housing project-ions

nasusuka na yata ako from too much exposure sa screens dito sa bahay. like nakabukas ang laptop ko at online forever while the tv is also turned on to watch news and, if i'm not news-hopping, i catch my favorite shows on cable like CSI vegas during their regular run or the repeat after midnight. lately, i've been longing to just lounge around and curl up with a book, but that never happens. why is that?

hm.

it's quite hard for me to disconnect from these outside resources when i am alone at home. i don't know why. maybe the silent whirrrrr of these machines pacify something inside of me, make my inner ear stable or something. i'm also trying to go back to dvd-watching here at home pero i can't seem to start it. hay ewan ko ba, ang de-media-fied mode ko ay alive and kicking pa rin. dunno why though. naiinggit tuloy ako sa friend kong si teta kanina, kasi excited siyang umuwi at manood ng bago niyang dvd na nabili -- of maya deren's experimental works pa! naaliw kami lang kanina kasi she didn't quite realize the treasure she found tapos kami ni beng e nanlaki ang mata sabay duet ng "pakopya!" hehe ayuz.

something about this house is making me...numb, again. hay naku. kay aga aga e... ewan ko ba. sometimes houses feel that way. sensitive ako sa mga tirahan this way kasi e, ever since i started living away from my parents. so far, da best pa rin sa akin yung super small jologz room ko sa house for rent ng aking very first girl ex in the 90s. ironically, that house is located on the other side of this same street i'm living in now. that room kasi was my first move to be independent, for real. dati kasi, i moved out na rin pero something happens with my college roomies kaya nagfu-fall out at nagdi-disband kami, so to speak, at babalik sa bahay namin. pero that small room was my first semblance of independence where i really had to earn some money to pay bills for real. i didn't mind that i shared the house with 2 other friends kasi parang solo ko pa rin iyon because, being production people, we rarely see each other because of our skeds. and i had the more regular sked back then because i just quit my own production-heavy job and chose to reroute myself from filmmaking into literary writing, and i started my MA back then.

coming from the big house in kamuning prior to this one, i realized then na hindi ako pang-big house talaga, especially since i am just living alone. or if i have somebody with me, temporary living quarters set-up lang naman ang arrangement, and i eventually end up alone pa rin sa bahay. i guess i also got allergic to this single detached own house-and-lot thingies set-up because of another ex. she was so keen on settling down already when i wasn't in that mode yet. i didn't want to be tied down that way back then, and i think even up to now. that's why if i'm going to have a new girlfriend, i'd rather we live in separate houses pa rin. i also have this thing about privacy and alone time for myself, especially for writing, kaya i would value it highly if she would value my alone time. patok yun pag nagkataon.

was having this discussion with a new friend last week. bakit daw gusto kong mag-condo e mas mataas daw ang market value chenes chenes ng isang single detached house ek plus puwede pang makuha cheaper sa bank chenes chenes yun. half of what she said kinda flew above my head, because i wasn't really into understanding all these house financing chenes chenes things (yeah i am stubborn that way hehehe, or i am just arithmetically challenged that way, as in automatic shut-off kapag extreme calculations na ang pinag-uusapan hehe).

have you ever seen movies set in new york where the characters make tambay sa may window ng apartment nila 5+floors above, tapos may fire escape chenes sa labas minsan? parang gusto ko yung ganung set-up. i like windows and i like views and i like buildings and i like heights overlooking stuff. that's why the idea of living in a condo sounds attractive to me now. another friend was asking din bakit condo, and we both have the same reasons because she's also contemplating on getting one: naiiwan mo during long trips pero secured pa rin siya, at mas madaling i-maintain kapag mag-isa ka. never mind the pets. i think i also don't want to have pets muna kasi napapagod na akong mag-alaga minsan, kahit alam kong mami-miss ko ang may pet sa bahay. but we'll think of that later on.

unless i'm rich and i could build a 3-storey house na may rooftop somewhere sa isang elevated part ng metro manila, patok iyon. pero dahil nga sa we are twins with the aesthetics of poverty mode, walang chance of that ever happening.

when i told that to another friend before, she said i'd love living in paris where she is from, because it's like that there -- buildings, night lights, everything. but i just didn't have the heart to tell her that her kababayans are just so obnoxious beyond belief sometimes that i couldn't imagine myself studying/working there, much less living there. wah. may plano pa naman akong mag-hibernate doon ng one month to write lang, as in really write, in an outdoor cafe somewhere in paris. ah, the ezra pound spirit in me, sabi nga dati ni mam edith tiempo sa akin in dumaguete... hm. kasama ba si ezra na nag-paris tulad nina dorothy parker, anais nin, henry miller, ernest hemingway and all those other great writers? hm. marahil, ano?

in fairness to pascale, she's swiss nga pala, french-speaking, kaya hindi siya obnoxious like the others hehehe. hm, nalalapit na naman kasi ang french spring in manille kaya...nagkakaganito ako? hehehe. chos.

ayoko namang isipin na may sting mode itong nararamdaman ko sa bahay, tulad ng kinanta niyang "the bed's too big without you" chenelyn. hindi naman. sure, i feel lonely and alone sometimes pero hindi madalas para maisip ko yun. siguro mas gusto ko lang ng mas contained na lugar para mas ma-contain ko ang mga nasasaisip ko. kasi that goes hand in hand talaga. hm. saka with all the things i have, i feel i need to go back to my minimalist mode and junk half of what i have here. methinks i'll do that later this year...

pero nakaka-disappoint din namang tumingin ng condo minsan. the exorbitant prices and crazy payment schemes...hay nakuh. sometimes the location is not so good din. like i remember before being seduced by this cambridge blah ba yun na sabi sa leaflet e "10 minutes from megamall, 20 minutes from quezon city" and all that advertising crap. e hello nung pinuntahan namin, cainta area na yata siya na oo nga at 10 minutes away ang main road na una mong dadaanan papunta dun mula sa megamall, pero di nila sinabi na 30 minutes away pa yun lugar from that road. kakainis yung ganun. parang yung may nagbigay ng leaflet sa cubao sa akin about this condo sa malapit sa sta. lucia sa marcos highway, sabi niya "10 minutes from cubao lang mam" e sabi ko sa kanya "hello kung jet ang sasakyan mo. taga-marikina ako no, alam ko kung gaano kalayo ang sta. lu sa gateway, at hindi 10 minutes yan!" sabay talikod.

kainiz. it affirms the choice of not choosing a life i almost had na tinalikuran ko -- advertising. nakakaasar lang e. faker.

minsan naman maganda nga ang presyo ng condo, werid naman nung lugar. like this one na tinignan ko ang showroom. it's near gma7 siya, as in katapat lang sa kanto. pero ang kalahati niya ay nakaharap sa edsa, kaya iyon ang langhap mong hangin sa umaga -- edsa air. saklap.

adventure din ang maghanap ng titirahan for good. suwerte lang ng iba kong friends na nakahanap na ng ganitong set-up. good for them.

kanina may pinamigay na announcements sa faculty tapos isa doon e application for housing chenes sa UP. good luck na lang di ba. ten thousand years bago ito mabigay sa yo. o kaya papagawa sila ng bagong residence hall for grad students/junior faculty, tapos ang catch e tatlo kayo sa isang kwarto. potah, ano yun, bedspace? chaka. you really think junior faculty and grad students would share that way? sus. sino ba nakaisip nun, kelangan niya ng reboot. at ng boot.


hay housing. basic need siya pero marami sa pinas ang walang sariling ganito. saantalang ang iba e nakakatira sa tatlong palapag na bahay o whatnot tapos dedma lang sa mga tao sa ibang lugar. well. kanya-kanyang chever, sabi nga ng students ko.

could you be the most beautiful girl in the world...

and that distinction goes to miss japan this year. arigato gozaimas ever, i'm sure. hai!

yep, you guessed it. miss universe time. altho advanced pala ang panonood ko kasi sa star world ko napapanood now, at ang pinas e nasa ch2.two gaps behind sila.

and yet again, ang rep natin ay hindi kasama sa pinakamagandang babae sa universe, pero siya ang pinakamagandang litratuhan sa buong universe! again, ano'ng logic nun? second year in a row na ito...or maybe madami lang pinoy online na bumoto. yah, yun na yun.

and yet again, tahimik sa mga kalye ng pinas dahil ang mga bading ay nanonood ng miss u pageant sa tv.

asian invasion ngayon ha. si miss korea at japan, pasok sa top 5. tapos the usual latinam babes, argentina ba to? venezuela pala. saka brazil. and i like miss usa kasi multi-ethnic siya, which is the true face of america today na di natin nakikita sa media nila. ayun. whitewash takes a new meaning... pero iyon ang ikinakakaba ko sa panonood ng mga pageant na to. nadulas siya e. pero hindi nawala ang grace sa fez niya. andun pa rin. kaya winner siya. pero nakakakaba pa rin. for me.

although weird lang. kung nakakatisod kayo ng porn sites online, parang kamukha ng mga porn women yung mga finalists na to... wala lang. parang afraid...hm. parang kung di sila manalo, sa porn industry sila papasok or something. or baka ang porn industry an nag-se-step up ng standards kaya ang daming pretty lookers na nagpo-porn na. hm... maganda ring pag-aralan yan. o ha, yan ang i-content analysis nila. beauty in porn. huway nat. kung keri ng powers nila heheheh. you know who we mean.

>:P

kakapanood ng ganito, na-realize ko lang na takot yata ako sa mga sobrang gandang babae, yung talagang miss universe level. hindi ko alam kung bakit. i mean, winner kung may makachorva akong ganito kaganda di ba, pero parang...ayoko rin. i'd rather be with pretty, talented and smart women with intriguing x-factors and sex appeal kesa sa super beautiful na ganitong pang-miss u pero...hehe bad ko, iba naiisip ko. feeling ko boring sila kausap, at super-vain lang sila. lam mo yun? some beautiful women tend to be like that. or some women who think they're that beautiful have this attitude and behavior. kaya turn off.

basta.

minsan ganyan sa mga exclusives e. kaya shattered ang myth na pang-het lang ang ganyang attitude. of course not. daming lesbiyanang ganyan na they think they're god's gift to women pero...dude, daming defects or kakulangan. pero kung mamayagpag...

wag tama na nga. yokong magkasala ngayong umaga heheheheheh.

*too late!*

hehe.

waaah kelangan ko na ng kape. kape!

*

pero isang importanteng babae sa buhay ko ang may kaarawan ngayon.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY MOMMY!

luv my mom. date kami later.

connection

how often do we need to connect to others to feel we're alive?

*

just watched the pilot ep of HEROES on the c/s channel. there's this congressman-wannabe whose rich biyuda mom got arrested because of shoplifting socks. nakakatawa kung tutuusin pero when asked why she did it, sabi niya " to feel alive again."

there was no connection there, at least the direct one, pero same goal siya. to feel alive.

baligtarin natin. when do you feel dead?

can you answer that, honestly?

ako, i'm not sure.

*

the reason why i love the movie STAND BY ME, aside from having a great storyline and great actors, is that i love this line uttered by river phoenix's character.

"i wish i could live in a place where nobody knows me."

made a poem with that line. stashed here somewhere. i don't feel so confident about my english poetry so i don't show it to anyone. emily dickinson mode. chos.

i'm at this point in my life right now where i feel i need to restart, reboot the system, totally. if needed, i'd get a new operating system.

sometimes, i just want to draw a line around me, make it a ring of fire, so no one could approach me, and all things they hurl at me would get burned, and the burn would backdraft towards them. balik sa inyo. kumbaga. those childhood play words, kung totoo man..

*

a friend suggested na baka hindi reboot ang kelangan. baka realignment lang. kumbaga sa kotse, ayusin lang ang paling ng gulong, alamin kung bakit laging pumapaling sa ibang direksyon. baka nga wala sa alignment ang gulong. mahirap talaga yun.

baka nga.

lately it seems i'm running on empty. parang laging natutuyuan ng gas. ewan ko ba. i don't know what triggers that. gusto ko lang ikuwento dito. baka may maka-relate at may suggestion, makikinig ako.

*

pero start of the sem na naman halos. reboot galore na rin ito. yun lang ang gusto ko sa teaching. every sem is a reboot of sorts, kahit minor. kahit di total defrag. puwede na.

*

don't get me wrong. i still feel alive. just...clouded, i guess. by lots of things. my mind just needs to unclutter. dami kasing iniisip lagi e...

and no, i'm certain: i don't feel dead. just...overwhelmed. and exhausted.

*

but yes, i need to connect. to people. or at least, persons. i don't need a crowd when one person would do.

and most times, one is enough.

*

one thing i haven't been doing since this new millennium/decade started is meditate. i think i need to get back to that. that worked well before. i should continue that, no? yeah.

only the venue is not apt for that.

hay naku, ayan na naman tayo...

basta. i swear this should be the last. up or out na ito. out of the country, that is. talagang last na, kasi napapagod na ko sa kakaganito.

basta.

i'm talking to myself, don't mind me.

*

i just realized i miss dancing. dancing in a safe space with kindred spirits.

the problem is, my dancing partners are no longer my kindred spirits. part of that cleansing thing. better off than... whatever.

*

sabi rin sa HEROES kanina, "love is overrated."

not so original, but still so true. so we forgive the writers for being cliche.

*

to connect with those who connected here...

indi thanks for that comment. life truly is weird mare. pero hope you're happy where you are, weird man ang paligid or not.

ponpkpn, will really call your graphics talent someday for some project like that. sige ha.

ki thanks for your insights. ayoko na kay reema chanco hahahaha. what a fleeting crush. parang haiskul. hehe. cattyshack it is! just let me get that damn visa and visit ako jan in the near future. ayoko nang maging lesbiyana sa manila. masyadong maintriga. kahit sa hindi jowa, pinipilit kang i-partner up. chismosas... labo.

glenn intriga ko sa nobela. basahin ko nga yan.

*

such is the burden of being out. may kausapin ka lang, may tignan ka lang na babae, may batiin ka lang, sasabihin nilang type mo sila. may kasama ka lang lagi, jowa mo na. labo.

ang utak talaga ng tao ano, by default malicious.

i wonder why is that so. hypothalamus problem? hmm. realignment lang yan mga ati.

*

natatawa ako sa mga paimportante.

*

ayoko na kay angelina jolie. i divorce you i divorce you i divorce you. hiwalay na tayo. hehehe. chos.

she's just so het now. wala na ang kanyang bisexual mystique. blah.

same with michelle rodriguez. blah. lost na siya ever. basta.

*

bakit ba puro bisexual ang na-a-attract ko? weird lang. am i some kind of bisexual magnet? hm.

ewan.

but this one, i really want an answer from the universe. di ko kasi maintindihan e.

wala lang...

*

a friend read my palm earlier. mataas daw ang libido ko. tama ba? hm...

buti naman. at least with that, i know i'm alive!

ayuz.

*

sa mga may sakit diyan, get well soon.
sa mga aalis, bon voyage.
sa mga dadating, welcome back.
sa mga nandyan lang...salamat.

the dreaded L word

no, it ain't life, it ain't love, and it ain't lust, too. and no, it's not even lesbian. or libido.

i think the most dreaded L word anyone of any sexual persuasion is afraid of is...loneliness.

people have different ways of coping with loneliness. people have different reasons why they feel lonely. people create different activities to avoid loneliness. people make up a hundred excuses to ignore loneliness.

loneliness is a part of life.

such is life, i guess. another dreaded L word, perhaps. life. and to have them in tandem -- the loneliness of life, living with loneliness -- is a scary thing for most people.

i don't understand it when people give heavyhanded comments about people and their loneliness, and their way of coping with it, or escaping it. people are as diverse as ice cream brands and flavors, and it's to each his/her own on how one would survive outside the freezer. melt or evaporate. transform or avoid. it depends.

why these thoughts? wala lang. i just don't get it when people have judgements about someone who copes with loneliness in a different way than they would. [hm shet tama pa ba inggles ko? hirap mag-blog ng bangenge hehe]

why can't they leave these people alone?

ewan ko. sabi nila, kasi they care. pero do they, really? i don't understand this. if they really understand others, di dapat hindi agad sila nagbibitaw ng mga salitang makakasakit sa mga tao. bakit di na lang nila tanungin muna kung bakit naganap ang isang kaganapan sa isang tao bago nila ito husgahan. nalulungkot naman ako sa ganitong paraan. sobrang lungkot.

huwag lang sanang umabot sa isa pang dreaded L word: luhaan.

sana sa lahat ng thoughts and conflicts connected with these things, wala na lang sanang uuwing luhaan. at sana kung luluha man sila, sana maintindihan muna nila ang mga kadahilanan ng bagay-bagay bago sila maghusga ng mga tao.

kasi ang tao, iba iba. tulad nga ng ice cream.

sana huwag tayong matunaw lahat.

eulogy for lost things + remembering franz

today is a sad day at my house, because i have officially lost something...

my coffeemaker.

it's officially dead.

whenever i make coffee lately, i notice something dripping below the counter at basa ang sahig. when i tried an experiment, my suspicion was right all along -- may tama na yung coffeemaker at tumutulo na siya. kaya goodbye ever na sa morning brewed ritual for now. sa sama ng loob, napapasok tuloy ako ng maaga sa opis at dito na ko magkakape. at magba-blog.

so here we are.

kung kilala mo ako at alam mo ang halaga ng ritwal na kape, lalo na ng brewed kape sa umaga ko o bago magsimula ang araw at trabaho, alam mong malaking kawalan ito. salamat sa pakikipagsimpatiya. naaalala ko noong mga unang panahon ng kalayaan naming magkakaibigan bilang independent university grads living in their own spaces away from their families, ang simpleng katotohanang nabanggit ng isa kong kasambahay noon ay "hay, eto ang perfect breakfast -- yosi at kape." bow. how simple, real and honest. hay, those were the days.

sayang lang at walang malapit na matinong kapihan dito sa unibersidad para madaanan man lamang bago pumunta dito, makapag-take out ng malaking lalagyan ng coffee mocha or something. hm. kaya nakakahinayang talaga ang kawalang ito.

sabagay, marami na ring napagsilbihang moments ang coffeemaker na yun. mga intimate twosomes in the morning, mga loud crowds in the afternoon and evening, mga moments of solitary solicitudes, solipsisms and so on and so forth. so okay na rin na retired na siya sa ngayon. tulad ng ibang bagay sa buhay, i can move on.

*

speaking of moving on, i was stuck in a rut for days now because my instrument is not working well. was trying to tinker with it with this cheap screwdriver i bought somewhere, sm yata as usual, but it couldn't handle the super tight screws. but when i tried using my handy thick swiss knife, it worked! so we're back in business and about to move on. screw driver lang pala.

it's funny because as i was disassembling my thing last night, thoughts of how that swiss knife came to me suddenly 'flashbacked' in my mind. that has some kind of weird and funny but somehow touching story behind it. i don't know if i was able to tell it here before but in any case, here goes.

the knife was given to me by the late national artist franz arcellana. i met him making tambay at the creative writing center, now known as the institute of creative writing, sa CAL, when i started my MA in the late '90s. so we always hung out with fellow writers kasi tambay din ako ng lugar na iyon dati, even worked there as some sort of graduate assistant of sorts, especially sa workshops.

sir franz then started giving me small stuff, ewan ko kung out of charity or dahil naghahanap siya ng isa pang anak, apo or something. i don't know what's with me and lolo figures. loves nila ako. he knew i was a photographer dahil photodoc at videdoc ang job ko sa national workshops, at may unused photographer's jacket daw siya kaya ibinigay sa akin. so salamat. tapos alam niyang scriptwriter ako so binigay niya sa akin yung libro ni ricky lee na bigay ni ricky lee sa kanya. hm... pinilit ko pa nga siyang lagyan ng dedication kasi yung dedication na nandun, gawa ni ricky para sa kanya. para hindi akalain ng madla na ninakaw ko sa kanya yun, napilit ko rin naman siyang maglagay ng kaunting salita na para sa akin, kahit parang labag sa loob niyang mag-autograph. sabi pa niya, in that original 1950s american accent straight from the thomasites "i don't know what to say!" sa totoo lang, natutuwa ako kapag nag-iinggles siya. kasi nga para akong nanonood ng mga americana-type old films na wala pang bahid ng street slang or twang ang diction. hanep lang sa uniqueness. wala yang mga call center accents na yan, pa-epek lang yan sa kanya. tatawanan lang niya yan ngayon.

binigyan din niya ko ng ilang libro at iba pang magazines, mga ganun,a t kung anu-ano pang anik-anik. di ko rin alam kung mukha akong dugyut writer noon na dino-donasyunan niya ng mga bagay-bagay, pero sige lang, tanggap lang ng tanggap. minsan din, dahil sa freelance writer ako sa mga magazines, ako naman ang nagbibigay sa kanya ng mga magazines para mabasa niya ang mga napa-publish kong short stories at articles. at binabasa naman niya. so happy lang, dahil gawain naman naming mga writer ito.

hanggang sa isang araw, dineklara niya sa cwc na siya na daw ang magiging thesis adviser ko. hala, e wala pa nga ako sa kalahati ng pag-aaral nun, may adviser na! pressure. i said okay...pero gusto kong sabihin na "lolo, ang gagawin ko e lesbian stories na may erotica, kekerihin mo ba yun?" pero wit, dedma na. sabagay, naisip ko, kung sa postmodernity lang ng pagsusulat ng fiction (putcha e basahin niyo kaya yung "Yellow Shawl" short niya!) e swak na ko sa kanya, kaya siguro dedma na sa adbokasiya side ng writing at stick to the literary na lang when i deal with it later. so binigyan niya ko ng kopya niya ng bound thesis na fiction ng isa niyang dating advisee, pag-aralan ko daw, for starters. so pinag-aralan ko nga naman. so in short, inangkin na niya talaga ko bilang "student" kasi officially, hindi ko siya naabutan bilang guro doon e. sayang nga. hindi na kasi siya nagtuturo ng mga panahong iyon.

i was flattered and happy with the attention this lolo was giving me then, but then medyo na-creepy-han din ako ng konti kasi parang lagi niya kong gustong kasama. di ko alam kung bakit. until one day, when my friends and i were walking towards the CAL parking lot after the successful thesis defense of my fictionist acquaintance, franz faced me squarely, and he put his hands down squarely on my shoulders, and smiled, and said, in effect "i don't know what it is i feel, but i feel this closeness with you" or something like that. jeezus, di ko alam gagawin ko. so nginitian ko lang siya, and then he had that honest serene smile in his face, but his eyes smiled sadly, too. i felt sad that i felt his sadness, but i truly appreciated, well, somewhat, his attempt of connecting with my soul.

when i told my writer friend, sabi niya baka reincarnation ako ng kanyang lost love, ng immortal beloved niya or whatnot. of course, being writers, tinaggap namin at in-entertain ang notion na ito as valid. pero weird pa rin kahit papaano. wala namang pedopilya mode pero weird lang. simple, plain weird.

but after that episode, i never showed up there again nor made tambay at the places na alam kong nariyan lang siya sa tabi-tabi. i don't know why din. just gut instinct, i think...

i never knew what became of him after that, but it saddened me to read in the news one day that he was confined in a hospital, hiding his sickness from his family and all, and eventually died. that was 2002. i tried to bring myself to go to his wake, but like with NVM's, i never made it past the gate of the chapel. never made it inside. there was an honest sense of loss that i didn't understand, felt it inside, so i turned back and headed home, and mourned silently and prayed for his soul's honest rest.

after that, whenever i pass by the cwc, people there would tell me "huy hinahanap ka ni mrs. arcellana." i thought, sheesh, baket? i can't remember kung may sasabihin daw o may ibibigay, o baka gusto lang niya ako makilala sa di malinaw na kadahilanan, pero that meeting never happened anyway. wala lang. and that story ended like that. hanging. but i didn't mind.

strange to have that story attached to a certain thing. that's why sometimes i don't agree with calling some things "non-living things" like in biology. minsan kasi, may energies na nara-rub off sa isang bagay, sa loob ng bahay lalo na, o kung anuman. kaya nga minsan, ang isang bagay na may kadikit na mga memorya o emosyon tulad nito ay niriritwalan ng ilang tao, para mangyari ang gusto nilang mangyari sa emosyon o memorya na kadikit nito. may kilala akong writer noon na kada new year daw, umaakyat siya sa baguio mag-isa at sinusunog niya ang mga notebook journals niya bilang simbolo o ritwal ng pagtatapos ng taon at ng emosyon na kaakibat ng taong nagdaan, at para magsimula ng bagong taon sa bagong pahina, so to speak.

kanya-kanya lang tayo ng coping, dealing at selective retention of memories, i guess. ganito ang sa akin. at sa ilang panahon noon, may mga ganitong nangyari sa iba kong kakilala na nakaapekto rin sa akin.

until now, i still don't know what the purpose of that whole episode with franz is, kung may silbi siya somewhat o wala, may aral na matututunan o anecdote lang siya na ikukuwento ko sa mga tao tuwing susubukan nilang arborin yung swiss knife ko. pero kung anu pa man, nagpapasalamat din ako sa cosmos na once in this lifetime, i met that super talented man who was willing to take me as a student, just like that. maybe later on i will stumble upon the purpose, but for now, i am happy to stick with the memories, and i will certainly never let go of that swiss knife.

2007 homophobia hall of shame

got this in my mail today. thought i'd share this here. bida kasi tayo, e, lalo na yung isang government official nating super...super. basta. read.

• Bienvenido Abante, Member of the Philippine House of Representatives and Chair of the House Committee on Civil, Political and Human Rights: for trying to force his sexual orientation on others. Representative Abante has urged that homosexuals be “cured” and turned into heterosexuals. He has repeatedly blocked a landmark bill that would ban discrimination based on sexual orientation and gender identity in the Philippines. He has also suggested that lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender people are excluded from the “definition” of human rights.

and he is a walking proof that politics in the philippines are really... hay nakuh, anything i say is an understatement to describe its enormous stupidity. ewan. kaya nawawalan ako ng gana sa pagboto dahil mga mokong like him ang nananalo, but at the same time ganado akong bumoto to prevent mokongs like him from winning. unless mandaya. hay nakuh. look at what happened to danton. grrrr.

for an extensive look at abante's paatras na stupid shenanigans in congress, read the accounts on the lagablab blog.

syempre hindi na surprise ang numero uno. aba, e mag-elect ba naman kasi sila ng third reich-ish pontifical chuva... gudlak sa world.

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For Immediate Release

‘Hall of Shame’ Exposes Dangers of High-Level Homophobia

International Day Against Homophobia Highlights Persistence of Prejudice

(New York, May 16, 2007) – Pope Benedict XVI, US President George W. Bush and Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad have undermined human rights by actively promoting prejudice against lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender people, Human Rights Watch said today in its annual “hall of shame” to mark the International Day Against Homophobia.

On May 17, lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender groups in more than 50 countries will commemorate the International Day Against Homophobia, an initiative launched in 2005 that commemorates the day in 1990 when the World Health Organization removed homosexuality from its roster of disorders.

At the same time, Human Rights Watch also pointed to four areas where advances in human rights for lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender people have given reason for hope.

“This ‘hall of shame’ does not claim to include the worst offenders, but it highlights leaders who have lent their authority to denying basic human rights,” said Scott Long, director of the Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual and Transgender Rights Program at Human Rights Watch. “Bush and Pope Benedict both speak of human dignity, but their homophobic words and actions undermine families and endanger health.”

Leaders named to the “Hall of Shame” for their actions in the past year are:

• Pope Benedict XVI: for undermining families. The leader of the Holy See has gone well beyond expressing the Church’s theological views on homosexuality. The Pope has intervened in politics in many other countries to condemn and threaten figures who support equal rights or any form of recognition for lesbian and gay families. After Spain legalized same-sex marriage in 2005, Pope Benedict’s Pontifical Council on the Family commanded Spanish officials to refuse to marry same-sex couples or even to process the paperwork if they tried to adopt a child.

• US President George W. Bush: for jeopardizing public health. The President’s Emergency Plan for AIDS Relief (PEPFAR) requires that one-third of HIV-prevention spending go to so-called “abstinence-until-marriage” programs. These programs threaten the health of LGBT people by sending a message that there is no safe way for them to have sex, and by denying them life-saving information. In some countries, such as Uganda, grants from the $15 billion PEPFAR program have funded groups that actively promote homophobia; in others, they have drastically reduced condom provision.

• Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad: for creating public and private scandals. President Ahmadinejad has overseen a widening campaign to “counter public immorality,” arbitrarily arresting thousands of Iranians for dressing or behaving differently. In recent weeks, for example, thousands of women have been detained for not conforming to “correct” Islamic dress. In Iran’s surveillance society, Ahmadinejad also uses religious vigilantes to raid homes and other private places in search of “deviant” behavior – including homosexual conduct. The Iranian regime polices public behavior and violates the right to privacy on a massive scale.

• Roman Giertych, Polish Minister of Education and Deputy Prime Minister: for endangering children. Part of a right-wing government that has made homophobia a centerpiece of policy, Giertych’s education ministry has proposed a law to fine or imprison teachers, school officials, or student human rights defenders who even mention homosexuality. Vital facts about safer sex and protection against HIV/AIDS could be banned from schools under the new law.

• Bienvenido Abante, Member of the Philippine House of Representatives and Chair of the House Committee on Civil, Political and Human Rights: for trying to force his sexual orientation on others. Representative Abante has urged that homosexuals be “cured” and turned into heterosexuals. He has repeatedly blocked a landmark bill that would ban discrimination based on sexual orientation and gender identity in the Philippines. He has also suggested that lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender people are excluded from the “definition” of human rights.

“Homophobia endangers basic human rights, and we should all be concerned by it,” said Long. “Governments devalue families when they deny any family recognition. They endanger children when they silence any child.”

Human Rights Watch also pointed to large and small gains that give reason for hope:

• In Nepal, after years of abuse directed at lesbians, gays, and transgender people during a violent civil war, the authorities in February gave a meti (transgender person) in February an official citizenship ID with a gender listed as neither male nor female. This was first time that a government in South Asia has given transgender identity full state recognition.

• In Denmark, Parliament in June extended equal access to reproductive technologies to lesbians and single women. Denmark in 1989 became the first country in the world to create civil unions for same-sex partners, but such unions have still discriminated against same-sex couples in many areas, including reproduction. The Danish decision marked a recognition of women’s equal worth as parents, and a further step toward full equality.

• In Mexico, Mexico City and the northeastern state of Coahuila passed civil-union laws opening recognition to same-sex couples. Unions solemnized in Coahuila must be recognized as valid across Mexico. These moves come after the 2003 passage of a sweeping federal antidiscrimination law offering protection against unequal treatment based on sexual orientation.

• Internationally, the Yogyakarta Principles on the Application of International Law in Relation to Issues of Sexual Orientation and Gender Identity were launched during the March session of the United Nations Human Rights Council. Adopted in November at a meeting of international legal experts in the Indonesian city of Yogyakarta, these groundbreaking principles spell out the international legal standards under which governments and other actors should end violence, abuse and discrimination against lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender people, and ensure full equality.

The 2007 Hall of Shame

For undermining families: Pope Benedict XVI. The Vatican, which holds special observer status in the United Nations, has not been shy in using its political weight to oppose extending basic human rights to same-sex couples. Pope Benedict XVI has actively intervened in politics to quash recognition for lesbian and gay families, and to threaten people who support it. The result has been to stigmatize lesbian and gay couples and make their families more vulnerable.

In January, the Pope told Italian politicians that any plans to recognize unions other than traditional marriage would "appear dangerous and counterproductive.'' When the Italian government proposed civil unions for same-sex couples, Catholic bishops warned lawmakers that they had “the moral duty to clearly and publicly voice their disagreement and vote against any proposed law that would recognize homosexual couples.” In Italy and other countries, church officials have suggested that supporters of gay rights as well as reproductive rights could be excommunicated.

When Spain passed a law guaranteeing civil marriage to all in 2005, a high Vatican official warned Spaniards to defy the measure. Cardinal Alfonso Lopez Trujillo of Colombia, head of the Pontifical Council on the Family, said officials should refuse to marry same-sex couples or even process the paperwork if they tried to adopt a child. “A law as deeply inequitable as this one is not an obligation,” he said.

Church officials have supported legal discrimination and rejected lesbian and gay families in other ways. This year Catholic bishops in the UK pushed hard, but unsuccessfully, for exemption of Catholic agencies from antidiscrimination legislation. In 2006, Catholic Charities in Massachusetts announced that it would cease adoption services altogether rather than obey an antidiscrimination law requiring equal treatment for same-sex couples in placing children who need homes.

For jeopardizing health: George W. Bush, President of the United States. In 2003, the US Congress authorized President George W. Bush’s Emergency Plan for AIDS Relief (PEPFAR), a five-year, US$15 billion program to provide funding for HIV/AIDS, tuberculosis and malaria to 15 countries. Under a provision supported by the Bush administration, however, at least one-third of PEPFAR prevention funds must be spent on programs promoting abstinence until marriage.

These programs discriminate against lesbians and gays and put their health at risk. Since lesbians and gays cannot marry in most countries, including all 15 PEPFAR countries, abstinence programs convey a message that there is no safe way for them to have sex, and deny them information that could save their lives. Funds devoted to abstinence-only education are funds taken away from prevention programs that could address the health and sexualities of lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender people. .

Moreover, abstinence-only programs convey a message about the intrinsic wrongfulness of homosexual conduct that reinforces social stigma and prejudice, to potentially devastating effect. In Uganda, for instance, PEPFAR-funded safer-sex education materials were revised to state that premarital sex and homosexuality “violate religious or cultural moral standards” and are “immoral.” PEPFAR funds have been given to groups that explicitly promote homophobia in Uganda.

PEPFAR’s authorizing legislation also requires that nongovernmental organizations adopt agency-wide policies pledging their opposition to sex work as a condition of receiving US funds for international anti-AIDS work. These restrictions have had a devastating effect on anti-AIDS work among sex workers. Organizations doing lifesaving anti-AIDS work have lost US funding due to these restrictions, or have curtailed effective programs out of fear that they would be seen as “promoting prostitution.” This requirement jeopardizes groups’ ability to combat HIV/AIDS in high-risk communities, such as transgender sex workers. The provision clashes with internationally-recognized best practices on public health and human rights standards.

For endangering children: Roman Giertych, Minister of Education and Deputy Prime Minister of Poland. The leader of Poland’s far-right party, the League of Polish Families (Liga Polskich Rodzin), Giertych said, “There is no room, nor will there ever be any room, for homosexual activism within the school system in Poland on my watch.” In March, his ministry announced it would propose a law to “punish anyone who promotes homosexuality or any other deviance of a sexual nature in education establishments.” Teachers, school principals, visiting educators and student human rights defenders who even mention homosexuality could face dismissal, fines and imprisonment. The ministry also announced that “teachers who reveal their homosexuality will be fired.” These proposals would also prohibit health educators advocating safer sex for lesbians and gays from entering the schools. Previously, the deputy minister of education had called safer-sex materials “negative propaganda.”

In 2005, under Giertych’s control, the ministry had vigorously condemned an international project training youth in issues of gender stereotypes and gender-based discrimination. A ministry official accused the project of “depraving young people.”

Giertych’s policies deprive Polish students of the chance to learn not just about human sexuality, but about tolerance, diversity, and equality. They deny them potentially life-saving information about HIV/AIDS and other sexually transmitted diseases. And they promote an atmosphere of prejudice in schools which could lead to violence.

They are part of a consistent policy of homophobia promoted by President Lech Kaczynski. Last June, for instance, the State Prosecutor’s office ordered local prosecutors to launch investigations into the conduct of “homosexuals” on unsupported and defamatory allegations of “pedophilia.” In 2005 and 2006, authorities in Warsaw and other cities tried to ban marches in support of LGBT rights. Last year a member of Parliament, Wojciech Wierzejski of the League of Polish Families, called for “deviants” to be “bashed with a baton.”

For trying to force his sexual orientation on others: Representative Bienvenido Abante, Chair, House Committee on Civil, Political and Human Rights, Philippines. Claiming that homosexuals can be “cured” and turned into heterosexuals, Representative Abante has repeatedly blocked legislative consideration of a landmark bill that would ban discrimination based on sexual orientation and gender identity in the Philippines.

Philippine LGBT activists, including the Lesbian and Gay Legislative Advocacy Network (LAGABLAB), have campaigned for the passage of antidiscrimination legislation for more than seven years.

Despite several religious organizations’ support for the bill, Representative Abante has cited both the Qur’an and the Bible in alleging that the legislation promotes a “culture of death.” In a speech in November, he called homosexuality “not normal” and urged “helping gays to learn to function heterosexually.” He claimed he had seen “hundreds of lesbians and gays” who had “changed their lifestyles.” He suggested that LGBT people are excluded from the “definition” of human rights, saying that “It is often the definition that decides whether someone has a human right or not; whether that someone has the right to protection, to a fair trial, to life.”

US-based religious groups working in the Philippines have campaigned heavily against the bill, promoting the idea that homosexuality is a “curable” behavior and a “perverse deathstyle.”

For creating public and private scandals: President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad of Iran. In a spreading campaign to “counter immoral behavior” in Iran, ordinary people who simply look or act differently are at risk. Since early May, thousands of women have been detained for not conforming to “correct” Islamic dress. In April, Iran’s Supreme Court overturned murder sentences against six religious police for killing people they considered “morally corrupt.” The sentence contributes to a growing climate of impunity for vigilante forces.

The Ahmadinejad government regularly violates the right to privacy. Its religious vigilantes carry out brutal raids on homes and other private places in search of “deviant” behavior—including homosexual conduct.

Islamic law and Qur’anic tradition set an extremely high standard of evidence for sexual offenses; proof of homosexual conduct requires a confession repeated four times, or four eyewitnesses to the act. Under these strict terms, convictions would be hard to achieve. However, Iran’s regime allows conviction based on circumstantial evidence, or “the knowledge of the judge.” Suspicion can thus become proof, further eroding any safeguards for privacy.

Under Iran’s criminal code, lavat (sexual intercourse between men) is “punishable by death,” while tafkhiz (non-penetrative “foreplay” between men) is punishable by 100 lashes for each partner, and by death on the fourth conviction. The punishment for sexual intercourse between women is 100 lashes, and death after the fourth offense.

The last person known with reasonable certainty to have been sentenced to execution in Iran for consensual homosexual conduct was in March 2005. There is no information as to whether the sentence has been carried out or not.

For background on leaders named to the “Hall of Shame” for their actions in the past year, please visit: http://hrw.org/english/docs/2007/05/16/global15955.htm

For more of Human Rights Watch’s reporting on LGBT human rights, please visit:
http://www.hrw.org/doc/?t=lgbt

For further information, please contact:

In New York, Scott Long (English): +1-212-216-1297; or +1-646-641-5655 (mobile)

In New York, Jessica Stern (English, Spanish): +1-212-216-1867; or +1-646-549-0130 (mobile)

umiikot na chenelyn sa chuva na itich huwaynat

sa dami ng nadaanan ko, nakausap, nakapalitan ng kuro-kuro at nanais na makapalitan pa ng karagdagang kuro-kuro ngayong araw, di ko na alam kung ano ang uunahin kong banggitin sa inyo dito.

i guess that's the curse of people who think too much, comme moi. haynakuh. again, gusto ko regaluhan niyo ko sa pasko ng "turn off brain momentarily" device para naman makapagpahinga ako at ma-enjoy lang ang buhay as it flows. di ba? hay...

i am eating piattos as i type this, any lo and behold, my cat likes to eat piattos din. hm. sabagay, kahit anong kainin ko, type niya kainin...

whoa waitaminit. siguro naman hindi. panu kung ang gusto kong kainin ay....*tutut!* hehehe.

bastuuus.

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i hate it. the freaking heat is back. ilang araw na tayong presko sa wakas after that april heat tapos aaarrrgggh babalik lang pala ngayon. hay nakuh. climate change na nga ba ini!!! super. ang henet sa bahay na toh, it's even hot to have sex mwahahahahaha. yah ganon kainit. kainizzzz.

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speaking of sex, ang tagal ko na ring tagtuyot kaya siguro sumisipa na naman ang libog mode ko. hello tignan nga sa baba ang pukimonologue ko. kung di ba produkto yan ng libog, ewan ko nah.

hmm pero reremedyuhan natin yang tagtuyot na yan hehehehhe. soon! abangan.

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i opted to go back to the dating circle again,just to feel that i'm alive and still kicking, and i am amazed at what is available out there. it's just surprising to find openly out people like me out there, hanging out with openly out people like them, too. see, for the longest time, i've been tied to women who are closeted in one form or another, be it their family, workplace, or whatnot. but as a good friend once told me, kasi i am attracted to women that are hard to have. hence closeted nga. hmmmm, revelation!

pero ngayon, parang gusto ko na ng babaeng hindi takot ilantad ang kanyang sekswalidad sa labas ng lipunan. isang babae na hindi natatakot sa sasabihin ng iba, at walang ganong mawawala sa kanya sa pagpapakita ng sarili niya sa madla. not to get me wrong ha. this is not dissing closeted people. i respect them with utmost pride, kasi i know how hard it is to keep this facet of their life hidden. sana nga, kung puwede lang, i-open na lang ang lahat. pero iba nga kasi ang kalakaran ng society, kaya hindi puwede. ganun talaga ang buhay e...

may kaibigan akong ilan nang date ang ganun, di takot maglantad. naninibago nga siya, kasi halos lagpas sampung taon siyang tali sa tagong relasyon. ang hirap ano. samantalang ako, limang taong tali at tago dati. ayoko na yatang maging tali at tago...

hay.

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kung may natutunan man akong aral sa kaganapan ng buhay ng aking bespren n si carol, ito ay ang palasak nang aral na LIFE'S TOO SHORT! as in, life's too short to have regrets, life's too short to wonder on what you want to do, life's too short to just watch it pass you by without being in it. yun. ganun kaikli ang buhay. di mo alam what will happen next, kaya dapat live life to the fullest. sabi nga ng aking bading fictional idol na si brian kinney, no regrets, no apologies dapat. tangina fuck your brains out mwahahahah.

pero that's the gay guy speaking. iba pa rin ang babaeng nagmamahal ng kapwa babae e. lalo na sa bansang ito. hay nakuh...

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commercial. congrats sa friend kong si omeng at natanggap siya sa iligan workshop! yehey! kasama niya si det. ayus. maghasik kayo diyan ng chorva, mga byaning at bading! go ever!'

puta bat ba kasi nalimutan kong ihulog ang entry ko e. e di sana tatlo tayo diyang manghahada esteeeeee magwo-workshop teeheheheehe. e kasi i focused on my energies sa iyas e, laos naman. i guess saint la salle is not too keen on lesbian stories, hane? hm, e ang habol ko lang naman sa bacolod e makakain ulit sa pla-pla, sa manukan country, at mag-horde ng katakut-takot na quan's butterscotch brownies. i guess they were on to me! heheheehhe. chos.

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man i so wish i am in new york right now, where i could just walk a couple of blocks and be inside a bona fide lesbian bar, have a drink, flirt around, and maybe just exercise my goddess-given right to be a lesbian. waaah kia ampunin mo na koh! tanginah when my sister gets her citizenship, lalarga ko sa castro hehehhehehehehhehe. chos.

update on carol + thoughts of the thinking

thanks to all those who responded to the emergency situation of our friend carol. we're happy to report that she is okay and safe now, away from the trouble spot. let's keep on praying for her protection. she appreciates it very much.

was with her brother earlier, my writer friend omeng, when he relayed the news. hay buti naman. i'm glad.

some thoughts produced during this whole scenario made me rethink of some life goals, views on art, the media, and human behavior in general.

you really learn something new everyday, and produce an original insight alongside of it.

yet again, ambivalent reactions on the media, and some old and lingering conclusions have been proven right time and time again.

same with elections in the philippines. sometimes i ask myself: why even bother? but i know deep down that i should bother. hence the ugly-blotched index finger nail.

i have been apathetic for the past 2 elections simply because i think the political system in the country is a running farce of epic proportions. i have been voting a long time but i dont know what happens to the people i vote for. at least i a glad that in marikina where i am registered, my vote counts for something, and the people i vote for actually do something for the city.

as for the national elections? blah. parang showbiz ang politics -- KA-CHEAP-AN. sa totoo lang.

the local scenario is what got carol into trouble. same material of fraud and other bad things by bad people, documented by good and caring citizens. have you seen the videos and photos being sent by people all over the country about a kind of election fraud or other. national ito ha. as in. creatively photoshopped fake comelec memos, disappearing indelible ink, vote buying, the works. creative ngayong year ang mga pinoy, in fairness.

syempre the red-baiting, red-tagging and all that are still on. my friend teta's name disappeared from the voter's list just because. hay naku. hay naku talaga.

dumating at natapos ang eleksyon, ang pinaghirapan kong pilahang voter's id last year ay ni di ko man lang nasilayan. nunca. ganda.

browsing through the ballot, sarap gumawa ng "asa ka pa" list of election hopefuls. para mag-vent lang ng asar ba. comme ca:

ASA KA PA..richard gomez! hindi showbiz career move ang politics. try ka pa sa MAD dati eh hello. mamamayan ayaw sa droga pala ha. baka mamamayan ayaw sa dumdum. bow. magbasa ka muna ng mga libro.

ASA KA PA...manny pacquiao! nagkakamal ka na ng medalya at pera sa boxing. ano ang alam mong gawin sa pulitika? sabagay jaworski...and...dami pa... laro na lang kayo. sparring. saya pa. may pustahan.

ASA KA PA...cesar montano! no matter how smart you present yourself in debates, the thing is, kung walang script, wala ka rin. gawa ka na lang pelikula. mas okay yun e. hollywood actor ka na di ba mwahahaha.

ASA KA PA...tessie aquino oreta! binoto siya ng nanay ko at sabi ko bahkettttt? sabi niya, kasi marami daw bills chuva na in-author/na-pass chuva siya para sa kababaihan. ang alam ko,wala siya sa anti-vawc. pero regardless, the dancing queen image sticks. like glue.

ASA KA PA...victor wood! ... (self-explanatory)

ASA KA PA...prospero pichay! kung sinuman ang gumawa ng media campaign mo, tsugiin mo na. the gulay angle doesn't work in any way, man. itanim si pichay sa senado. nubaaaaaaaaaaah! hindi siya witty! ever! kainis.

ano na nga ba yung sinabi ko about politics?

hay naku. why do we bother!

but this time nga, like i said before, my vote is the pink vote. and i wanted that to matter. hay... i hope it works.

wish us all luck. this country badly needs it.

tumatakas sa stress ng araw na ito

ito ang kinaka-stress naming lahat ngayon: balita tungkol sa kaibigan naming si carol.

Pinikpikan singer claims mayor threatened her

May 14, 2007
Frank Cimatu

BANGUED, Abra -- The lead vocalist of the band Pinikpikan accused the former mayor of Daguioman town of threatening her after she took video footage of alleged cheating.

Carol Bello, who is a poll watcher of Daguioman mayoral candidate Lyndon Basingan, claimed former mayor Manuel Co Kue, husband of incumbent Mayor Sally Co Kue, told her she would not be leave Daguioman alive after videotaping alleged ballot tampering.

"Ako raw ay di makakalabas sa Daguioman nang buhay dahil may photo at video ako ng kalokohan ng mayor and her family [I was told I would not be able to leave Daguioman alive because I have photographs and video footage of irregularities committed by the mayor and her family]," Bello told the Philippine Daily Inquirer, parent company of INQUIRER.net.

read the rest of frank cimatu's pdi report here.

eto pa ang detalye sa abs-cbn website. thanks melissa for acting on that so swiftly.

kanina pa nagte-text-an kaming magkakaibigan para matulungan siya. but what else can we do??? punyeta talaga.

kanina pa tumatawag si cynthia a. din sa akin, telling me this is like teta's all over again last year. i agreed. she's now in conspiracy with budeths, carol's co-pinikpikan bandmate, worried to death -- as we all are.

now, we're all stressed. as in.


*

tangina mukha akong gago. napa-blogthang tuloy ako. wala ko magawa tangina.

hirap ng ganito. hay naku...


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Your Seduction Style: Ideal Lover

You seduce people by tapping into their dreams and desires. And because of this sensitivity, you can be the ideal lover for anyone you seek. You are a shapeshifter - bringing romance, adventure, spirituality to relationships. It all depends on who your with, and what their vision of a perfect relationship is.

What Is Your Seduction Style?

Your Kissing Technique Is: Perfect

Your kissing technique is amazing - and you know it. You have the confidence to make the first move. And you always seem to know what kissing style is going to work best. Sometimes you're passionate, sometimes you're a tease. And you're always amazing!

Are You a Good Kisser?

You Are a Coy Flirt

You may not seem like you're flirting, but you know exactly what you're doing. You draw people in, very calculatingly, without them even knowing. Subtle and understated, you know how to best leverage your sex appeal. A sexy enigma, you easily become an object of obsession.

What Kind of Flirt Are You?

freshie froofroo flashback

this morning the college had its general freshman orientation program. as usual, the auditorium was filled with the freshies while the lobby was filled with their parents, guardians and what have you. this is my second year of seeing this thing.i find it great and weird at the same time.

back in the day, when i was a freshie, it wasn't like this. information wasn't spread around as fast as today, that's why you had to be extra mindful of every post, flyer or announcement your home college/department would release. word of mouth is more reliable then. now, it's not. heck, even orgmates don't communicate well with each other, much less their outer world. wala e. kakaiba na yata ang mga bata talaga ngayon. or kakaiba na ang maging bata sa panahon ngayon. masyado silang maraming resources at their disposal, marami ring tao na magbibigay ng resources sa kanila, kaya things like looking at the nittygritty of things they take for granted. how sad. is this the generation that will inherit the earth. hm. just a thought.

i think they are super spoiled. oo nga't meron diyang kasama ang mga nanay at tatay ang kahenerasyon ko pero hindi ganitong kasa-kasama kahit saan. nakakaloka lang. dati, pinagtatawanan ka sa peyups kung may bitbit kang paryentes, kaya nga pinsan ko ang binitbit ko, kasi naman mas maalam siya sa peyups dahil third year na siya nun. sensible di ba?

pero pareho pa rin ang nakikita ko sa mukha nila. katulad din ng nakita ko noon sa amin. takot, saya, kaba, excitement na pinaghalu-halo. pride na nakapasa ka, lalo na't nakapasa ka sa quota course sa first choice mong course at college. astig na pala ito pero clueless ako noon when the reg assistants were gushing about it during enrollment. well.

merong iba ngayon, nag-aastig-astigan. kinekeri kahit obvious na kabado. mas appreciate ko pa yung matanong e, talagang honest sila sa approach nila. those are the ones i tend to keep an eye on, kasi may potential.

iba na rin ang impression pala sa cmc ngayon. maingay. well, dati pa naman. pero dati, mas nangingibabaw ang isang bagay. when asked what she thought of cmc people, my fine arts friend said "hmp. kala mo mga foreigner mga tao dun ingles ng ingles." sadly, wala nang ganyan ngayon sa cmc. ibang lengguwahe na ang mga bata. gudlak kung makakita ka ng nagsasalita ng hindi nagku-code switching for 30 seconds.

pero ang gusto ko ngayon, helpful ang mga tao sa paggabay sa freshies. dati kasi patigasan talaga e. paiiyakin ka pa. pinakamalaki nilang warning: huwag tatanungin kung nasaan ang "room TBA" para di ka mapagtripan. true enuf... parang di na ito true ngayon.

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so what was it like when i was a freshie? it was the tail end of summer and the decade just turned. the world was tuning off new wave and about to turn on to grunge. i was happily enjoying the real fresh air of the acad oval back then, months before a major earthquake hit, ruining the summer capital, and a year before mount pinatubo showered the metro with grey ash. it was snowing ash.

but that's a flash forward.

i was a mighty introverted shy skinny girl back then, a far cry from my outward persona now. as in, super far far out. nagbotohan nga yung high school friends ko to see sino sa amin ang pinaka-nagbago the most. so aside from my sexuality of course, ako ang awardee nito dahil nga sa dati, pag tumatawa ako, wlang sound. i hated recitation kasi papagalitan ka ng madre pag mahina boses mo at di ka marinig sa harap. as in, mega-quiet talaga ko. kaya nga one of my profs sa fine arts before, si castaneda, i remember telling him "sir, magshi-shift na ko sa masscom" at sagot niya "ha? e masalita mga tao doon! kelangan magsalita ka!"

yan. that was my image sa fine arts for the first 2.5 years of my peyups life -- hindi nagsasalita. at pag nagsalita, especially pag nagmura, major event. ngayon, wala, laos, sampu sampera ang pagkaingay ko at ang pagmumura bwakanang...hehe.

i came from a high school that was just starting out to bloom in population, and we were only 49 students in the batch when we graduated. there was even a time that i was seriously considering giving up peyups to study in another diliman college because most of my friends were accepted there. yeah, i was the only one in the barkada who got in. that was kinda scary. to come from a tight-knit high school and then thrown in the mega-structure of UP...man.

the thing i liked about UP was the fact that you remained anonymous. save for a few familiar faces from high school (older batches) and some GE classmates. other than that, i can sit anywhere and read or chill out with my walkman and nobody would care. that's one thing i liked about UP -- nobody cared whether you sit anywhere, provided you don't get in the way of people. actually, dala ko yan hanggang ngayon.

noon, phenomenon na rin ang maraing koreano pakalat-kalat sa campus. i don;t know if they were enrolling as exchange students like now, pero grabe lang sa deluge din to dati. minsan a korean woulds trike up a conversation with you sa sunken garden, kahit nananahimik kaming nagsa-sound trip ng fine arts classmates ko at nagwa-watercolor ng landscape plate. i remember this naughty korean boy trying to chat up my classmate who didn;t know how to brush the dude off, so i helped. nagpapakilala siya, so sabi ko "her name is suzanne." "suzanne?" sabi niya. "yeah, suzanne, suzanne vega." tawa kami lahat. syempre lost siya. sensya sya, album ni suzanne nakapasak sa tenga namin those days. pero uso na rin ang "teach korean english" rakets noon. pero ewan ko ba, i never really got to like them, until now. sorry but there are nationalities and countries na di talaga ko interesado. ewan ko kung bakit.

at saka ewan ko kung meron pa nito ngayon (parang wala na) pero may parang church group org dati na sa may grandstand ang congregation, tapos they really run after you and ask you to join their bible study. isyu dati ito na parang kulto na ang dating e. sadly, one of my high school batchmates joined this, at puta ang kulit lang niya, stalker mode. to the point na iintayin niya ko sa classroom ko after class para i-recruit sa bible study. e punyeta mahilig akong dumaan sa may sunken kasi ang booksale outlet lang sa vicinity noon ay sa vinzon's lang. kaya lagi akong biktima ng mga recruitment na yan. pero wit! magwawagi ba sila sa isang true blue agnostic! laos. dude, true blue catholic school girl rebel ini, no amount of religious blah would convert me, unless i seek it.

hm ano pa ba ang eksenang freshie ko? ay, isa pa pala, muntik na kong atakihin sa puso sa 2nd floor ng AS kasi may ale na nakaitim na duguan na naglalakad na nakatapak na naka-bestidang luray-luray... isang hapong tag-ulan pa naman. yun pala punyeta UP Repertory promo ng isang play. punyeta.

speaking of AS corridors, i hated it whenever richard gomez would pass by, sometimes with john estrada in tow. there was literally a swarm of students following them, naglalakad. as in, talagang sinusundan siya ng crowd literally. naisip ko nun "hangtatangah din pala ng tagapeyupz."

and back then, i wasn't really enamored sa kanya. kahit mas gwapingsters siya noon kesa ngayon. hm. goes to show ang tagal ko na palang lesbiyana, di ko pa alam. nuninuninu...

pero at least hindi ako nagpapa-edit ng production ko sa mga tao sa network dibahhhh...hehehe. among other stories.

ang gusto kong ka-batch si harlene bautista. kasi tahimik lang din siya. at nang makainuman ko minsan, ma-angst na artist na tao pala. keri. hm, sabagay lahat naman yata sila sa teatro noon ganun. at least nag-mellow down na sila.

*

first time kong pasukin ang cine adarna, then known as film center, ay dahil required kaming panoorin ang PRIVATE SHOW ni chito rono. fell in love with jaclyn jose's talent, and first time to watch a movie like that, with pure unadulterated skin and movements. hayep. wala na ang virgin eyes...

first time ko ring makakita ng nakalundoy na mga patotoy sa stage play ni anton juan. funny how later on he'll be a friend and he'll narrate stories about how construction worker patotoys just seem to keep coming his way...aaaah too much information! but that's anton for you.

*

first time nag-lantern parade? dun ko na-feel na fine arts nga ako. we made some thingies na required plates at required iparada sa lantern parade. nakakatuwa kasi participant ka, pero nakakapagod din. and incidentally, first time ko ring ma-harass ng fratmen, who shouted bastos comments at us girls sa parade. at may tagay silang mga bote ng red horse. puwede pa kasi ang alak sa campus nun e. scared ako dun chong.

*

ang dami talagang firsts sa freshman life sa UP. yung iba traumatic, yung iba useful, yung iba nakakatawa, yung iba nakakaasar. sana lang alam pa ng mga bata ngayon kung paano idi-distinguish ang one from the other.

ikaw, what's your UP freshie memory?

semi-drastic paradigm shift

i know i should go out more. yeah, i really should go out more. kaya lang, kinakabahan ako.

ganito pala ang feeling ano. i've been out of the loop for a really long time, and now i have decided to enter it again. kaya eto... nakakakaba. ang weird. kinakabahan ako. ako pa! parang di ko pinagdanan 'to dati 'no! labo. hay. heniwey...

sayang. trapped na ako sa writing workshop kaya hindi na makapag-sked ng baguio getaway. hm...

currently undergoing a paradigm shift in terms of personal stylistics, top to bottom. hope it works. i reconstruct myself every so often, and i think, after being here in the academe for two solid years, it's time for some changes, again. at siyempre uunahing pag-trip-an ay ang...buhok. huli akong nagpagupit noong time na nag-resign ako sa isis at pumasok sa akademya para magturo. ngayon, goodbye hair drama ko. kaya 'yun.

naiinggit ako sa aking co-faculty dito na mhin. si lolo roland e nagpa-mohawk ever at si kuya roehl ay nagpa-semi bald. how i wish i could do that, too...hm, bakit nga ba hindi? kasi hindi bagay sa ulo ko. kaya puwede na itong ginawa ng parloristang bading sakin. ayuz. happy na rin. layered is lovely.

at na-inspire ako sa bago kong media crush, si reema ba name nun? chanco something. magwu-workout mode na rin ako hehe. i want abs like that! she looks hot in that nesvita promo ad. kaya lang lola, hindi mo ba alam na tested positive for GMO yan? kaya i never touch the stuff. well, GMO beauty na lang labas niya hane. afraid. baka tubuan siya ng third boob or something hehe.

uy nagkaka-crush na ulit ako. that means i'm on my way to getting a life. hehe. choz. baka maagnas na rin kasi ko dito sa akademya, ayokong matulad sa ibang co-faculty na agnas na... >:)

hanap niyo nga ko ng date. with or without benefits, bet lang. go! nothing under 25, please. may standards tayo. bet?

de-media-fied + henry miller mode

borrowing books for somebody at the library earlier, i realized something: i rarely read books anymore, as in, really reading, with digestion, not just chewing, as sir francis bacon once wrote. i haven't been digesting, yes.

and then more realizations started pouring in: i haven't been watching a lot of films lately, haven't been listening to music lately, haven't browsed comics or magazines lately, and haven't been going out to commercial events lately, hetero or exclusive. i've turned into a sort of introverted hermit hiding in the small route/routine of quotidien life. why is that?

i've been de-media-fied. imagine that. i work at the college of mass communication but i have been de-media-fied. and not by choice, mind you. not by choice. perhaps by intuition? hmmm.

i should borrow books for me from now on. and also turn the player on. and scan glossies and graphics once in a while. and go to the moviehouse more. why this introverted retreat? keeps me wondering.

it was not self-imposed.

*

at least something good comes out of it sometimes. been writing a lot lately, and writing in different forms. and the good thing is, i am enjoying writing again, as in truly, honestly enjoying it. the discipline is back, the bug is biting down hard, and the muses are guarding me like hawks. like crazy bitch hawks.

thank you.

*

pero bakit puro kalibugan yata ang inilalabas ng utak ko nitong mga nakaraang araw, lalo na sa anyo ng malikhaing pagsulat? dinidibdib ko na yatang muli ang challenge dati pa na magsulat ng erotica, as in tunay na erotica, sa literatura. hmm.

*

nabasa ko kamakailan lang sa blog ni ian na may nagtanong kung meron nga bang sex sa philippine literature. gusto kong isigaw ang sagot: oo, meron, marami, pero hindi nila hinahayaang i-publish. marami nang nagsusulat nang ganito, at hindi konserbatibo, homo at hetero, pero nabibigyan ba ng chance? hindi. hindi ko rin alam kung bakit kaya huwag niyo na lang itanong sa akin kung bakit.

challenge din sa akin iyon dati, kung ipapagpatuloy ko ba ang pagsulat ng erotika. sabi ko, oo. habang may tumutulong mga ganitong kuwento mula sa utak ko, sige lang, sulat lang ng sulat. natuwa naman siya. dapat daw kasi, huwag kong ihihinto sa *and they shared a kiss, and in that room, they became one* tapos kinabukasan na. ituloy ko naman daw. o sige, itinuloy na nga.

pero kakaiba kasi ako kapag tinuloy ko, lalo na't nasasapian ako ng mga ispiritu ng likor. o nasisipa ng kabayo. at extra joss (salamat sa recipe kate).

sige sampol. 'wag ma-shock ha hehe. sinapian ako ni henry miller nang ginagawa ko to habang balot sa ulap ng cloves.

di pa tapos...pero parang. di ko alam kung tula siya o kuwento, pero parang pareho...at wala pang titulo. pero pakiramdam ko'y pang performance poetry nga ito, spoken word baga, kesa sa binabasa. sige, subukan mong basahin ng malakas. iba ang epek. pramis.

puwedeng mag-komento.

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Minsan iniisip ko kung bakit kailangang isaksak ang titi sa puki gayong may iba namang mas maliit na bagay, katamtaman lamang, na puwedeng ipasok doon nang di nasasaktan ang isang babae. Tulad halimbawa ng dila, o dili kaya’y daliri. Hindi ba mas masarap iyon?

“Yeah, women don’t get aroused by penetration naman talaga e” sabi ng kaibigan kong het. O e ganun naman pala e, bakit niyo ginagawa? Gusto ko sanang itanong sa kanya pero hindi ko na lang ginawa. Paano, baka ibalik sa akin, e. “E ginagawa mo naman din dati, a. bakit ka nag-iba? Bakit ka nagbago?”

Iba kasi kapag titi ang hinahanap mo pero matrimonyo naman ang humaharap sa 'yo. Trapped kasi tayo dito e. ang tingin pa kasi ng gubyerno, simbahan at lipunan sa puki ay daanan lang ng bata. Oo, bata, batang magpapatuloy sa lahi ng nangungurakot, batang magpapatuloy sa paggigiyera sa mga lupaing mapayapa, batang magpapatuloy sa lahi ng mga manggagawa at rapist. Bata. Ganun lang. bakit kaya bahay bata ang tawag sa bahay bata? E di dapat ang babae ay di na nila tinawag na babae kundi pagawaan ng bata na lang. Naglalakad na bahay bata. Iyan ang babae.

Pero ayokong maging ganoong babae. Hindi ako ganoong babae. Ibang klase ng babae ako. Babae akong alam ang gusto ng tunay na babae, at iyan ay ang mapaligaya sa pamamagitan ng paghagod sa kanyang pagkababae. ‘Yan, ganyang klase ng babae ako.

“You’re just saying that because you haven’t found the right man yet,” sabi naman ng isa ko pang kaibigang het. Gusto ko ring itanong sa kanya, “E ikaw, why did you settle for some man when you can have any other man other than him?” Pero hindi ko na lang siya sinagot ng ganon. Kundangan kasi, tatlong oras na naman siyang bubulahaw sa harap ko habang kinukuwento ang bawa’t kuwento ng pasa niya sa katawan. Haven’t found the right man... e ‘yung man niya kaya, haven’t found the right spot to punch kaya? Pero siyempre hindi ko matatanong iyon. Out of respect, sabi nga sa inggles. Pero hindi rin. Ang sa akin ay, out of boredom, kasi bored na bored na ko sa kakakuwento niya ng panggugulpi sa kanya ng boyfriend niya tuwing mag-aaway sila, at bored na bored na ako sa kakadala ko sa kanya sa east avenue para magpa-medico legal. Ni hindi pa nga sila kasal! Bakit ba nagpapasakal na siya dito? Hay hindi ko alam. Basta ako, simple lang ang gusto ko. Gusto ko nang umuwi, at gusto kong mag-uwi...ng puki.

Pero mahirap mag-uwi ng puki, lalo na’t narito ka sa bansang ito. Puro party ang alam gawin ng mga puki rito, at ‘pag nakakilala ka ng puki sa party, itatanong kung may puking opisyal na nagmamay-ari ng puki mo, bago ka nila hayaang salatin ang puki nila. Puki ng inang mga ‘to. Minsan halik lang ang gusto mo e, kung anu-ano pang ritwal at kabalbalan ang kelangan mong pagdaanan para lang masalat ang puki nila.

‘Naknampuki talaga oo.

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technoranti + spidermush

and i thought i could turn in early earlier, feeling a bit sleepy already by 1030ish pm (and that's still early in my nocturnal creature book) and i actually fell asleep na despite of the freaking heat, only to be awakened by text messages of little or no import past midnight. arrrrrrrr!

sometimes i really want to turn off technology, just for a while, to experience life as it is, here and now, to just get in touch with nature and with someone by natural means. but i think that's really hard to accomplish in this day and age, especially in techno-crazy manila, where most people carry a cellphone and a digital camera while the rest carry laptops and work on wifi mode and stuff like that. with all the static going in in our stratosphere, i'm not surprised if new diseases get invented every other day. i swear i can already feel a different kind of migraine whenever i go out to an area where people text and wifi to death. haaaay.

that's why living in a semi-cosmopolitan place seems like a good idea to me now, somewhere where there's still an active city-center/s and quite bucolic remote areas that offer fresh air to breathe and frequency-free atmosphere, not to mention an abundant supply of healthy semi-vegetarian food. wow. that would rejuvinate my skin and my health problems ano, not to mention finally exorcise my asthma out of me, even my sinusitis problem. the best yun if ever.

kaya nga migrating to baguio is not a farfetched idea for me. the cooler climate would really be great, only if i didn't stay in the tourist areas. grabe rin pollution rate doon ha; think of it as being trapped inside an airconditioned room where people smoke inside! yep, that's the effect. pero kung sa gilid-gilid doon e puwede na. masarap pang magsulat sa cooler climate. the best. tapos andaming gulay sa palengke, di ba? yum. hm...

yeah, not a bad idea after all...

*

finally succumbed to the lure of blockbuster film viewing earlier, of course with me mum, ang forever date ko sa movies like this. syempre, dahil may ridiculous monopolya ng isang pelikula ngayon, iyon lang ang napanood namin. SPIDERMUSH este SPIDERMAN pala.

third installment of the franchise. may fourth pa ba? sana after twenty years na lang. e bakit yung DIE HARD, o, may 4th movie na now, e yung una nito e alam ko late 80s yata or early 90s. pare ayos.

ewan ko ba why this third film doesn't totally fly for me. para kasing madrama masyado. too many people crying for all sentimental reasons you can think of: a love lost through jealousy and self-sacrifice, crying over the remembrance of a dead loved one, a parent trying to acquire money at all costs just to keep his child healthy, a mother frustrated about a husband's ways, a son discovering his unimportance to his father and his being blinded by revenge for honor, a frustrated artist losing the limelight, best friends turning enemies turning friends again, the death of a friend, the humbling of a fraud and his realization of it, revenge for the deeath of a loved one...sankapa!!! andito na lahat! kulang na lang may mag-out at bugbugin ng tatay para umiyak, and yun na!

cheap lang sana itong pelikula gawin e, kaya lang masyadong ambitious at maarte ang rendering ng special effects niya, kaya ganun. pero winner sa akin ang buhangin tao effect nung kalaban. ayuz. actually, yun lang naman ang spectacular--well, di p anga ganun ka-spectacular in that sense--pero hm...ewan...sayang ang pera.

and then of course, the very story of the good hero turning bad and liking it is, uh...lumang komik story na chong, complete with the costume color change. eto, umitim lang yung costume niya, na parang lumusot siya sa sewers or sa chimney siya dumaan. ayuz. sana naman medyo may konting imagination ang costume change, much like how the clean-cut gwapo look of christopher reeves' superman became a rough, darker shaded-costumed dude with a five o'clock shadow sa SUPERMAN 3.

ang saving grace lang yata sa akin ni spidermush ay yung sequence na nagsa-strut siya sa new york streets in his geek groove na talaga namang nakakatawa hahahaha na nakakainizzzzzz. parang konti na lang, kala ko mag-a-a la SATURDAY NIGHT FEVER ang lolo mo e. well actually, para nga siyang sinapian ni john travolta sa eksenang iyon. nung pumasok siya sa clothes store, kala ko naka-puti na rin siyang bellbottoms na disco70s mode hehehe. watch this film if only for this sequence.

what's with new york streets and non-walking? parang yung linya kay carrie sa SEX AND THE CITY na sabi "you don't walk, you sashay" or strut ba yung ginamit na word, kapag naglalakad daw siya sa kalye. flattered naman ang lola kasi nga kaka-recruit lang sa kanyang mag-runway walk sa fashion week. i like that episode, yung nadapa siya sa runway pero bet pa rin. ayuz.

at hindi ko alam kung bakit pero parang nakakairita si kirsten dunst sa pelikulang to. hm, lahat ata ng karakter nakakairita. kahit yung lola. aunt pala. masyadong madramaaaaaaa.

hay. well, on to the next blockbuster film na lang. patok! may SHREK 3. parang mas funny siya ever hehe. and SIMPSONS THE MOVIE! winner. pero ang pinaka-patok, TRANSFORMERS. pare, the cartoons of my youth itoh! bring it on! naaalala ko pa yung theme song nun "transformers/more than meets the eye/autobots raise their power to destroy the evil forces of/the deceptecons/"
sankapa!