. feeling ko tibam yun e hahahah ipinipilit lang i-love team dun sa isang boylet. pero ang characterization niya talaga e sinasabing tomboyish siya. konting taon na lang e mag-a-out na yun dapat e hehehehehe. ayuz. i heart george. relate ako sa kanya ever.

my co-fellows and i were talking about this nga sa barlaya workshop the last day. siyempre bilang young adult literature writers, labs namin nancy drew. kaya dismayado kami lahat sa resulta ng pelikula. hay...

hm, talaga lang ha. di talaga nag-appeal ang hardy boys sa akin, kahit may tv series siya noon dito na sikat. hm.

oh well.

truly it ain't

two levels of one thing hit me tonight.

i was researching on lesbian erotica literature and i stumbled upon quite a few. there's this one story i read which had this part:

As we lay spent in each other's arms, my mind wandered to cosmic places, and a thought occurred to me, which I felt oddly compelled to communicate.

"Joie?," I whispered.

"Yes, baby?"

"You know how sometimes you meet someone, and it just feels like you've known them forever?," I asked sweetly.

Joie hesitated before answering with a tentative "yes?"

"Well," I said, "that ain't us."

Joie started laughing. I laughed, too.

"Yeah, baby, but we fuck like we've known each other forever," Joie defended.

We were both quiet.

not the greatest piece of literature around but still, it was honest. but the ending was hopeful:

"Well, that's a start," I said, grinning in the darkness. "It'll give us something to do, while we get to know each other." Joie snuggled against me. The stereo was playing Ann Peebles "I Can't Stand the Rain". We drifted off to sleep.

but i didn't feel any hope, really. well, that's just me. or maybe the literariness of the piece didn't satisfy me at all. maybe.

but one thing hit me. i just realized that yeah, it is true for us. that ain't us. that ain't us. with what's happening all around us lately, i could see the comparisons and the compartments and all other common things. and there's nothing much to offer, really, than what's obvious. truly, indeed, that ain't us. definitely not.

and seeing the former with me earlier with someone else, it also hit me, that ain't us, too. and it could never, ever be. because it is something else that works for her, but not for me. and it could never, ever work for me. never. but that is alright, because my desires lie somewhere else, not her universe indeed.

how strange is this world.

plug before the plunge

in less than ten hours, the 6th barlaya writing for young adult workshop will be commencing, and that's where you'll find me (the next two days). but here i am, still up and running here. i kinda need some help sleeping lately so that's what i'm doing now.

but i'm actually looking forward to tomorrow. it's just a bummer that it takes place in makati, and going there during rush hour is not the greatest of manila experiences, believe me, even in this time of the mrt, lrt and fx colorums. hay. gudlak sa paggising ng break of dawn, no? hay...sometimes this insomnia gets in the way of life. oh well.

*

some feedback. you're right kee, sanctum earned a lot because of both the ogling and the blitzkrieg ways hehehe. although if i only had the courage then that i do now, man i woulda asked her talaga to just...one night lang devah hehe. pero takot akong jombagin ni blitzkrieg heheehehehehe. although saw her two years ago at mukha na siyang tuyot, without the blitzkrieg in tow. hm i wonder...

hay talagang those were the days...

hey rench, what you doing there in davao na? kwento ka naman.

thanks for the comment ES. yes matagal na kong blogger. nag-u-upcat pa lang kayo, blogger na kami hehehe. good luck with your work. see you around if ever.

o tabel ang tumblebugs ay break lang sa writing ha. ayuz.

*

some note to self thingy delivered by the stars today:

Taurus (Apr 20 - May 20)

Although you are usually sure of yourself once you make up your mind, today it may feel as if you continue to give yourself opposing commands. Unfortunately, it's difficult to reduce the current issues to black and white. Fortunately, there's no need to do this. Listen carefully to all voices without trying to silence any of them.

tama. ang galing ano. kainizzz. i'm listening! i'm listening! and yeah, i really need to remember the gray areas. but sometimes one really needs to be on either side, without being blurred in the middle by both.

*

o sha, see you later folks.

on giving up, giving in and giving out

i think i'm reacting to an upsurge of conservatism and traditionalism these days. maybe that's why i'm haywiring. i don't really understand when, in this day and age of pomo thinking (or postmodern, as what my friend roselle said), dapat nga post-pomo and meta-whatever na dapat ang approach natin sa ating mga buhay at sining kaya lang di ko mawari kung bakit tila pabaligtad yata ang orbit ng earth around the sun.

but no. until the old geezers and their younger minions die, there is no hope for the uplifting and challenging of norms in this country. i honestly wonder where all the progressives have gone. i can't seem to detect them with any available radar on board.

it gets me thinking again. thinking of leaving. i really wonder why there is such a backlash/backslide in conservative mode of approaching art and artists when in fact, the very essence of art and artists is not nailed on conservatism. that is such a strange thing to realize. but what's worse is to see how the supposed messengers of post-pomo thinking are harking back to the old ways when even the dark ages seemed peachy. now that is one scary motherfucking realization all right. hay...

man. only a voyage dans le lune or a journey down the 2000 leagues under the sea would cure/solve/remedy all this. hay... but are we ready to plunge? we will channel georges melies and jules verne for this one. plus maybe with a little help from icarus might be nice.

dig in. take off.

*

shut down and shut off. these are the two modes i have been ruminating on doing lately. i wonder why is that so?

*

i am genuinely saddened by the fact that there are still no legal rights to claim your loved one's rightful earnings as yours, in the event of sickness or death. everything reverts back to the family, who may or may not have cared for the lovers in the fist place. and people around them are somewhat reinforcing that. i am just so saddened.

my default is to identify and sympathize with the one who was left. but again, even if they didn't mean to, people have their homophobias surface when in fact it is so easy for them to just join the fight and fight for their friends' rights. but they do not do that.

sad...

however, in the end, sometimes economics rule far better than romance, or even love. and economics do not have emotions, just denominations. pera o bayong?

pera syempre, sabi nila.

yun na.

*

hermit crab mode

october 1997. i was in beautiful bantayan island about 2 hours away from cebu's city center, holed in a resort with literary luminaries and hopeful young and not so young writers. kinda beatnik poet ed geronia picked up a hermit crab and made a name plate for him, and put him on the table with all our things and nameplates. yes, hermit crab became part of the UP writers workshop.

i am flashbacking to this moment now because it was the first time i saw a hermit crab. and when i saw what it could do, i was amazed. whenever and wherever it wanted, it could retract inside its own little world and hide from its strong shell if it doesn't want anybody to bother it. and not even the roar of the seas could make its head appear and such. at that time, i admired the hermit crab.

and now, i want to be a hermit crab. for real.

where do i find a fairy godmother with a wand, now?

pish tosh.

*

earlier, i kissed (more like beso besoed) a worker who pretends to be an artist who pretends to care for real. my friend, who was with me and who was also kissed, shared a few laughs with me when we assessed the whole scenario.some people never learn, and some people never learn to tell the difference.

indeed.

the bottomline is still the same: opportunists suck. reek. stench to near-death levels it makes kamineros wanna puke.

blah.

*

there is still one bottomline here. we are faced with a hamlet mode. to be or not to be. but then, there is no outrageous fortune to partake of. no slings, not even arrows... but maybe ghosts that haunt the castle at certain times of sanity when aloneness seems to creep within the edifice of the building and of the body, when the creeping produces burning within the mind and numbing of the heart, but mostly, stilling of the heart that could either bleed or beat.

hala na-possess na ko ni shakespeare. magiging bakla na rin ako? chos.

petrarchan sonnet ka jan.

*

2 down, 4 more to go, plus an older sibling and a friend, and the mother.

life will not stink anymore when this happens. i hope this happens soon. soon enough!